Prom and the Great Unknown

DISCLAIMER: I know the intro sucks, but stick around. XD

Prom. People say it's one of the best things that will happen in your life. I am one of those girls who, at one point of their lives, existed for prom. That one point may just be for a few minutes. But I keep wondering why certain things seem convincing that it could change our lives.

I wish I could say I hoped my last dance would last forever, but I never even got to dance with my special someone that night. I smiled my way through, and no one knew it was one of the unhappiest moments of my life. I cried myself to sleep that day. Looking back, I can't even feel a tinge of pain that I had felt. I felt ugly, unwanted, and unloved, but not anymore. Maybe this is what healing feels like. It's surprising when you don't even care about the past. My 15-year-old self would never have bought the idea that what mattered to me then would not really matter to me now. Who would have known that after all those years of boy hunting and insecurity, there would actually be a time that I would genuinely not care about boys? Who would have thought that the confident girl who had so many friends in high school would actually be an introvert who finds it hard to build deep relationships with new people? And who would have foreseen that I'd be a total opposite of who I was before?


God totally saw that coming. In fact, I think He's the mastermind of whatever I'm going through right now. I'm beginning to think that the phrase "people change" is so underrated. People would usually see that in a person when a person's change affects them and it's so obvious. But what about what's happening inside of a person? Do we usually take the time to know what's really going on even when it's not affecting us? No one would have known I'm going through this season when I feel totally unsure of who I am. Now, I can say that God knows me better and really believe it. I still talk to my old friends the same way. I'm still the fun, jolly, assertive, and demanding Krishna. But when I'm around new people, I find it so hard to initiate a conversation, and I can't take small talk. It's like literally living two lives, and that's not new at all.

Before this time in my life, I would claim to be a Christian, go to church, and impart really wise stuff to my youth group, but my integrity was falling apart. What I do when no one's around is what matters. It is the time when it's just the two of us -- God and me -- and I would boldly disregard him and do something wrong. I realized that what I feel right now -- invisible, unwanted, and uninteresting -- might be exactly what God is feeling whenever I sin in secret. I can never know how desperately He wants to be with me, but I know that the intensity of it so great that it cost Him his son. Thankfully, my integrity is now founded on grace, and I don't have to try so hard with my own effort because I know God will come through. I think He wants me to learn something from this. First, relationships takes time and effort. Second, whenever I feel insecure, I just have to be firm in faith that God knows what I feel and I am who He says I am: loved, wanted, accepted, valuable, and a daughter of the most high God.

I am writing because my heart goes out to all the people who feel misunderstood and could not speak up, whether they are Christians or not. I am sure God does not want us to feel alone, cause He's always there. But the church is a family, and no one's supposed to feel that way when you're part of it -- not even me. I'm trying hard, but sometimes I just can't get through, so I thank all the people who took the time to reach out, sit with me, and sincerely listen to what I have to say. It's easy to overlook people who feel so lonely and frustrated because they can't fit in. A person could smile and say hi, and we wouldn't know what they're really feeling. We cannot assume that people do not want to open up, because they do at some point. Sometimes we just have to ask 'cause they're not really trying hard. It's easy to accept people when you don't see the baggage that they're hiding. And I believe there's a yearning in everyone to be able to hold their head up high and know that someone accepts them for who they are no matter what.

If you have only started to know me now, you wouldn't know that I was a selfish girl who always talked about myself. I thought people wanted to hear me out, and they actually listened. For all I know, they were forcing themselves to bear with me cause the things I was saying were not even worth it. Now I'm on the other side of things. I can't even say anything without fearing that I'd make the conversation awkward, or what I had to say is not interesting. So many people out there just want to be heard. So go hear them out, listen, and really care about them, not because you want them to do the same when it's your turn to talk, but just really having that passion to see what God is doing in that person's life, and knowing what they need. When it's all said and done, you might just have the right words to tell them. Maybe you would do that to a person you want to minister to, but you just never know. The most unlikely people might be the ones who need it the most.

Silly me. I'm talking to a blog. Until now, no one has known my prom was devastating. A few people know that I'm going through this right now, including you. But that's our little secret. Ross Frazier just walked out of the church door saying, "You'll make it. If it means anything, you'll make it." Funny, he doesn't even know I'm writing this. I know seasons come and go, but we never know how long it's going to last. God does give the right people in my life whom I can tell the whole truth about myself to, and I won't be feeling this in the future. But while I'm here, I'm making the most out of it. God has put me on the other side of the fence and I have a feeling that a lot of people are walking around feeling this way more that I have imagined.

Some attempts to stay healthy

Hey guys, I'm sorry I haven't updated you for a few days. Haha. This is just to warn you that I'm posting a very long one soon. God has been revealing to me something that I've asked from Him two years ago -- my major. But let's not dig into that. Check it out from time to time, I'm sure the principles will help you.

I've actually got insomnia, and I couldn't sleep at night so I have been busying myself by keeping you posted (you will notice that I usually post from 1 to 5 AM). But I want to get rid of that lifestyle because I'm really getting fatter, and my quiet time is compromised. Since it's sem-break season (for people who are studying; and I'm on a 1-year vacation), my best friends and I agreed to jog every morning at Fort Bonifacio.

Yes, it's this road. :) Click "Portfolio" on the Navigation sidebar to see more.

The jogging area is a super long road which is closed 'til 6 AM. I used to walk there with my friends even before the road was made. For high school friendships, long walks are the way to go. Jogging really stressed me out because I only get 5 hours of sleep a day, but it did help correct my body clock. That used-to-be deserted road inspired me to write a poem which I will be posting tomorrow.

Enjoy your weekend, everybody! :D I'm looking forward to your comments. Haha.

My beautiful friends. :D I love them so much. 

My jogging buddies include two girls from the photo and one guy who isn't in the photo.

Lessons learned from an emotional whirlwind

So now I've learned my lesson. As you can see, I just got attacked by a big emotional whirlwind which was caused by yours truly. It is my fault. And now I'm okay again, so it just comes and goes. Though I do feel a bit ashamed that a lot of people got to read my emo posts. Here's what I learned:

• Discernment. Learn to discern which things are good for you and which are not. If you know you struggle with lust, and those kind of things, then you better not watch movies with love scenes, or even the simple scenes that make your hormones go in a frenzy. As for me, I'm really carried away by the emotions that the characters/situations have. It's like I'm empathizing with them. Haha. Watching Bokura Ga Ita and seeing the 80% similarity of characters and situations in the anime to my own past relationship just made me dissatisfied with things already said and done. Its open endedness just made me want to wish for more.

• Distance. When you write, there must be a "readiness" from when the situation happened. It was wrong for me to write all my feelings all of a sudden when I clearly know that I can't trust my emotions, and that they come and go. When you're really angry, you might not want to write things because the anger might come back when you read it again, or you might insult other people while writing. When you're really sad, you might tend to exaggerate. Old writings don't bring back old feelings for me, but I'm just afraid that I might have endangered the feelings of readers who are experiencing the same thing.

• Self-control. Some people have a lot of self-control. One amazing thing I admire about my ex was that he had self-control. Me? Not so much. Some people know when to stop and can actually stop all of a sudden; some people can't. Sometimes, when you ask for God's grace to give you self-control, you don't say "no" when you're in the middle of doing something wrong. You don't let yourself be lured to the edges asking, "Should I do this, or should I not?" You say "no" just as the temptation presents itself to you. Then turn around and don't look back. Don't stay on the edges, because you won't always have the resolve to turn away, and those temptations will just be pushing you a few inches before you fall. Don't give the enemy that advantage.

• Forgiveness and Loving Yourself. When you love others, you forgive them, you don't remember their mistakes anymore. But before you love others, you must love yourself first. Forgive yourself and forget about the mistakes you did in the past. When you have Jesus in your heart, you're surely not the same person who did those mistakes long ago. And of course, what forgiveness could be greater than His forgiveness? When He forgives, you start on a clean slate, you're a new person. He has forgotten about all the wrong choices that you made. Don't live in the past. Don't desire the things of the past, because He's going to give you new and better things now. You don't live in shame and guilt. That's why He died, so that He could free you of your past, that you won't feel condemned anymore by the things you did. He died to let you know how valuable you are to Him, so love yourself as well.

• Grace. The realization of His grace happened at the height of my madness. I actually got to the point of comparing God to someone else. I realized that reminiscing the past and loving that person was a choice, and I knew that that choice was wrong. I felt as if I was betraying God because I was choosing this person over Him. I felt as if I loved this certain person more than I love Him. And I cried out because it wasn't fair to God. There's this statement in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" which says that God has chosen to love me. He has chosen to let His son die for me. Love is a choice. Believe it or not, I felt His embrace at that moment. I could never do or say anything to make Him love me more. But for me to love Him more? It takes His grace. In every single little thing we do for Him, it takes His grace. None of it was from my effort. I could choose to love Him more, but it still requires His grace.

So that's about it. I don't really know what it means to let go, I haven't decided what it meant for me. I'd like to post it as well, only that my definition is still very vague. I just know that life is a constant process of letting go. And life is also a constant process of choosing and seeking God above all else. I was reading Mark 12:30 for my transition in Kids Church (I was leading worship the next day, and I was only afraid that He wouldn't lead me). The greatest commandment in the Bible is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." And I asked myself: what kind of God would want everything from and of me? Isn't that a bit selfish? He actually answered me, and it made me cry so hard. He said, "The God who wants everything from you is also the God who gave everything for you. Doesn't He deserve your everything?"

This was the song we sang for Worship.

I used to say, "Thoughts are precious. :) They fade as quick as you've thought about them. If you are your thoughts at the moment, wouldn't you want to remember who you were to be able to see who you are now?" I wouldn't be proud of the thoughts I've written no matter how beautifully written they were, because they were not the truth. But I'm proud that I have written this very post because God has once again turned my life around.

Round Trip To Memory Lane

I had to ride round trip that night. It was Westlife's concert at the Araneta, and the crowd was so dense that I couldn't even get near the sliding doors of the train. In my far right, there was the women's section of the MRT, and it was so full that they had to line up beyond that section. It was the first time I've seen that happen. In front of me were adult men who pushed their way forward. Seconds after I stood behind them, they had to take a second look at me, a seventeen-year-old girl who probably looked years older and pretty with her mastery of "barely there" make-up and an almost plunging shirt.

I lied to the guards and told them I had to go to Taft, which was on the other side of where I should go. I think they had an idea that I was about to ride round trip, but what can they do? So they let me in and out without having to swipe my card again. When I got inside the train, a seat was immediately available after one stop. All I had to do was sit and wait 'til I get to Cubao, which, according to my estimation, would be thirty minutes after the start of the show.

People around me began to leave station after station until we reached Taft, the last station. Only two of us were left, I figured that the other person wouldn't mind waiting long than pushing her way into the train. If it wasn't for the aircon, I could have concluded that the MRT was the modern day version of those trains used in Hitler's concentration camps. The two of us sat there alone for less than a minute before people started rushing into the train which was now en route to Monumento.

Less than a minute was enough time for a quick flashback of when I was years younger. I saw myself, a grade school student, sleeping comfortably and tucked in my dad's wide arms. I woke up to see for the first time the sad, barely lighted highway towards Taft. I asked him where we were and he answered. I can't remember the details, but I believe I did something wrong that night, and we had to go somewhere to do something, so he went with me even though it was very late. Then another flashback came to mind, still in the MRT. I was twisting my body a little less than 90 degrees towards the window to contemplate and watch the moving scenery before me. My brother did the same, since either my mom or my dad wouldn't allow us to kneel on the seats. My dad was talking about something called "round trip" and I couldn't understand it at that time, no matter how he and my mom explained it to me.

Now I understand. I have grown up and I'm able to ride the MRT alone. But I would trade my age to be able to be wrapped in my father's arms again. Screw growing up, because now, he has to go abroad to be able to pay for this laptop I'm using to type this thing, and he wouldn't go home since he has to pay for my debut and college education. Screw growing up, because the last time he came home, I opened my arms for a hug, but he settled for a quick peck on the cheek because he was hesitant to embrace a teenage girl who now has boobs. Screw conformity, because we rarely say "I love you" and it gets harder to do sweet things each day. Will there be a day in the future when my parents would cuddle me like they did when I was a kid, and neither any of us would feel uneasy? Will I be able to nap on afternoons again as my father stretches both his arms, my mother laying her head on his right arm, while I and my brother lay our heads on the other one?

I honestly don't know. And I'm dead afraid to say no. I was close to tears on my way to Cubao, but I had to shut my eyes so tight and shoo off my thoughts. I would not cry all of a sudden in that train. People would think I'm crazy! After all, I am growing up, I knew better. Perhaps I'll continue this wishful thinking some other time, preferrably when I'm alone. At least last night it was good to be seventeen. The concert started just after I got in. I've been dying to see this since I was a kid.

What Is It, Really?

*Of how the break-up happened. I guess I just wrote it so as not to forget, because my relationship with him is not worth forgetting, good times and bad times alike. Also, I passed this for my Creative Writing 10 Character Sketch assignment, and I wrote this in class, the day of the deadline. I was forced to, 'cause it was the easiest thing to write about. Haha! It was vivid as it can be though it's one year after it all happened.

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I looked away from him, and stared at nothing in particular. I knew this wasn't going to be good when he told me we had to talk the next day, and left me alone without even saying goodbye. The moment was awkward, I don't even know if I was going to be happy or sad when he started to speak.

“I know you don't want to, but you have to let me go,” he said quietly. I stood there for a moment as I tried to digest the weight of that sentence. Could it be that easy? This time, I looked at him, at his eyes that usually softened when he sees me. There was nothing in there, or maybe a hint of painful indifference.

“Why?” I stammered. I had nothing to say except that, because it all came so suddenly.

“You wouldn't understand me if I told you.”

“Why do you always say that? You always think people won't understand you. I'm here. I may not know you as much as you know me, but I can understand you.”

“Let's just end this, okay?”

“No. What is it, really? Am I being so predictable now?”

“I just... I don't want you and your mom to fight anymore because of me. I don't want people judging me because of this relationship. It's getting wrong. We've isolated ourselves already. We're not growing.”

And then he walked away. Just like that. Starting that day, it was so easy for him to ignore me, to walk around the same halls as if I didn't exist, as if he hadn't heard of my name before. I knew life wouldn't stop just because we broke up, but self-pity got the best of me. I cried and made sure everyone knew I was depressed. While he went on with his life as if nothing happened, laughing and cracking up jokes more frequently. But I’ve seen his weary face when he comes home and have known his quietness when he’s with his family. Everyone thought he was happy and fine. Only both of us knew that he was not.

They judged him for breaking my heart. They judged him for all the wrong reasons I made them see. Weeks passed before he finally talked to me. Maybe because of the countless assumptions I've posted on my Facebook wall. My assumptions killed him. I couldn’t understand him so I generated my own conclusion as to why he suddenly broke up with me.

“I don't know if you're numb or just plain stupid.” he said. It was the first time I've ever received an insult from him.

“Excuse me?”

“I don't understand why there are weak people like you. Can't you just stop looking at the rear view mirror and fix your gaze straight ahead?”

“Now you're calling me weak. At least I'm not afraid of people judging me when I cry. At least I’m not pretending to have forgotten everything so quickly. At least I’m not locked up with the masculine norms you’re limiting yourself to.”

“You still don’t understand, do you?”

“What don’t I understand? Why don’t you just tell me?”

“You think you know everything. Now you’re hurt, you make assumptions and excuses just so you can say you know what I’m going through. Are you really insensitive? Can’t you see that your assumptions hurt me? Can’t you see how much it hurts when people judge me because of it? Can’t you trust that I can and I’m willing to wait for the right time? But now I’m hurt, and I don’t feel anything towards you but hatred.”

For the second time, I stood there beside him, speechless. I did digest everything he said immediately. I tried to find more excuses. He should’ve told me that long ago so I wouldn’t judge him, I thought to myself. I couldn’t understand how that transition happened. We had been so happy, and he had never shown pain. I tried saying sorry so many times, but I knew he thought I only wanted to bring him back.

I knew how his mind worked some times, but more often than not, I don’t. And I felt I had to run away. So I turned my back on him, because I knew my pride and his pride were holding us back. He never told me the real reasons; he kept me hanging and expected that I would understand in time. I never did, though. Maybe I really didn’t understand him after all, and maybe he was right to think that explanations are useless. We’ve only agreed to our faults; his fault was not providing me an explanation and mine was not trusting him.

But that was a long time ago, when I would rather have him hate me, than be apathetic towards me. I guess you could call us friends now. But I still couldn’t read him after everything we’ve been through. He remains a mystery. Even when we’re together, I’m not really sure if all the smile and laughter he’s showing is just another front he’s making.

Nostalgia: There's not a time like high school.

02/11/11 

     I'm writing again, so this must not be good. I'm letting my emo-ness swallow me up again as I listen to my Tiger Playlist after a year or so. Look at that, that's the length of time it took me to recover. But after all, as I always say in my SC10 class, not remembering is for bitter people, and I'm not one of them now, haha. Even when it's so effed up, drastic, ugly, painful and all that, high school is still the best and the most beautiful thing that God allowed to happen in my life. How ironic.

     While I'm admittedly happy dwelling in the streets of Session Road every night with Lifebox people, I still can't help feeling lonely in those few times when I sit alone in the canteen wondering where my blockmates are. Or walking down the catwalk of UP Baguio by myself while it's raining (yeesh, very dramatic), or sitting by a tree while the Christmas lights lit up the whole Oblation Grounds and I ponder why Oble has such a huge butt. And yes, I did that alone.

     I do have some friends now. Those who don’t want me to transfer to Diliman, those whom I know would be in the list of my friends-forever category. And yet, I still miss those forty-six who might not be remembering me now. I miss cramming up assignments, balita't pagsasanay, and projects with those people who knew me so much, who trusted and loved me. 

     Anyway, you have to pardon my perspective. It's the typical sentimental past-oriented emo thing that has made me the unique self that I am. After all those nights spent crying silently as my roommates snored, and pitying myself as I exaggerated the homesickness I felt for my family and friends, I'm still here saying that there's not a time such as high school. As if not a tear fell from my eyes, I still feel the same. I still feel as if my life is not as complete as it was for the last four years.

     So to cut it short (and prevent nose bleeding), this is a simple message for you.

     I LOVE YOU AND HAPPY VALENTINES, IV-RIZAL.

You're my sunshine after the rain. You're the cure against fear and my pain. 'Cause I'm losing my mind when you're not around. It's all, it's all, it's all because of you.

I still can feel, and it's so unreal... It's just the place in the sun where our love's begun. I miss you, yeah, I miss you IV-RIZAL. <3

     Tamang tama, lalabas 'to sa Valentines. =))

Certain conversations with the mind of that girl

I'm that girl. And I saw him last night.

• "I knew it was him. Ex-girlfriend instinct. And I know he knew it was me."


• "I'll always know who you are. Even in the dark. Even when your shadows and your silhouettes are all I see."


• "Hello, if you were in my position, if I greet him, that means admitting I was there. And what does that say about an ex-girlfriend wandering around the vicinities of his house?"


• "I know he knows it was me. But I know he's doubting, too. Knowing him, he'd probably be irritated. Maybe because I remind him of me. Or he'd think I still haven't moved on."


• "I miss him like the way I usually do. And it hurts to know that the things you want to happen are just plain impossible. But then again, maybe it's for the best."


• "Haha, not the case. I wasn't there because of him. Because really, the whole time, I wasn't thinking of running into him, because I rarely do. Who'd have thought he'd be biking late that night?"


• "So what did I feel? I don't know. Or at least I don't want to know."


• "Yeah. Just got my hopes up that maybe he would follow me or greet me. Grr, the truth slammed on my face. Again."


• "Define *spark*? And how will I know if there was one if I felt a 'major major' mixture of feelings that night? So bad. I think I'm more confused that he is."

You've let go and you've moved on. It's time to GET OVER him. Please.

This is why I love him. And this is why we’re damned.

DISCLAIMER: An excerpt from the book “Fallen” by Lauren Kate.

He turned to her. He looked so defeated, his costume uniform all bunched up, his gray eyes drooping. The roar of the waves almost overpowered his voice.

“I just need some time to think.”

Luce felt a lump rising in her throat all over again. She’d finally stopped crying, but Daniel was making this all so hard. “Why rescue me, then? Why come all the way out here to pick me up then yell at me, then ignore me?” She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black T-shirt, and the sea salt on her fingers made them sting. “Not that that’s very different from the way you treat me most of the time, but – "

Daniel spun around and smacked both his hands to his forehead. “You don’t get it, Luce.” He shook his head. “That’s the thing – you never do.”

There was nothing mean about his voice. In fact, it was almost too nice, like she was too dim to grasp whatever was obvious to him. Which made her absolutely furious.

“I don’t get it?” she asked. “I don’t get it? Let me tell you something about what I get. You think you’re so smart? I spent three years on a full academic scholarship at the best college-prep school in the country. And when they kicked me out, I had to petition – petition! – to keep them from wiping out my four-point-oh transcript.”

Daniel moved away, but Luce pursued him, taking a step forward for every wide-eyed step he took back. Probably freaking him out, but so what? He’d been asking for it every time he condescended her.

“I know Latin and French, and in middle school, I won the science fair three years in a row.”

She had backed him up against a railing of the boardwalk and was trying to restrain herself from poking him in the chest with her finger. She wasn’t finished. “I also do the Sunday crossword puzzle, sometimes in under an hour. I have an unerringly good sense of direction… though not always when it comes to guys.”

She swallowed and took in a moment to catch her breath.

“And someday, I’m going to be a psychiatrist who actually listens to her patients and helps people. Okay? So don’t keep talking to me like I’m stupid and don’t tell me I don’t understand just because I can’t decode your erratic, flaky, hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, frankly” – she looked up at him, letting out her breath – “really, hurtful behavior.” She brushed a tear away, angry with herself for getting so worked up.

“Shut up,” Daniel said, but he said it softly and so tenderly that Luce surprised both of them by obeying.

“I don’t think you’re stupid.” He closed his eyes. “I think you’re the smartest person I know. And the kindest. And” – he swallowed, opening his eyes to look directly at her – “the most beautiful.”

“Excuse me?”

He looked out at the ocean. “I’m just… so tired of this,” he said. He did sound exhausted.

“Of what?”

He looked over at her, with the saddest expression on his face, as if he had lost something precious. This was the Daniel she knew, though she couldn’t explain how or from where. This was the Daniel she… loved.

“You can show me,” she whispered.

He shook his head. But his lips were still so close to hers. And the look in his eyes was so alluring. It was almost as if he wanted her to how him first.

Her body quaked with nerves as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned toward him. She put her hand on his cheek and he blinked, but he didn’t move. She moved slowly, so slowly, as if she were scared to startle him, every second feeling petrified herself. And then, when they were close enough that her eyes were almost crossing, she closed them and pressed her lips against his.

The softest, feather light touch of their lips was all that connected them, but a fire Luce had never felt before coursed through her, and she knew she needed more of – all of – Daniel. It would be too much to ask him to need her the same way, to fold her in his arms like he’d done so many times in her dreams, to return her wishful kiss with one more powerful.

But he did.

Bridal Showers make me giddy.

Ate Len Accad and Kuya Jeng Aguinaldo II

“The man must be a leader. Because whether you like it or not, in marriage, the man should lead the woman. If he can’t lead himself, where and how much more can he lead you?” ~Len Accad

This was part of the advice I got from Ate Len as she tried to console me last time. Along with that, she also informed me that she is getting married to Kuya Jeng. I don't know, I always had the feeling that they were meant for each other the first time I saw their picture together when I was flipping through Kuya Jeng's Starbucks Planner. Ate Len has a strong personality, and Kuya Jeng is a leader.

As I watched the Bridal Shower earlier, I still couldn't believe that they would be husband and wife in nine days. Ate Len still looks like eighteen while Kuya Jeng looks like twenty-two. They met in UP Baguio, as they were both officers of Every Nation Campus Ministry (now called Lifebox). Ate Len recalled that they were really getting to know each other and enjoying themselves without the intention of looking for a partner in life.

There's just one line that they both kept on saying. Learn to wait on God. He works mysteriously and when you least expect it. And it makes a big difference to be able to offer your heart to only one person – God’s will. Plus, he/she would be the one perfect person to help you grow as you walk with God.

Seeing how they smiled, laughed and blushed earlier, and considering how much they know about each other, it's good to know that God's will is always the best and will last forever.

It kind of saddened me to know that Ate Len would be resigning from Lifebox. To which Kuya Jeng replied, "No, she'd still be here. Even if she resigns, it won't really stop her. This is her passion." See how much it does to wait on God?

A line from my favorite wedding vow:

"I promise to constantly pursue you, and make you feel loved and
wanted because you're worth it." ~ Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio (wedding vow to
Rica Carla Paralejo)