Fasting Day #2

Of God's faithfulness and the joy of my salvation.

He is faithful in my life, and He never changes even when I do. He never changes no matter where I am, literally and figuratively. I am in a storm right now. I can't do the things which I should, and I do the things which I shouldn't. But He said that I have died in my sins, and I am not a slave of sin anymore. This life I live, I only live for God.

I've been frustrated for the past month because I have lost sight of who I am in God. I have forgotten that He has given me the power to overcome. I have forgotten that when He looks at me, He doesn't see my sin, but He sees the perfection of His Son. I have forgotten that knowing what Jesus did on the cross is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life, and whatever I do, He loves me the same.

That alone is great blessing. I am in a storm, but I will praise Him. I felt that I wasn't blessed, and that I was so unfortunate to be where I am, hopeless and full of disappointment. I am in no position to feel that way because He has blessed me in so many ways, and not everyone gets to have opportunities that He gave me. I am in no position to be hopeless, because I have a God greater than any problem there is, and He will back me up. I have a Father who owns the whole earth, and He is more than willing to provide for His daughter. I am blessed because I am accepted, I am loved, and He promised that He will be with me in this storm. I am blessed because He knows how I feel, and He gave up His life for me so I may truly live.

And even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need, He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely, like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy, but You said You'd see me through the storm
~He Will Carry Me, Mark Schultz

PS. I'm so sorry I'm not posting my Bible references here. :) I would love to, but I am not in the mood, especially because my devotion time is in the morning. >.< These are just reflections of what He has shown me throughout the day.

A Day in the Life of a So-Called Christian

I went to Divisoria today. It rained so hard. I never imagined myself ever walking in a flooded street, let alone a flooded Tabora Street. I trod through the water which looked just a shade lighter than black, filthy with plastic trashes floating all around, and canals probably reeking of rat poop. I got several ulcer attacks, which I've only experience recently. Seriously, not eating really makes me lose weight way more than exercising. But it gave me this. Plus my menstruation, plus having something like diarrhea and constipation rolled in one. My tummy hurt like crazy.

The night before that was also the night in which the spirit of my secret sin came back seven times stronger, with a touch of confusion and an indifference that I resented the most, as my firmness in His Word faded away (a result of compromising my quiet time). It brought along the perfect excuse, whispering in my ear, "Why not go further? It only takes one sin to go to hell, no matter how big or small. And you've already sinned a lot. Why not sin more? Don't you want to maximize this time? You'll ask for forgiveness later on anyway. Sure, he will forgive you. You can always say sorry."

I hated myself for choosing to sin. I hated myself for believing that lie, much more for listening to it. I hated myself because I was aware that I was becoming licentious to His forgiveness. I was abusing Him. And so I soaked myself up in guilt and condemnation, because I knew it was the punishment I deserved. Weeks before that, I was proud of my own righteousness, and my spiritual disciplines that I thought I would finally be okay, and stable. But I couldn't. I would sin again and again with the generational curse that has been put upon me and my family.

Pain from the ulcer attack increased, with every reluctant step I took in that shopping place. I said, "God, please heal me. I know you can." But this sin has blocked off my connection with Him. I no longer felt that He cared. I know He could heal me, but I did not have the confidence that He would. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't even call Him my Father. I did say it once because I had to, but with hesitation pinching my heart because I don't deserve to. That was when I knew how to be a so-called Christian:

You wake up each day, and say a recited prayer, knowing that a God exists, and that He's all-powerful, but He doesn't care about you. You sin everyday, say sorry every night, and do the cycle all over again, until Sunday, when you try to be Ms. Righteous and work your way to the assurance that you will make it to heaven when you die. So you sleep at night, still afraid to die, and feeling that emptiness that devours you for the longest time. You are a Christian because it's you're religion. You know He's there but you've never really experienced Him. You sin, but you never really change, or at most you never really want to.

I never want to be away from Him again, but I felt that I couldn't draw near because I was so unfaithful. I broke His heart again. I've offended Him for the nth time, with the sin I loathed so much. I knew I was being condemned, still I wallowed in that feeling, losing the hope for changing and overcoming.

I'm here writing this today because my God is faithful even when I'm not. He does not change His mind about me (Numbers 23:19) and the promises He has already made for me (Joshua 21:45). He did not let me go, He never gave up on me and He helped me stand up again. I know the race is hard, and I will continuously fall down if I trust myself and not depend on Him, but He has chosen and set me apart, and I know that He will see to it that I will finish this race by His grace (Philippians 1:6). It's because of His love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness alone that I can have a stable pure and holy life, and I trust that there is such a thing. I know He is stronger than all my fears and weaknesses summed up, and He will mold my character as His daughter, to be able to serve Him more, and as a woman, for the person He has also set apart for me.

I think that the biggest struggle here is the forgiveness that you can't give yourself, and the guilt and condemnation after you sin that makes you want to turn away from God even more. But my Father loves me even when I'm filthy, and has given everything to make me pure and valuable again. I believe Him and all the things He has done for me, that alone has made me His daughter (Galatians 3:26-29). He said it, so it's settled. No amount of lies from the devil can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:28-29) because He will protect me.

It takes His grace to strike a balance between being legalistic and being licentious. It takes His faithfulness to keep you in track of genuine worship. And I stand with the hope of doing that for good (as in until eternity), because He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am His, and nothing will change that (Isaiah 43:1).

Guns 'n' Roses

Believe me, crying at "Guns & Roses" ending was the least I expected. There's only one word for it: EPIC! Not only because I love Robin Padilla and his acting skills (and the way his eyes were as tearful as mine were), but also because the concept was classic. Though the latter part of it was kind of crazy, since I can't tell whether Abel Marasigan (Robin Padilla) really died and his appearance at the very end was just a figment of Rein's (Bea Alonzo) imagination, or he was just sick so he wasn't able to attend his child's christening and then got well sooner. Still, the part where Abel got shot several times, there are no words for it. :| (The fact that it seemed impossible for him to live should be my cue, but he was carrying the baby at the end!) My mind was blown away.

Internet Photo

There's just this statement that is still stuck on my head. It's not verbatim, though. As the happiest moments of Abel's life flashed before him, he asked, "Sa tingin mo ba, kaya pa nila akong tanggapin? Kaya pa kaya nila akong patawarin?" [Do you think they would still accept me (in heaven)? Can they forgive me?] Then Rein said, "Oo, tatanggapin ka nila. Papatawarin ka nila. Magmamakaawa ako sa Diyos para tanggapin ka N'ya." [Yes, they will accept you. They will forgive you. I will beg God to accept you.] 

A little background on Abel, he was used and trained by his uncle to be an assassin to protect his family and avenge his father, not knowing that his own uncle was the real enemy. He wanted to live a new life, but his past as a criminal haunted him.

As he said those statements, questions flooded my mind. What happens to people who has all the right intentions, but all the wrong circumstances? Would he go to heaven? If not, would God be mad at him so much? If he wanted to change and turn away from sin, why didn't God give him a happy ending? What about the people who have never heard or will never hear about Jesus? Isn't it unfair?

My heart was filled with compassion, and I imagined that God would have felt the same, only so much more intense. He accepts people for who they are, no matter how evil or sinful. He welcomes them into His arms, if only they also wanted to be with Him. His forgiveness is infinite, and He would never remember the mistakes we did before. A person like Abel would never really want to change, if it weren't for the grace God gives. Happy endings don't always happen in this life, but I am confident that He is never unfair. And as I was reading my Bible earlier, I found this:

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

   the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

Day after day they pour forth speech; 

   night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words; 

   no sound is heard from them. 

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, 

   their words to the ends of the world. 

Psalm 19:1-4a

It is only proof that God's message is for all, we see it in the skies and hear it in the wind. The universe and our body are amazingly complex and exact that who and where we are could never be an accident. He gives equal chances for all to hear His word, just in different ways we would never understand.

What made me sad about the last episode was that Abel wasn't sure if he was accepted and forgiven. He went to church and sought God, but it's as if He did not realize the weight of what Jesus did and he was not confident that after all the sin, shame, and guilt, God would never answer "No" to his questions earlier. Two thumbs up, because God's love and what He did on the cross surpasses any amount of love and sacrifice that any person could ever give.

Breaking My Fall

     There was never a time when I would have to choose, and then not fall in any of the direction that I've chosen. But still, everytime I fall, there's always this someone that breaks my fall. Someone who loves me, and would never let me go. I wonder if He ever gets tired of always having to rescue me. Maybe that's just how amazing His undeserved grace is.

     I was asked one time, "How could He be truth? How could He be love? How could you have faith when it's so illogical? Sometimes, I feel like I'm only believing in Him because it's the easy way out." I couldn't answer that question without having to question authority or religion. I could not answer that question because my wisdom is futile. I could not explain the wonders of the God I love. But all I know is that I could not deny Him, too. Screw all the feelings I've felt, or the changes I've made. No matter how I end up saying that His existence may be illogical or unexplainable, there's always this voice in my head that says He is truth. I would rather leave this life of being so wise and critical in the world of men, than let go of the knowledge that this God loves me so much, even when I did nothing for Him to love me. I'd rather be called foolish and illogical, than deny this love I have for that man who died on the cross for me.

     He has set me free. He is the God who became man just to know what it's like, the pain and the persecutions. He is the God who risked being hurt by creating man, just so He could love us. And that love never fails to break my fall. Wherever I go, that love knows what I'm going through, that love never fails to guide me. That love never fails, period.

     I want to live for You. I want to let the world know how beautiful You are. I want to worship You no matter what, until there's nothing left of me. I want my life to be Yours, because it's meant to be Yours, You deserve it.

 "I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?" -Breaking My Fall, Jeremy Camp

"I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true. And I fall in-love with the ones that run me through. When all along all I need is You." -Sing It Out, Switchfoot