Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

Once you find your major, it feels like home

My best friend Nikki once told me, "Once you know your genre, it feels like home." Knowing my vocal strengths and having a love affair with Early Jazz and Bossa Nova is similar to finding the right fit of college major for me. I'm not even exaggerating. In every single minute of my Cultural Anthropology classes, my mind is screaming, "Finally, this is everything I've ever wanted to do!"

Okay, backtrack to my post last year:

You might think it’s not important because people end up not using their degree on their jobs anyway, but I want to be able to choose a major which will glorify Him the most. What good is taking up a major that my family wants (eg. computer science, or accounting), or that I want (eg. theater or philosophy) if it doesn’t have something to do with God’s calling in my life? Though I am very sure He won’t let that happen, because things perfectly fall into place, for everything that happens is part of His plan.

I know I can honor God with whatever career I will choose, but the question now is, which will glorify Him most in my life? So the choice is not mine, but His, because He obviously knows what’s best.

**You can read the full post here.

For two years, I have prayed for God to reveal the major He wants me to take, and I got no response. I've started college and everything, and still no answer. Looking back, I feel like He's been working on it, though that's just from my point of view. So now I'm sharing how messy my life was without the direction or purpose that is really intended specifically for me. :) And yes, I don't believe in coincidences.

WARNING: This section contains senseless bragging. Please don't take it seriously. :D

Senior year of high school, I was filling out the UP college admission form. I put Diliman as my first choice of campus, with Theater and Broadcast Communication as my top 2 majors. Then I put Baguio (for some reason) as my second choice of campus, with Communication and Social Anthropology as my top 2 majors. Baguio is also home to the Cordillera Studies Center -- UP's research arm focusing on the indigenous cultures of the Cordillera mountains. I got accepted for their Communication program, and remained clueless about Social Anthropology. I only chose SocAn 'cause it sounded smart. Haha! I excelled in my major because I love writing, researching, and public speaking. (And because I am the cramming type of student who has a very hyped up short-term memory during long exams, or long-term if I go without reviewing, and can write a 5-page paper in under an hour. [insert evil laugh here])

Kidding aside, the time came for me to apply for transfer to the flagship campus, which is UP Diliman. I fell in-love with Philosophy while studying at Baguio because of that adrenaline rush I always get when I argue. I was taking my chances at Diliman and applying for whatever is available. I was also taking summer classes so I wasn't able to take the exam for Broadcast Communication and Film. When the day came for me to take the exam for Philosophy, I had to renew my passport so I was not able to come. All that was left for me was Anthropology, so I came in for the interview and got accepted. I remember the professor who interviewed me asking if I would choose Anthro over Philo, and what I wanted to do with Anthro, and if I'd be willing to spend years of my life doing fieldwork. I was scared of the thought back then. Years of my life for a freakin' research?! I just answered yes to his questions, but at the back of my head I was saying, "NO WAY." I'm not sure if he could tell I was lying. Hahaha!

I didn't go through with it because I got my student visa, and transferred here at the United States. The major on my I-20 was Accounting, which was then changed to Computer Science, and back again. I also had this crazy thought of majoring in Criminal Justice, fantasizing about working in the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit someday. :P A few months after struggling with the thought of myself working in an office doing a mainstream job, I wrote a letter to my parents expressing my real feelings about what major I want to take and the awareness of what kind of life I would have if I chose that major.

So last summer, I finally settled for Communication. Something still bothered me, though. I just didn't feel satisfied. Communication is already part of my life; I didn't have to major in it. But I knew for sure I was particularly interested in Intercultural Communication. I love travelling and studying about cultures. The real premise of studying here in the United States is not to get a better job when I graduate, but to be trained for world missions, because that's what I really wanted. I wasn't surprised when I was brought here to Los Angeles, the melting pot of different world cultures.

Fall semester came, and I was frustrated 'cause all I got was 12 units, almost all of which are night classes. I had to register for GEs I needed to transfer to USC, and so I stumbled upon a Cultural Anthropology class. Little did I know that my heart was going to be set upon something. I love every bit of that class, and the more I discover about other people's cultures and behaviors, the more I knew that it was definitely for me. Fieldwork doesn't seem like a waste of time anymore, but more like an investment on people's lives, building relationships with them, and seeing how amazingly unique and diverse God's creation is. And maybe after that, God would show me how He's reaching out to His people in the midst of culture.

I joined the Anthropology Society in my campus soon afterwards,  and it feels amazing to be surrounded by people who are also knowledgeable about different cultures, and has that same hunger to know more about people and their behaviors. There hasn't been any formal declaration of this major yet, but just knowing that another piece of the puzzle of that purpose set specifically for me is now falling into place gives me joy. It definitely feels like home. :)

God has perfect timing, never early and never late. The choice has been there all along, and He knew I never would have chosen it without knowing about it and really loving it. Those two years of waiting is worth it. All along, I knew that He is in control of every detail in my life. That being said, I held on to the thought that there's a specific direction He wants me to take when it comes to my major, no matter how insignificant it may seem. There's a joy that comes when you're doing what you are called to do. :)

 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.   -Romans 12:2

Where does my hope come from?

Last night, I realized that my life is totally out of control. I came here to Los Angeles with a plan in mind. I would transfer in two years with an associate degree, and be admitted in an academically excellent university. I kept adjusting my plans to fit what I discovered as reality here. The tuition is expensive, and my plan was rather feasible if I had the time and money to go with it. Add that up to the expectation that I'm supposed to graduate in four years, which I doubt will happen.

In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.

My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.

It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.

When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.

I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.

Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.

My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."

Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.

My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.

2nd Sem Sched :)

TTh
10:00 AM - 11:30 AM -- Speech Communication 10, Basic Speech Communication : Prof. Christian Ezekiel Fajardo
11:30 AM - 01:00 PM -- Communication 2, Basic Research Skills : Prof. Ruth Tindaan
01:00 PM - 02:30 PM -- Social Science II, Social, Economic, and Political Thought : Prof. Arturo Boquiren
02:30 PM - 04:00 PM -- Physics 11, Physics of Everyday Activities : Prof. Crismar Patacsil
04:00 PM - 05:30 PM -- Social Science II, Social, Economic, and Political Thought : Prof. Alejandro Ciencia (Sit-in, dahil wala akong matutunan kay Sir Bok :|)

WF
10:00 AM - 11:00 AM -- Psychology 101, General Psychology : Prof. Evangeline Ram
01:00 PM - 02:30 PM -- Philosophy 27, Philosophizing on Being Human : Prof. Tano Ramoya

The Drama of Moving Out

Oh-kay. Fun's over.

Moving into UP BREHA was easy for me. I actually felt lucky to be here, because a lot of freshies wanted to be here, too. I didn't know that the moving out was harder.

I just don't want to stay here anymore. Don't get me wrong, everyone here is nice. The guards, the admin, and my dormmates, they're all kind. They are what you call "acquaintances". They know my name, but they don't know who I am.

Passing the readmission letter to BREHA was already a difficult choice to make. As much as I wanted to say, " 'Wag mo nang ipasa 'yan, wala naman silang [my parents] magagawa 'pag di ka na-readmit eh," but I'm considering my parent's decision, too. Note CONSIDERING. And, if you're reading that letter right now, you'd probably think about what a total "plastic" I was.

I was talking to my mom a while ago, and it made me cry once again in my room. Of course, nobody heard me. That was like admitting I was problematic, and I wanted them to hear me out when I know they don't give a damn. I wish I could just say that I had eating problems in BREHA, and I HATE CURFEW. But I knew why I really wanted to go.

Don't get me wrong again. I love my roommates. They make me laugh so hard on cold, sad nights by just listening to their conversations. Again, note THEIR. I never really had a significant part in almost all of those conversations. I wanted to join, but I just wasn't the kind of person who knew how to make "banat" or to say something they would actually listen to. How did I even survive the first semester?

Going back to BREHA everytime I'm tired just makes me more stressed. It makes me lonelier by actually imposing the fact that, I'm going to a house, not a home. After an exhausting day, there wouldn't be a "family" to talk to me, or to hear me out. They're the closest people I have in the dormitory, but they're just like the others. They know about me, but they don't know who I am. I could never say something good, or useful. They have already boxed me as "that" girl, the girl whose loner/boring personality got the best of her. I guess, I am at fault, too. But I don't want to be told what to do anymore. I don't want to be told to relate better to them. I just don't want to be told to survive another semester with people who won't accept who I really am, people who never gave me the chance to show who I can be.

I know I should obey my parents. But are money, savings and safety all that matters? I would never know if I'll be able to stay here next sem, or be able to transfer to Diliman. Either way, I'm not doing it to follow my parent's plan for my life. I'm going to do it to follow God's plan.

I guess when I say "I don't want to live in BREHA anymore," all I mean is, I want to have a home. I need to have a family. Another semester is a very long time for me.

Stars Downdate #1

Yes, you read it right. It's downdate now. :)

I don't really know what that means exactly, but the stars update will have to stop. To put it simply, I don't have a crush on him anymore. Haha! Finally! Well, that's kind of nice to know. I'm enjoying him now as my friend and I laugh real hard when I'm with him.

How it happened? I don't know. It's not that I was turned off, someone just told me he's really waiting for someone right now. I don't want to mess with that. Plus, it's better to have him as my friend. (Yes, I know that’s how bitter people make palusot.)

Oh well, it's not a big deal now.

I'm just bothered about this new guy. He ALWAYS catches me looking at him. And I know it disturbs him. I don't know why he's even looking at me in the first place. It's REALLY weird. I might be freaking him out already or something. I just like seeing him smile, that's all. He looks cute, and he's so nice. But I figured out that I should stop looking at him. Not once nor twice, it's too risky. And I know that he knows. My instincts tell me that his instincts told him. Haha. Wish this fades away soon. :|

Kholyn – Krishna Conversation

*Text Message

Kholyn:

God is the
best healer, why depend on time?

Krishna:

Doesn’t God
heal with time?

Kholyn:

God has His
own time.

*LOL, Krishna.
Kokontra ka pa eh. =))

Stars Update #1

Nakita kita kanina. Tapos hindi ka umiwas. Hindi nga dapat kita babatiin eh. Kunyari busy akong nagbabasa habang naglalakad. Kaya lang nakita mo 'ko, tapos binati mo 'ko. Ganun ka na ba kabait ngayon? 'Di yata uso sa'yo yung salitang "ilang". Parang wala lang sa'yo eh.

Hindi ko pa alam kung anong mararamdaman ko nung kinuha mo yung paper ko sa Comm 1. Siguro yun ang hirap sa'yo. What you see is what you get. Di mo binasa yung paper ko kasi ang title, "How to Make a Sandwich". 'Di mo lang alam, malupit ang laman 'nun.

Tapos nung kinukuha ko sa'yo, ayaw mong ibigay. Hindi ba parang anlabo nun? Tapos nung tinakbuhan kita, tsaka mo naman gustong ibigay. Sinalubong kita pag-akyat mo sa lobby. Kukunin ko na yung paper ko, baka kasi akalain mong iniwan ko lang sa'yo yun kasi gusto kong mabasa mo. At wala ka ring panahong magbasa, may klase ka pa eh. Kaya yun, nagmamadali akong tumakbo papuntang HKP. 11 AM na kasi. Tsaka ko lang na-realize, tapos na pala yung klase ko, 10 AM pala ang start nun. Windang nanaman ako.

*FICTION*

The Makings of a Bloody Sandwich

     “Hey, please take care,” he said as he planted a kiss on the cheek of his girlfriend.

     “Of course I will,” she handed him a lunch box. “Here, I cooked something for you. I know you’re going to miss me.”

     “You shouldn’t have, I’ve already eaten.”

     “You’re a terrible liar, you know that? You can’t even cook.”

     He smiled, and took the lunch box. He knew he was going to miss her. He gave her a big hug before he rode the jeep. The ride was going to last for four hours, and it was going to be dead boring. There was nothing to see except for trees in this rural area. He had been contemplating about his life these days. Going to Mindanao was a choice out of nowhere. He didn’t really know why he studied in UP just to be miles away from his family, writing for his country.

     He thought his butt was growing numb. His legs were having cramps already. “Are we there yet?” he thought to himself. Yet he really didn’t care. He needed the money for his family, and he would go anywhere just to get a news story. Then he thought about his girlfriend, Serah. Her face was appearing in his head for the rest of the trip. It really wasn’t a mistake that he had gone in this place where he was a stranger. He wouldn’t have met her if it wasn’t for this choice.

     Abruptly, the jeep stopped moving. “Thank God,” he thought. He twisted his neck to take a look outside. They were in the middle of a rocky road surrounded by trees. He got the feeling that this wasn’t the place yet. There were only trees, and a road track of dust. There were armed men, more or less a hundred of them. He suddenly felt fear and curiosity at the same time. This could be the perfect news, but he wasn’t in a good position to start with.

      “Everyone, get off the jeep,” said one of them. “Get off the jeep now!” Several gunshots in the air followed.

     One by one, the passengers went down with hands held up high. He was holding the lunchbox. He didn’t know what was happening. “We’re going to be safe. We’re going to be safe,” he said to himself, like a silent litany. The armed men made them all line up. Again, he heard a ripple of gunshots, and blood splashed in every one of those shots. They blasted the head of the man next to him. Then his body budged. He was shot a number of times, like all the others. This time, he really went numb after he felt the pain. He fell on his knees, and then his face was on the ground. He kept looking at the lunch box just beside his face. It was open, chicken and rice scattered on the ground. She cooked Adobo for him, he had smelled it; how he wished he had eaten it. She cooks the best food ever. After a second or two, he passed out.

     Laughter was heard from the armed men. They were having fun, like it was all just a game. They ruled this place called Maguindanao. They had guns, and they had power. They shot everyone as if there was no tomorrow, as if there would never be a payback time.

     On November 23, 2009, the Maguindanao (Ampatuan) Massacre happened. It was noted as the single deadliest event for journalists in history by the Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ). It happened just because of a challenge of candidacy in Elections 2010. Fifty-seven people died, twenty-eight were journalists. And this gave way for the Philippines to be called the second most dangerous country for journalists in the world.

     Journalists were killed. Women were shot on their sex organs. They all lay dead on the ground. Their helpless bodies were thrown in a deep pit. They were covered with soil. It was like the perfect way to make sandwich. Then, the next ingredients were the vehicles, thrown in just after their bodies. Again, it was covered with soil. The last bodies were thrown in again. And finally, a thick layer of soil. Yes, it was just like a sandwich.

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maguindanao_massacre

“Kung Paano Gumawa ng Sandwich” by John Levi Masuli; UP Baguio Outcrop November 2009 Issue

Malabo kang kausap, 'te!

Pagdating ko sa dorm, humiga agad ako.  Hindi pa naman ako inaantok, pero masama yata loob ko. Ganun naman lagi. Full blast yung earphones ko. Nakikinig ako sa Paramore, Switchfoot, Lifehouse, Vertical Horizon at Fine Frenzy. Para lang humupa yung kalungkutan na nararamdaman ko. Ano na'ng gagawin ko ngayong alam mo na? Gusto ko sanang ipamukha sa'yo na hindi ikaw yun. Kaso lang... ikaw naman talaga. Bakit parang hindi yata okay 'yun? Bakit ganun? Magta-tatlong buwan pa lang naman tayong magkakilala, bakit kaya mahalaga yung mga sinasabi at ginagawa mo? Bakit ako nagagalit, eh malalaman mo lang naman na yun yung nararamdaman ko?

Pride. Hindi nga? Hindi ba matagal nang naubos yung lahat ng pride na kaya kong panghawakan? Sabi nila magkaroon daw ako ng kaunting pride. Tapos ngayong meron ako, gusto naman nilang mawala yun. Ang labo, pare.

Alam mo kung anong mas malabo? Hindi ko alam kung iiwas ka o hindi. Kung iiwas ka, masasaktan ako. Kung hindi naman, ang awkward pa rin. Bakit naman kasi ang stupid ko. Kasalanan ko kaya nahalata mo eh. Tapos feeler ka naman.

Nakakatawa pa, ang ganda ng girlfriend mo. Kamukha n'ya yung niligawan nung ex ko pagkatapos ng break-up namin. Tsk, nako. Sumabay pa 'yun. Birthday na nga pala ng ex ko sa friday. Supposedly, anniversary dapat namin sa 24. Magpa-party na lang ako. :))

Ang daya daya. Sana hindi na lang August.

Labo mo, Krishna. Sisihin daw ba yung buwan ngayon?


*FICTION*

Stars :)

Ang cute mo talaga ngumiti. Oo, hindi ka gwapo. Haha, nagtaka ka pa? Alam mo naman yung taste ko eh. Hindi ako tumitingin sa mukha. Tumitingin ako sa ugali. Asa ka naman na gwapo ka. Siguro nadala lang ako ng personality mo. Lahat yata ng tao sa mundo pwede mong makasundo eh.

Ayun. Ang sarap sa 50's Diner 'no? First time kong kumain dun. 'Di kasi ako gala sa Baguio. Good girl ako? Hindi rin. Busy lang talaga buhay ko, walang panahong gumala. Tapos 'yun, natuwa naman ako nung nagkayayaan mag-dinner. Gutom na rin kasi ako.

Pagkatapos nun sumabay ako sa'yo pauwi. Gabi na kasi, hindi ako pwedeng umuwi mag-isa. Lalo na sa BREHA, baka bigla ako ma-kidnap. As if naman may magkaka-interes sa'kin. Pero malay mo rin.

Paakyat na yung taxi. Tapos sabi mo, "Uy, ang ganda nung kanta oh." Hindi ko naman na-recognize kaagad kasi postmod ang mga pinapakinggan ko. "Ha? Anong kanta nga ulit 'yan?" "Stars ng Callalily". Ah okay. Tapos bumaba na rin ako, hindi nga yata umabot sa chorus yung kanta eh. Pero ngayon, marining ko pa lang yung intro, kinikilabutan na 'ko.

"If only you could hear me shout your name, if only you could feel my love again, the stars in the sky would never be the same. If only I had wings so I could fly, I wanna be with you for all of time. My love for you will never die. If only you were here."

'Di na nga kita dapat papansinin eh. Masyado kasi akong naha-high 'pag andyan ka. Weird ng epekto mo sa'kin. 'Pag kinukwento tuloy kita, kala nila kung sinong gwapo. Tapos kinabukasan, pagharap kong bigla sa court, nakita kita. Naalala ko, game mo nga pala ngayon. Sabi ng block rep nyo i-cheer daw kita. Hindi ko naman magawa, baka masyado kang makahalata.

Ewan. Alam ko namang nakakahalata ka na. Naramdaman ko yung friendly na pag-iwas mo. Pambihira, kahit sa pag-iwas, friendly pa rin. Desperado na nga akong ipakita sa'yo na hindi ikaw yung crush ko eh. Kaso lang na-guilty ako bigla, at baka mas lalo akong magmukhang desperado. 'Di naman magbabago yung treatment ko sa'yo . Kunyari wapakels na lang ako sa pag-iwas mo. Kunyari walang epekto sa'kin yun.

Sayang. Ang ganda nung kanta nung isang gabi. Kaso sabi, "If only you were here" daw eh. Nasa tabi mo lang naman ako nun, ‘di ba malamang para sa girlfriend mo 'yun?

*FICTION*

Miss Org :)

Miss Org daw ako. Basta, second week pa lang yun na yung tawag nila sa'kin. Tapos sabi ng upper classmen mahihirapan daw ako in the future dahil sa dami ng org ko. Yung kapwa freshie ko naman, mostly kilala ko dahil sa orgs ko. Cool 'no? Ah ewan.

Eto na lang. Bigyan kita ng list ng mga Orgs ko.

1. Lifebox - eto talaga. Kahit siguro mapunta pa 'ko sa ibang school, Lifebox member pa din ako. Kabilang sya sa "religious organizations". Pero Lifebox is more than about religion for me, it's about having a personal relationship with God. :) Siguro nakaka-survive ako ngayon sa Baguio dahil sa kanila. Lifebox exists to Honor God and Make Disciples.


2. Outcrop - Official Student Publication. Hindi naman daw kasi org ang Outcrop. It's an institution. Hindi pwedeng diktahan ng administration. Dito ko lang talaga na-experience yung real Press Freedom. Ibang iba sa typical high school pub mo, kasi hindi mainstream media ang Outcrop. Masaya ako sa kanila :) Dito talaga namulat yung mata ko sa mga bagay-bagay eh. Nag-apply ako for Photojourn & Lay-out artist, pero news writer din ako.


3. TABAK - Tanghalang Bayang ng Kabataan sa Baguio. Since 1st love ko ang theater, imposible na hindi ako sumali. Ayun, over ang screening nila talaga. Napunta ako sa Music Pool. The best :D Haha. Masaya naman. Collective ang paglago ng bawat member, hindi pwedeng isa lang. Sobrang dami kong natutunan, at sobrang encouraging nila sa bawat palabas. Para sa bayan ang pagtatanghal nila.


4. SET-UP - Sining, Eksena, Tinig sa UP. Merong dalawang auditions dito. Nagustuhan ko naman yung org, kaso eventually nag-quit na rin ako. Apolitical kasi eh. Para sakin lang, gusto ko kasi na may purpose talaga yung ginagawa ko. Yung may pag-aalayan ng puso. Yun lang siguro yung hindi ko nakita personally sa org na 'to.


5. Taekwondo Club - Haha, sa kagustuhang pumayat, sumali ako. :)) Pero di ako masyadong active. Busy kasi eh, at wala pa kasi akong uniform. Pero 2nd Sem talaga, itutuloy ko na 'to. Na-miss ko rin kasi yung training ko nung bata pa 'ko.
   


6. ACS - Alliance of Concerned Students. Political Organization. Para siguro sila sa Student Elections. Anyway, naniniwala ang ACS sa SPRAW o Students and People's Rights and Welfare. Sabi nila, pag ACS ka daw, aktibista na. I beg to disagree.
   


7. Philo Circle - Or Philosophy Circle. May Philo I kasi ako. Tapos ever since, sobrang love ko na ang Philosophy. Kaya yun, masaya kasi ako sa mga discourses namin. Lalo na nung interview ko, ang tanong ko sa kanila, "Is there such a thing as moving on?" Lumalalim kasi yung pag-intindi ko sa mga bagay-bagay kaya na-enjoy ko talaga sila.
   


8. UPB DebSoc - Nag-try out din ako for Debate Society, ayun pasado pero hindi ako tumuloy. Sobrang busy na kasi ng buhay ko, tapos nag-start na sila mag-train kaya ayoko na sumali. Late na 'ko eh. Nag-try din ako sa Argumentum, pero sabi ni Kuya Marco, tsaka na lang daw pag di na 'ko busy.
   


9. Anime_HQ - For anime lovers. Obvious? Isang interest org, masaya, colorful at sobrang kulit ng mga tao. Masarap yung binebenta nilang pagkain tuwing Freshie Night. Must try :) Ayung nga, anime fan ako. Pero dahil di ako gaanong addict sa anime, feeling ko di ako papasa kaya di na lang ako tumuloy. Aww, Inuyashaaaa!

Psychological Interpretation

If there's one thing you shouldn't miss when you're in UP, it's the Psych Interpretation. Basically, it's all about your UPG and how you scored in the Psych Test - a different test given to measure your IQ and your attitude.

So here's what Ms. Sally Leung told me.

• The UPG is composed of 40% of your high school grades and 60% of your UPCAT scores.


• There are four subtests in UPCAT: Math, Science, Language Proficiency, and Reading Comprehension. If you score more than 75, then your aptitude is above average. If it's above 90, then your aptitude is superior.


• UPG for each campus is: Diliman - 2.2 something; Manila - 2.2 something; Los Banos - 2.4; Baguio - 2.5. That's all I know :) And oh, Diliman has the highest cut-off grade.


• The University Predicted Grade is just a prediction of the average grade you could make in UP.


• We don't question high grades, we only question low grades.:)

Yay! My UPG is 2.3 :) Here are my scores in each subtest: Science - 94, Math - 83, Language Proficiency - 92, Reading Comprehension -89, Average - 90. My psychological interpretation turned out to have the qualities: Extrovert, Feeler, Intuitive, and Perceptive. She said my IQ was 140. Cool. Though I only guessed the answers, and they weren't intelligent guesses. (As in eenie-minie chorva lang.) She said I could be running for honors. Haha! That lifted my spirits up a bit.

Will I be transferring? I still don't know. I'm fine here in Baguio.

UP Baguio is a non-smoking campus.

So goes the sign boards in UP Baguio. Still, fifty percent or more are smoking inside the campus. Inside the JL rooms, when we’re having a general assembly. Outside the Outcrop Office.  Backstage of the Bulwagang Juan Luna. Any place where the guards can’t see them.

I was shocked to know that there are only more or less seven of us who still refuse to smoke after almost everyone in a certain organization have already tried smoking. I wonder why they still continue doing it despite the knowledge that smoking is bad for the health.

I am not against smokers. It’s their decision to try smoking and get addicted to the fact that they know how to smoke, and eventually get addicted to smoking itself. I just hope they’d consider that there are also non-smokers in UP Baguio. We really don’t want second-hand smoke, because it’s worse. And it’s not really right to teach or to influence us to do the same.

If UPians can’t be expected to follow simple rules inside the campus, how much more can they expect themselves to follow and lead in our own country? –ooh, that’s a very big picture. I’m sorry, I just don’t like second-hand smoke.

Masaya ba ako?

Masaya ba ako tuwing nagkaka-crush ako sa UP Baguio?

Oo. Inspired ako.

Masaya ba ako sa reaksyon ng mga tao upang ipakita na crush nila ako?

Sa una. Pero ayaw ko kasi nun, wala nang challenge.

Masaya ba ako 'pag nakikita kong nare-realize mong wala na akong gusto sa'yo pagkatapos ng lahat ng 

effort mo?

Hindi. Kasi kaibigan kita. Mahalaga ka.

Masaya ba ako tuwing may bago nanaman akong crush na kinakikiligan at pinag-uusapan?

Oo naman. Pero hindi, kapag nandiyan ka sa tabi at nakikinig.

Masaya ba ako na may kakayahan akong saktan ka o paasahin ka kahit wala naman akong ginagawa sa'yo?

Hindi. Hindi talaga.

Masaya pa ba ako tuwing nandiyan ka?

Hindi na.

Pasensya na ha. Ganito lang talaga ako. Wala lang kasi talaga sa'yo yung ugaling hinahanap ko. Pasensya na kung ikinukumpara kita sa isang taong wala namang kinalaman sa'yo. 'Wag ka mag-alala. Nung nakita ko na kawawa ka, napag-desisyunan kong wala na akong crush. Para fair. Kaya ayun, sa mga ayaw maniwala, pasensya, wala na talaga eh.

1st Sem Schedule of 10-10917

1st Year, 1st Sem.

TTh

10:00 AM - 11:30 AM -- Philosophy 1, Philosophical Analysis : Prof. Leticia Tolentino

02:30 PM - 04:00 PM -- Social Science 13, Gender and Society : Prof. Jennifer Josef

04:00 PM - 05:30 PM -- Biology 10, The Gene in Life : Prof. Rocel Amor Ortega

WF

08:30 AM - 10:00 AM -- Communication 1, Communication Skills : Prof. Scott Magkachi Saboy

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM -- Physical Education 1, Foundations of Physical Fitness : Prof. Florendo

02:30 PM - 04:00 PM -- Mathematics 1, Mathematics in Everyday Life : Prof. Rizavel Addawe

Iskolar ng Bayan

Pwede mo na akong tawaging Iskolar ng Bayan. Nasa UP na a'ko. Hindi ko nga inaasahan na pipiliin ko pa rin and UP kahit enrolled na ako sa La Salle Taft. Isang bagay pa na pinili ko ang Baguio. Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko nung mga panahon na pinili kong mag-enroll sa UP Baguio. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, magiging independent ako pag pumasok ako dito. Noong una ay tinuring ko lamang ang Baguio bilang "stepping stone" para makapasok sa Diliman o Manila. Ngunit nagbago na ang mga bagay. Hindi ko man lang inaasahan na mamahalin ko ang lugar na ito sa kabila ng kalungkutan na puhunan ko rito.

     Dito lang sa Baguio may abortion at pregnancy stairs. Dito lang may upper, lower at lowest canteen. Dito lang sobrang tutok sa mga estudyante at sobrang inaalagaan ang freshmen. At sobrang liit ng campus. Kahit saan yatang building ako pumunta, may makakasalubong ako na kakilala ko. At ‘pag tumayo ako sa pinakamataas na parte ng campus, matatanaw ko na ang buong UP Baguio. Marami pang maganda sa Baguio kahit alam kong marami pa rin akong hindi pa napupuntahan. At masaya dahil hindi na ako naiirita sa kainitan hindi tulad 'pag bumababa ako. At dahil kaunti lang kami, para kaming isang malaking pamilya. Mainit ang pagtanggap, dahil halos lahat naman sa'min ay nakakaranas ng pagiging homesick.

     Dito lang din sa UP namulat ang aking mga mata. Nagsimula 'yon nung hinila ako ng matalik kong kaibigan sa Outcrop Office. Sumali kaagad ako dahil dati naman akong Associate Editor sa newspaper namin noong high school. At pagkatapos, ang TABAK Baguio (Tanghalang Bayan ng Kabataan sa Baguio) naman ang sinalihan ko. Ang pagtatanghal talaga ang una kong pag-ibig. Pero akala ko ganoon lang kadali iyon. Magsusulat at magtatanghal. Ngunit imposible, dahil lahat yata ng pagsusulat at pagtatanghal nila ay may ibig sabihin, lahat ay may pinag-aalayan. Dito nabuo ang pagmamahal ko sa bayan. Ang pagkakaroon ko ng pakialam sa mga bagay.

     Sabi ko pa noon sa TABAK, hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko na aktibista kahit sa mga susunod pang panahon. At hindi pa rin naman ako aktibista hanggang ngayon. Siguro dahil iyon sa wala akong pakialam kung ano ang pagiging aktibista. Basta ang alam ko, nagsusulat ako para sa mga mag-aaral na  masyado nang naghihirap dahil sa TOFI, at para sa mga kaibigan kong pumasa ngunit hindi tumuloy sa UP dahil sa sobrang taas na tuition fee. Nagtatanghal ako para sa mga magsasaka at sa mga taong nagbabayad ng buwis na ginagamit pampa-aral sa mga Iskolar ng Bayan ngunit sarili nilang pamilya ay hindi nila mapag-aral.

     Marami pa akong natutunan tungkol sa Pilipinas. Nakikita ko na rin ang mga tunay na problema ng bansa at kung gaano tayo kalugmok sa mga problemang iyon. At nasasaktan rin akong panoorin ang lipunan kung saan may nakatataas at kung saan may naghihirap. Kung dati, malaking isyu na sa akin ang pagtingin ng mga tao sa iba't ibang UP campuses, ngayon ay nabubulagan na ako kung sakaling pagtutuunan ko pa ng pansin 'yon. Tapos kada pag-akyat at pagbaba ko pa sa Baguio, nakikita ko ang mga lupain na sinasaka. 'Di ko mapigilang isipin na maswerte na ako. Pero hindi 'yon nagtatapos doon. Hindi pwedeng wala akong pakialam at wala akong gagawin.

     Gusto ko nang tumigil mag-isip sa mga bagay na hindi tama. Hindi tama na hindi binibigay ang dapat na subsidy ng gobyerno sa edukasyon ng mga Pilipino, mapa-high school o elementary man. Hindi tama na maraming hindi nakakapag-aral sa UP dahil sa kakulangan sa pera. Hindi tama na may mga naghahari at nagdurusa sa lipunan. Hindi tama na halos wala nang sariling kultura ang Pilipinas. At hindi tama na maraming Pilipino ang walang pakialam.

     Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng kamalian na mayroon sa bansang sinilangan ko, isa akong UPian. Hindi lang basta may alam, kundi may pakialam. Kahit pa ilipat ako ng ibang eskwelahan o kahit pa makapagtapos na ako, alam kong simula nang mapunta ako sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas, ang buhay ko ay nakatakdang ialay para suklian ang hirap at pagod ng mga Pilipino para lang ako'y maging Iskolar ng Bayan.

The University of the Philippines is a university of the people, by the people, and for the people.

The symbol of the Oblation is sacrifice. The sacrifice of one's self for the country.

Um, uh-oh. Baguio. It's tomorrow.

Yes, I'm officially off to Baguio tomorrow. Am I freaking out? Am I being all nervous and/or excited. No, I am not. Am I abnormal? Yes, I guess so.

Oh right, homesickness. I'm still not ready for it. Although my mom is going to be with me for two days (and is actually more excited than I am, 'cause she told me to pack my things up two weeks before), being away from my family without nothing to do is going to kill me. Seriously.

Hm, can someone give me a proper itinerary? Since I'm in Baguio, and UP has no classes on Mondays, I'm going to spend my free days visiting all museums, parks and wonderful places in and near the city. Of course, with my best friend JesaLuna, whom I easily convinced to make UPB her second choice. But probably on most Mondays, the plan will be a major FAIL because she sleeps ALL DAY.

And aren't there haunted houses in Baguio? Ooh, exciting.

I guess I'll just take things the way they go. I have everything planned out for me, but I don't know if fate agrees with me.

In the State of Confusion

Okay. So I only have 2 weeks left and I'm off to Baguio. Choosing UP is an easy decision to make. But choosing Baguio, well, I'm still in confusion.

First off, I've been there for only one night and I can't even stand the homesickness. I really don't want to end up crying. It's not an easy choice to make. I'll be living all alone. I'll be washing my own underwear soon. :| I'll be tending for myself. I'll be independent.

The last thing on my mind was going to Baguio for college. But I believe, with everything that has happened, that's where God is leading me. I've been praying about this a lot. I even chose it over studying in La Salle with the course I want. Now I have to take the risk of being stuck in another course that is fit for me yet not really my heart's desire.

But I know what I must do. I must take all the confusion out of my mind. God promised me that I will have a great future ahead of me. So whatever happens, if I put my trust in Him, things will only get better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11