Year-End Thingamajiggy

Hey everyone! :D

I just can't pass up the chance to say that I pray everyone will have an awesome new year ahead of us, and of course a gratefulness for God's faithfulness through the years.

Love y'all! Will be adding some stuff to this later.

-Krishna

Grace Happens

 

I don't really have something structured in my mind right now.

I am just sorry that I haven't been fair. I know this past year has been generally painful. I feel like I have been in a storm all throughout, with a few breaks, thankfully. But even then, I am just thankful. I have nothing else to say. I am shaking just thinking about how faithful God is in my life. I know there's been so much hurt in my life, but I would never have it any other way. 'Cause now I see how God is so faithful to someone so unfaithful like me. That is more beautiful than any other material blessing I could have.

I am thankful, because now I can proudly say that I have let go, and I have healed. That doesn't mean that some things won't hurt anymore, but there would be that astounding peace and joy. I am finally at rest, knowing that I am in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it takes you such a long time to stop holding on to the things that make your heart break. Sometimes it's not really easy. Sometimes, the end of it is not as special as you've imagined it to be. How do you really know when it's all over and you came out of it the way you should?

Peace.

And oh, one more thing...

Grace happens here. :)

\\\\\\\\\Yes, people. Present tense.

 

Thank you, Jesus. ♥

Where does my hope come from?

Last night, I realized that my life is totally out of control. I came here to Los Angeles with a plan in mind. I would transfer in two years with an associate degree, and be admitted in an academically excellent university. I kept adjusting my plans to fit what I discovered as reality here. The tuition is expensive, and my plan was rather feasible if I had the time and money to go with it. Add that up to the expectation that I'm supposed to graduate in four years, which I doubt will happen.

In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.

My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.

It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.

When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.

I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.

Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.

My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."

Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.

Fasting Day #2

Of God's faithfulness and the joy of my salvation.

He is faithful in my life, and He never changes even when I do. He never changes no matter where I am, literally and figuratively. I am in a storm right now. I can't do the things which I should, and I do the things which I shouldn't. But He said that I have died in my sins, and I am not a slave of sin anymore. This life I live, I only live for God.

I've been frustrated for the past month because I have lost sight of who I am in God. I have forgotten that He has given me the power to overcome. I have forgotten that when He looks at me, He doesn't see my sin, but He sees the perfection of His Son. I have forgotten that knowing what Jesus did on the cross is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life, and whatever I do, He loves me the same.

That alone is great blessing. I am in a storm, but I will praise Him. I felt that I wasn't blessed, and that I was so unfortunate to be where I am, hopeless and full of disappointment. I am in no position to feel that way because He has blessed me in so many ways, and not everyone gets to have opportunities that He gave me. I am in no position to be hopeless, because I have a God greater than any problem there is, and He will back me up. I have a Father who owns the whole earth, and He is more than willing to provide for His daughter. I am blessed because I am accepted, I am loved, and He promised that He will be with me in this storm. I am blessed because He knows how I feel, and He gave up His life for me so I may truly live.

And even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely, like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy, but You said You'd see me through the storm
~He Will Carry Me, Mark Schultz

PS. I'm so sorry I'm not posting my Bible references here. :) I would love to, but I am not in the mood, especially because my devotion time is in the morning. >.< These are just reflections of what He has shown me throughout the day.

Making it up to you ~_~

Guess what? I just went to the movies to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Yeah, here in California.

Haha! I know it's not the proper thing to say after leaving you out here for a month or more without any update. I am so sorry, and you don't know how my guilt is eating me up because I dropped you all of a sudden when I, myself, hate it when people do that to me. *__*

Some beautiful thing I saw on my way to Downtown L.A.

Shot from my iPhone which was selflessly given by my mom. T_T I miss her.

For the missed New Year and Christmas greetings, here's what I have to say.

I LOVE YOU! :)

And I guess that's enough, 'cause I mean it. Well, I meant that for my blog. And to you as well, dear reader. I am quite surprised to have a steady number of viewers even though I've been gone for a reaaaally long while. Thank you for being more faithful than I am. Haha.

Hiatus is over, baby! Time for some real ass-kickin'. (I can't believe I'm talking teenager right now -- since I've been here, actually.) #thegrosssideofme

The bottomline of all bottomlines, I wouldn't be writing in this blog if I wasn't moved by that undeserved grace. 'Cause this blog thing would be nothing if He weren't in it. :DD

*Indication of some ongoing wonders caused by my Creator. Go figure.

To the One who hears

Because today is the 2nd anniversary of my first break-up, I'm blogging.

Hahaha, kidding. I don't have another reason to blog aside from God, who is such a hit -- a timeless topic. If I'm blogging about frustrations, it's not because I want the whole world to know how pissed and messed up I am. But it is actually an act of lifting it up to the One who hears my unheard cries and never fails to answer.

In our church, we have a 7-Day Prayer and Fasting every January. And this is something I wrote in my Devotion Notebook -- a list of all that I asked for this year or Faith Goals as they call it:

Click to enlarge. Prayers and Promises.

 

It's already November, and He has answered the things I've prayed and fasted for (and even more, though it's not written here, haha!). You can compare the two photos and see which promises He has fulfilled already.

Click to enlarge. Answered Prayers and Fulfilled Promises.

 

If you took the time to see which one's missing, you'll see that I have not put there yet the item "Restoration of Relationships". But I believe that before the year ends, friendships and relationships will be restored by Him, the healer of hearts. If not this year, there's always next year. I believe that His timing is always right. And who knows, it might have been answered already, just not how I expected it to be. :)

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God,

Thank You for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I know that You know my needs even before I ask, and that You provide them at the proper time, never too early and never too late. Thank You for giving me the strength and grace to do Your will in my life. Thank You because You said that when I cry, you hear it for You are compassionate. Even when I question You and Your ways, I believe that You are faithful, You never change, and that You will only give the best for me, Your daughter. I love You, because You loved me first, and I know that You will always love me more.

-Krishna

A Day in the Life of a So-Called Christian

I went to Divisoria today. It rained so hard. I never imagined myself ever walking in a flooded street, let alone a flooded Tabora Street. I trod through the water which looked just a shade lighter than black, filthy with plastic trashes floating all around, and canals probably reeking of rat poop. I got several ulcer attacks, which I've only experience recently. Seriously, not eating really makes me lose weight way more than exercising. But it gave me this. Plus my menstruation, plus having something like diarrhea and constipation rolled in one. My tummy hurt like crazy.

The night before that was also the night in which the spirit of my secret sin came back seven times stronger, with a touch of confusion and an indifference that I resented the most, as my firmness in His Word faded away (a result of compromising my quiet time). It brought along the perfect excuse, whispering in my ear, "Why not go further? It only takes one sin to go to hell, no matter how big or small. And you've already sinned a lot. Why not sin more? Don't you want to maximize this time? You'll ask for forgiveness later on anyway. Sure, he will forgive you. You can always say sorry."

I hated myself for choosing to sin. I hated myself for believing that lie, much more for listening to it. I hated myself because I was aware that I was becoming licentious to His forgiveness. I was abusing Him. And so I soaked myself up in guilt and condemnation, because I knew it was the punishment I deserved. Weeks before that, I was proud of my own righteousness, and my spiritual disciplines that I thought I would finally be okay, and stable. But I couldn't. I would sin again and again with the generational curse that has been put upon me and my family.

Pain from the ulcer attack increased, with every reluctant step I took in that shopping place. I said, "God, please heal me. I know you can." But this sin has blocked off my connection with Him. I no longer felt that He cared. I know He could heal me, but I did not have the confidence that He would. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't even call Him my Father. I did say it once because I had to, but with hesitation pinching my heart because I don't deserve to. That was when I knew how to be a so-called Christian:

You wake up each day, and say a recited prayer, knowing that a God exists, and that He's all-powerful, but He doesn't care about you. You sin everyday, say sorry every night, and do the cycle all over again, until Sunday, when you try to be Ms. Righteous and work your way to the assurance that you will make it to heaven when you die. So you sleep at night, still afraid to die, and feeling that emptiness that devours you for the longest time. You are a Christian because it's you're religion. You know He's there but you've never really experienced Him. You sin, but you never really change, or at most you never really want to.

I never want to be away from Him again, but I felt that I couldn't draw near because I was so unfaithful. I broke His heart again. I've offended Him for the nth time, with the sin I loathed so much. I knew I was being condemned, still I wallowed in that feeling, losing the hope for changing and overcoming.

I'm here writing this today because my God is faithful even when I'm not. He does not change His mind about me (Numbers 23:19) and the promises He has already made for me (Joshua 21:45). He did not let me go, He never gave up on me and He helped me stand up again. I know the race is hard, and I will continuously fall down if I trust myself and not depend on Him, but He has chosen and set me apart, and I know that He will see to it that I will finish this race by His grace (Philippians 1:6). It's because of His love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness alone that I can have a stable pure and holy life, and I trust that there is such a thing. I know He is stronger than all my fears and weaknesses summed up, and He will mold my character as His daughter, to be able to serve Him more, and as a woman, for the person He has also set apart for me.

I think that the biggest struggle here is the forgiveness that you can't give yourself, and the guilt and condemnation after you sin that makes you want to turn away from God even more. But my Father loves me even when I'm filthy, and has given everything to make me pure and valuable again. I believe Him and all the things He has done for me, that alone has made me His daughter (Galatians 3:26-29). He said it, so it's settled. No amount of lies from the devil can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:28-29) because He will protect me.

It takes His grace to strike a balance between being legalistic and being licentious. It takes His faithfulness to keep you in track of genuine worship. And I stand with the hope of doing that for good (as in until eternity), because He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am His, and nothing will change that (Isaiah 43:1).

Breaking My Fall

     There was never a time when I would have to choose, and then not fall in any of the direction that I've chosen. But still, everytime I fall, there's always this someone that breaks my fall. Someone who loves me, and would never let me go. I wonder if He ever gets tired of always having to rescue me. Maybe that's just how amazing His undeserved grace is.

     I was asked one time, "How could He be truth? How could He be love? How could you have faith when it's so illogical? Sometimes, I feel like I'm only believing in Him because it's the easy way out." I couldn't answer that question without having to question authority or religion. I could not answer that question because my wisdom is futile. I could not explain the wonders of the God I love. But all I know is that I could not deny Him, too. Screw all the feelings I've felt, or the changes I've made. No matter how I end up saying that His existence may be illogical or unexplainable, there's always this voice in my head that says He is truth. I would rather leave this life of being so wise and critical in the world of men, than let go of the knowledge that this God loves me so much, even when I did nothing for Him to love me. I'd rather be called foolish and illogical, than deny this love I have for that man who died on the cross for me.

     He has set me free. He is the God who became man just to know what it's like, the pain and the persecutions. He is the God who risked being hurt by creating man, just so He could love us. And that love never fails to break my fall. Wherever I go, that love knows what I'm going through, that love never fails to guide me. That love never fails, period.

     I want to live for You. I want to let the world know how beautiful You are. I want to worship You no matter what, until there's nothing left of me. I want my life to be Yours, because it's meant to be Yours, You deserve it.

 "I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?" -Breaking My Fall, Jeremy Camp

"I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true. And I fall in-love with the ones that run me through. When all along all I need is You." -Sing It Out, Switchfoot

In the State of Confusion

Okay. So I only have 2 weeks left and I'm off to Baguio. Choosing UP is an easy decision to make. But choosing Baguio, well, I'm still in confusion.

First off, I've been there for only one night and I can't even stand the homesickness. I really don't want to end up crying. It's not an easy choice to make. I'll be living all alone. I'll be washing my own underwear soon. :| I'll be tending for myself. I'll be independent.

The last thing on my mind was going to Baguio for college. But I believe, with everything that has happened, that's where God is leading me. I've been praying about this a lot. I even chose it over studying in La Salle with the course I want. Now I have to take the risk of being stuck in another course that is fit for me yet not really my heart's desire.

But I know what I must do. I must take all the confusion out of my mind. God promised me that I will have a great future ahead of me. So whatever happens, if I put my trust in Him, things will only get better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11