A Day in the Life of a So-Called Christian

I went to Divisoria today. It rained so hard. I never imagined myself ever walking in a flooded street, let alone a flooded Tabora Street. I trod through the water which looked just a shade lighter than black, filthy with plastic trashes floating all around, and canals probably reeking of rat poop. I got several ulcer attacks, which I've only experience recently. Seriously, not eating really makes me lose weight way more than exercising. But it gave me this. Plus my menstruation, plus having something like diarrhea and constipation rolled in one. My tummy hurt like crazy.

The night before that was also the night in which the spirit of my secret sin came back seven times stronger, with a touch of confusion and an indifference that I resented the most, as my firmness in His Word faded away (a result of compromising my quiet time). It brought along the perfect excuse, whispering in my ear, "Why not go further? It only takes one sin to go to hell, no matter how big or small. And you've already sinned a lot. Why not sin more? Don't you want to maximize this time? You'll ask for forgiveness later on anyway. Sure, he will forgive you. You can always say sorry."

I hated myself for choosing to sin. I hated myself for believing that lie, much more for listening to it. I hated myself because I was aware that I was becoming licentious to His forgiveness. I was abusing Him. And so I soaked myself up in guilt and condemnation, because I knew it was the punishment I deserved. Weeks before that, I was proud of my own righteousness, and my spiritual disciplines that I thought I would finally be okay, and stable. But I couldn't. I would sin again and again with the generational curse that has been put upon me and my family.

Pain from the ulcer attack increased, with every reluctant step I took in that shopping place. I said, "God, please heal me. I know you can." But this sin has blocked off my connection with Him. I no longer felt that He cared. I know He could heal me, but I did not have the confidence that He would. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't even call Him my Father. I did say it once because I had to, but with hesitation pinching my heart because I don't deserve to. That was when I knew how to be a so-called Christian:

You wake up each day, and say a recited prayer, knowing that a God exists, and that He's all-powerful, but He doesn't care about you. You sin everyday, say sorry every night, and do the cycle all over again, until Sunday, when you try to be Ms. Righteous and work your way to the assurance that you will make it to heaven when you die. So you sleep at night, still afraid to die, and feeling that emptiness that devours you for the longest time. You are a Christian because it's you're religion. You know He's there but you've never really experienced Him. You sin, but you never really change, or at most you never really want to.

I never want to be away from Him again, but I felt that I couldn't draw near because I was so unfaithful. I broke His heart again. I've offended Him for the nth time, with the sin I loathed so much. I knew I was being condemned, still I wallowed in that feeling, losing the hope for changing and overcoming.

I'm here writing this today because my God is faithful even when I'm not. He does not change His mind about me (Numbers 23:19) and the promises He has already made for me (Joshua 21:45). He did not let me go, He never gave up on me and He helped me stand up again. I know the race is hard, and I will continuously fall down if I trust myself and not depend on Him, but He has chosen and set me apart, and I know that He will see to it that I will finish this race by His grace (Philippians 1:6). It's because of His love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness alone that I can have a stable pure and holy life, and I trust that there is such a thing. I know He is stronger than all my fears and weaknesses summed up, and He will mold my character as His daughter, to be able to serve Him more, and as a woman, for the person He has also set apart for me.

I think that the biggest struggle here is the forgiveness that you can't give yourself, and the guilt and condemnation after you sin that makes you want to turn away from God even more. But my Father loves me even when I'm filthy, and has given everything to make me pure and valuable again. I believe Him and all the things He has done for me, that alone has made me His daughter (Galatians 3:26-29). He said it, so it's settled. No amount of lies from the devil can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:28-29) because He will protect me.

It takes His grace to strike a balance between being legalistic and being licentious. It takes His faithfulness to keep you in track of genuine worship. And I stand with the hope of doing that for good (as in until eternity), because He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am His, and nothing will change that (Isaiah 43:1).

Lessons learned from an emotional whirlwind

So now I've learned my lesson. As you can see, I just got attacked by a big emotional whirlwind which was caused by yours truly. It is my fault. And now I'm okay again, so it just comes and goes. Though I do feel a bit ashamed that a lot of people got to read my emo posts. Here's what I learned:

• Discernment. Learn to discern which things are good for you and which are not. If you know you struggle with lust, and those kind of things, then you better not watch movies with love scenes, or even the simple scenes that make your hormones go in a frenzy. As for me, I'm really carried away by the emotions that the characters/situations have. It's like I'm empathizing with them. Haha. Watching Bokura Ga Ita and seeing the 80% similarity of characters and situations in the anime to my own past relationship just made me dissatisfied with things already said and done. Its open endedness just made me want to wish for more.

• Distance. When you write, there must be a "readiness" from when the situation happened. It was wrong for me to write all my feelings all of a sudden when I clearly know that I can't trust my emotions, and that they come and go. When you're really angry, you might not want to write things because the anger might come back when you read it again, or you might insult other people while writing. When you're really sad, you might tend to exaggerate. Old writings don't bring back old feelings for me, but I'm just afraid that I might have endangered the feelings of readers who are experiencing the same thing.

• Self-control. Some people have a lot of self-control. One amazing thing I admire about my ex was that he had self-control. Me? Not so much. Some people know when to stop and can actually stop all of a sudden; some people can't. Sometimes, when you ask for God's grace to give you self-control, you don't say "no" when you're in the middle of doing something wrong. You don't let yourself be lured to the edges asking, "Should I do this, or should I not?" You say "no" just as the temptation presents itself to you. Then turn around and don't look back. Don't stay on the edges, because you won't always have the resolve to turn away, and those temptations will just be pushing you a few inches before you fall. Don't give the enemy that advantage.

• Forgiveness and Loving Yourself. When you love others, you forgive them, you don't remember their mistakes anymore. But before you love others, you must love yourself first. Forgive yourself and forget about the mistakes you did in the past. When you have Jesus in your heart, you're surely not the same person who did those mistakes long ago. And of course, what forgiveness could be greater than His forgiveness? When He forgives, you start on a clean slate, you're a new person. He has forgotten about all the wrong choices that you made. Don't live in the past. Don't desire the things of the past, because He's going to give you new and better things now. You don't live in shame and guilt. That's why He died, so that He could free you of your past, that you won't feel condemned anymore by the things you did. He died to let you know how valuable you are to Him, so love yourself as well.

• Grace. The realization of His grace happened at the height of my madness. I actually got to the point of comparing God to someone else. I realized that reminiscing the past and loving that person was a choice, and I knew that that choice was wrong. I felt as if I was betraying God because I was choosing this person over Him. I felt as if I loved this certain person more than I love Him. And I cried out because it wasn't fair to God. There's this statement in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" which says that God has chosen to love me. He has chosen to let His son die for me. Love is a choice. Believe it or not, I felt His embrace at that moment. I could never do or say anything to make Him love me more. But for me to love Him more? It takes His grace. In every single little thing we do for Him, it takes His grace. None of it was from my effort. I could choose to love Him more, but it still requires His grace.

So that's about it. I don't really know what it means to let go, I haven't decided what it meant for me. I'd like to post it as well, only that my definition is still very vague. I just know that life is a constant process of letting go. And life is also a constant process of choosing and seeking God above all else. I was reading Mark 12:30 for my transition in Kids Church (I was leading worship the next day, and I was only afraid that He wouldn't lead me). The greatest commandment in the Bible is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." And I asked myself: what kind of God would want everything from and of me? Isn't that a bit selfish? He actually answered me, and it made me cry so hard. He said, "The God who wants everything from you is also the God who gave everything for you. Doesn't He deserve your everything?"

This was the song we sang for Worship.

I used to say, "Thoughts are precious. :) They fade as quick as you've thought about them. If you are your thoughts at the moment, wouldn't you want to remember who you were to be able to see who you are now?" I wouldn't be proud of the thoughts I've written no matter how beautifully written they were, because they were not the truth. But I'm proud that I have written this very post because God has once again turned my life around.

An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!

Guns 'n' Roses

Believe me, crying at "Guns & Roses" ending was the least I expected. There's only one word for it: EPIC! Not only because I love Robin Padilla and his acting skills (and the way his eyes were as tearful as mine were), but also because the concept was classic. Though the latter part of it was kind of crazy, since I can't tell whether Abel Marasigan (Robin Padilla) really died and his appearance at the very end was just a figment of Rein's (Bea Alonzo) imagination, or he was just sick so he wasn't able to attend his child's christening and then got well sooner. Still, the part where Abel got shot several times, there are no words for it. :| (The fact that it seemed impossible for him to live should be my cue, but he was carrying the baby at the end!) My mind was blown away.

Internet Photo

There's just this statement that is still stuck on my head. It's not verbatim, though. As the happiest moments of Abel's life flashed before him, he asked, "Sa tingin mo ba, kaya pa nila akong tanggapin? Kaya pa kaya nila akong patawarin?" [Do you think they would still accept me (in heaven)? Can they forgive me?] Then Rein said, "Oo, tatanggapin ka nila. Papatawarin ka nila. Magmamakaawa ako sa Diyos para tanggapin ka N'ya." [Yes, they will accept you. They will forgive you. I will beg God to accept you.] 

A little background on Abel, he was used and trained by his uncle to be an assassin to protect his family and avenge his father, not knowing that his own uncle was the real enemy. He wanted to live a new life, but his past as a criminal haunted him.

As he said those statements, questions flooded my mind. What happens to people who has all the right intentions, but all the wrong circumstances? Would he go to heaven? If not, would God be mad at him so much? If he wanted to change and turn away from sin, why didn't God give him a happy ending? What about the people who have never heard or will never hear about Jesus? Isn't it unfair?

My heart was filled with compassion, and I imagined that God would have felt the same, only so much more intense. He accepts people for who they are, no matter how evil or sinful. He welcomes them into His arms, if only they also wanted to be with Him. His forgiveness is infinite, and He would never remember the mistakes we did before. A person like Abel would never really want to change, if it weren't for the grace God gives. Happy endings don't always happen in this life, but I am confident that He is never unfair. And as I was reading my Bible earlier, I found this:

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

   the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

Day after day they pour forth speech; 

   night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words; 

   no sound is heard from them. 

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, 

   their words to the ends of the world. 

Psalm 19:1-4a

It is only proof that God's message is for all, we see it in the skies and hear it in the wind. The universe and our body are amazingly complex and exact that who and where we are could never be an accident. He gives equal chances for all to hear His word, just in different ways we would never understand.

What made me sad about the last episode was that Abel wasn't sure if he was accepted and forgiven. He went to church and sought God, but it's as if He did not realize the weight of what Jesus did and he was not confident that after all the sin, shame, and guilt, God would never answer "No" to his questions earlier. Two thumbs up, because God's love and what He did on the cross surpasses any amount of love and sacrifice that any person could ever give.

Breaking My Fall

     There was never a time when I would have to choose, and then not fall in any of the direction that I've chosen. But still, everytime I fall, there's always this someone that breaks my fall. Someone who loves me, and would never let me go. I wonder if He ever gets tired of always having to rescue me. Maybe that's just how amazing His undeserved grace is.

     I was asked one time, "How could He be truth? How could He be love? How could you have faith when it's so illogical? Sometimes, I feel like I'm only believing in Him because it's the easy way out." I couldn't answer that question without having to question authority or religion. I could not answer that question because my wisdom is futile. I could not explain the wonders of the God I love. But all I know is that I could not deny Him, too. Screw all the feelings I've felt, or the changes I've made. No matter how I end up saying that His existence may be illogical or unexplainable, there's always this voice in my head that says He is truth. I would rather leave this life of being so wise and critical in the world of men, than let go of the knowledge that this God loves me so much, even when I did nothing for Him to love me. I'd rather be called foolish and illogical, than deny this love I have for that man who died on the cross for me.

     He has set me free. He is the God who became man just to know what it's like, the pain and the persecutions. He is the God who risked being hurt by creating man, just so He could love us. And that love never fails to break my fall. Wherever I go, that love knows what I'm going through, that love never fails to guide me. That love never fails, period.

     I want to live for You. I want to let the world know how beautiful You are. I want to worship You no matter what, until there's nothing left of me. I want my life to be Yours, because it's meant to be Yours, You deserve it.

 "I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?" -Breaking My Fall, Jeremy Camp

"I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true. And I fall in-love with the ones that run me through. When all along all I need is You." -Sing It Out, Switchfoot