Lessons learned from an emotional whirlwind

So now I've learned my lesson. As you can see, I just got attacked by a big emotional whirlwind which was caused by yours truly. It is my fault. And now I'm okay again, so it just comes and goes. Though I do feel a bit ashamed that a lot of people got to read my emo posts. Here's what I learned:

• Discernment. Learn to discern which things are good for you and which are not. If you know you struggle with lust, and those kind of things, then you better not watch movies with love scenes, or even the simple scenes that make your hormones go in a frenzy. As for me, I'm really carried away by the emotions that the characters/situations have. It's like I'm empathizing with them. Haha. Watching Bokura Ga Ita and seeing the 80% similarity of characters and situations in the anime to my own past relationship just made me dissatisfied with things already said and done. Its open endedness just made me want to wish for more.

• Distance. When you write, there must be a "readiness" from when the situation happened. It was wrong for me to write all my feelings all of a sudden when I clearly know that I can't trust my emotions, and that they come and go. When you're really angry, you might not want to write things because the anger might come back when you read it again, or you might insult other people while writing. When you're really sad, you might tend to exaggerate. Old writings don't bring back old feelings for me, but I'm just afraid that I might have endangered the feelings of readers who are experiencing the same thing.

• Self-control. Some people have a lot of self-control. One amazing thing I admire about my ex was that he had self-control. Me? Not so much. Some people know when to stop and can actually stop all of a sudden; some people can't. Sometimes, when you ask for God's grace to give you self-control, you don't say "no" when you're in the middle of doing something wrong. You don't let yourself be lured to the edges asking, "Should I do this, or should I not?" You say "no" just as the temptation presents itself to you. Then turn around and don't look back. Don't stay on the edges, because you won't always have the resolve to turn away, and those temptations will just be pushing you a few inches before you fall. Don't give the enemy that advantage.

• Forgiveness and Loving Yourself. When you love others, you forgive them, you don't remember their mistakes anymore. But before you love others, you must love yourself first. Forgive yourself and forget about the mistakes you did in the past. When you have Jesus in your heart, you're surely not the same person who did those mistakes long ago. And of course, what forgiveness could be greater than His forgiveness? When He forgives, you start on a clean slate, you're a new person. He has forgotten about all the wrong choices that you made. Don't live in the past. Don't desire the things of the past, because He's going to give you new and better things now. You don't live in shame and guilt. That's why He died, so that He could free you of your past, that you won't feel condemned anymore by the things you did. He died to let you know how valuable you are to Him, so love yourself as well.

• Grace. The realization of His grace happened at the height of my madness. I actually got to the point of comparing God to someone else. I realized that reminiscing the past and loving that person was a choice, and I knew that that choice was wrong. I felt as if I was betraying God because I was choosing this person over Him. I felt as if I loved this certain person more than I love Him. And I cried out because it wasn't fair to God. There's this statement in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" which says that God has chosen to love me. He has chosen to let His son die for me. Love is a choice. Believe it or not, I felt His embrace at that moment. I could never do or say anything to make Him love me more. But for me to love Him more? It takes His grace. In every single little thing we do for Him, it takes His grace. None of it was from my effort. I could choose to love Him more, but it still requires His grace.

So that's about it. I don't really know what it means to let go, I haven't decided what it meant for me. I'd like to post it as well, only that my definition is still very vague. I just know that life is a constant process of letting go. And life is also a constant process of choosing and seeking God above all else. I was reading Mark 12:30 for my transition in Kids Church (I was leading worship the next day, and I was only afraid that He wouldn't lead me). The greatest commandment in the Bible is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." And I asked myself: what kind of God would want everything from and of me? Isn't that a bit selfish? He actually answered me, and it made me cry so hard. He said, "The God who wants everything from you is also the God who gave everything for you. Doesn't He deserve your everything?"

This was the song we sang for Worship.

I used to say, "Thoughts are precious. :) They fade as quick as you've thought about them. If you are your thoughts at the moment, wouldn't you want to remember who you were to be able to see who you are now?" I wouldn't be proud of the thoughts I've written no matter how beautifully written they were, because they were not the truth. But I'm proud that I have written this very post because God has once again turned my life around.

An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!

Illusions

 Photo from Meow2299 at deviantart.

There was this illusion that maybe it was just the same as Bokura Ga Ita, with an open ending. But I was obviously fooling myself. I wanted to fall in-love again. I wanted to feel my heart beating faster when you're near. I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to look in your eyes and not see hatred or indifference anymore. But I chose to know and be immersed in the truth that I'm not yet ready. When the time comes and I'm finally ready, I fear that it won't be your eyes that I would be staring at. But maybe then, I would truly be happy.

The memories are slowly fading. I no longer remember them even when you're around. I am fine without them. But I would like to hold on, because those were the happiest moments of my life.

Right in the Middle

Got this amazing artwork from Jess Chadlys

At Facebook

Her: Can I tell you something about Antone? Wanna know something about him?

Me: My heart jumps when I hear his name, I'm not ready, my sweet lady.

Her: You serious? But I just wanna tell you, though. I'm saying it.

Me:  If it will cause me to think about him for the next 72 hours, please not. Um, for the next 1 week pala! Hahaha.

Her: HE'S IN THE TOWN. I SAW HIM AT SCHOOL TWICE. SO YEAH. I THINK HE'LL STAY HERE FOR A WHILE. I dont know if this is a big issue. But i just wanna tell you.

Me: Oh. :)) not a big issue. =)) Hahaha. I know better, since last last month. And I already stopped following his tracks.

Her: See? Hahaha. I just really wanna tell you. We're all tryna forget. Hahaha you, me and pat. Hahahaha what the hell.

Me: The next time, 'wag na! Haha. Forgetting is a decision to not nurture your emotions, feelings, and interest. I'm not yet ready to hear something new about him, and I guess I'll never be.

Her: Haha but it's tempting. Oh well. Ya know, when you get a good news, you wanna share it :)))

Me: :)) one piece of good news is one sleepless night. And I don't really know if anything is good or not when it comes to him. I've lost my rational thought. :)) I'm not apathetic, my heart jumps, but the feeling is something that stays right in the middle, and undefinable.

Mood Swings and PMS :)

Mood Swing (noun)

-Alternation of a person's emotional state between periods of euphoria and depression.

This might be PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome). It must be. I've been feeling a bit wasted and empty at the end of the day for the past week. And suddenly, after singing to myself a rather shaky version of 98 Degrees' "Because of You", I felt like crying. Now I feel like crap.

For a few minutes (and I mean very few), I remembered my only ex-boyfriend. I missed him. But I can't say that I haven't moved on, I know this isn't entirely about him, because after a while I already felt okay. I guess it's normal to have regrets and miss your ex-whatever occasionally, here and there. I guess a memory of a happy moment can either make you feel happy or sad, or maybe both. I guess sometimes we just savor the memories we try so hard to hold on to, and then drop it all of a sudden, because there are just things that are never going to happen anymore. And though we're just dying to see those things come to life, we know that letting them be is the best thing to do.

One Day at a Time

by Krishna Lou T. Ayungao

10-10917; BA Communication

*FICTION. Italic characters pertain to Euna's final thoughts and past.

"And I die, one day at a time, 'cause I just can't seem to get you off my mind. No matter how I try, try to kill the time. I think that I'm just going crazy, one day at a time." ~Jonas Brothers

June 8, 2009

The wind was upon my face. And I felt like I was floating in air. And white light. It seemed like a long time that I was in that state. I barely recalled what happened only minutes ago. Ouch! What the heck? What was that? Oh okay, now I’m sane. What the hell just happened? I think I landed in the middle of four connected buildings. I looked down only to see that I was wearing a blouse with a sailor collar and a very long skirt. I’ve seen this uniform somewhere. I touched my face and felt pimples creating bumps on my skin. Teenage life. Suddenly, it came back to me. I am wearing my high school uniform. And I am in my former school. Why? Because I had wished to come back here. I felt a pinch on my heart. I wanted to come back here. Okay, that’s it! I didn’t come all the way to Bermuda Triangle to be brought to my past.

I noticed I was wearing my maroon ID lace. I knew right then that I was back to my senior year. I had the feeling that my four years in high school was vague. I hardly remember those three years I knew were fun. High school was summarized by my senior year. Painful and torturing. Do I really have to go through all this again?

“Eunaaaaa! I miss you! So much! I’m just so excited. We’re already in fourth year. Can you believe that? And what have you been up to? I rarely saw you this summer. And what the? Why are you sitting there? Where are your things?” a familiar voice said. For a second, it made me smile to hear that voice. It was Luna, with Katrice. Two of my few high school best friends. It was just like before. Exactly like before.

But I was just too shocked to reply. So now it wasn’t like before. Because my memories told me that I hugged them in excitement. This was the year I’ve been waiting for. I was surprised that my crush since sophomore year was in our class. Not to brag, but some considered us an elite section, the cream section. Of course it was all stereotype, we’re just like the other kids.

We proceeded to line up in front of our classroom. My world stopped when I saw him. He was sitting quietly bearing the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But I knew he wouldn’t be quiet. I knew a hundred things about him even when at that time and place, I wasn’t supposed to know anything. My mind raced to all the times we were together. Flashbacks of memories and sweetness, of hurt and impossibility. I had my back on him, but I knew – like before – that he was looking at me every minute he had that day.

Is it right to look in your eyes and hope that somehow you would remember me? Is it right to let you go through this again? I don’t know. Since I’ve seen those eyes, I never knew what was right anymore.

July 10, 2009

I woke up and it was already July 10. Okaaay, my time frame is so freaking me out. I mean, how in the world do you sleep on June 8 and wake up on July 10 in just ten hours? Well, of course I went to school. I really can’t bear to disappoint my mom, I know she wouldn’t believe me when I say that I’ve already been through high school and I’m supposed to be 28 years old right now.

The day went on normally. Janine came up to ask me about how I’m coping with Justin. It had been two months since he had his first girlfriend; it kind of hurt my pride that time. I swore I wouldn’t believe in guys anymore. I said I was okay, because I was, and I had to think for three minutes to figure out what happened between me and Justin. That couldn’t be strange enough considering what’s happening to me right now. Today, my teacher in Filipino asked us to write about something painful, I refused to write and cry for my grandmother who died only months ago from the time that I'm in. I refused to sit in front of him like I did thirteen years ago. I wanted to write about him, about us. But it wouldn’t be right. Because now I know why I was brought here. I ‘m here to undo the things that would hurt us both in the future.

If I went on with my life without you, would I forget about you? Would I be happier? Would some other guy be able to hurt me like you did? A part of me would never be happy, knowing that being loved by you would be worth more than anything else. A part of me would always be happy, because I had the chance to be with you again, and now I choose not to hurt you.

July 26, 2009

Mrs. Valdez informed me that I would be joining a certain pageant with Daniel. It wasn't like me to say that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't have turned down the offer. But then again, I said no.

I would give up anything to go back to that time when you looked at me like I was the only girl who existed. Like I would be the one for you. I'd give up anything to hear you say again how beautiful I was that day. But not when I know it would hurt you.

August 8,2009

It feels good to relive the past. I really missed talking to my best friends about the school paper and anything under the sun. Being associate editor is not all fun, I just loved writing. This day used to be weird for me, well, thirteen years ago. I can’t provide any scientific explanation why I’m so interested in love, pardon me, this is just the way I am. Boys in the classroom sprang up with questions like, “What if Daniel courted you? What would you do?” or “Does he have a chance on you?” I used to say that I didn’t know and I was too scared to try. To which they would reply, “How will you know if you won’t try?”

But today, I said, "No, he doesn't have any chance on me. I haven't moved on yet."

Yes, I haven't moved on. I haven't moved on from the way you looked at me, the way you touched my face. The way you cared for me. I haven't moved on from loving you. I haven't moved on from everything about you. Because everything I do just brings me back to you.

August 20, 2009

Today was his 15th birthday. I'll always be 6 months older than he is. And he really didn't start courting me back then until he turned the same age I was. But no, he won't be able to court me again.

He invited everyone to his birthday. People texted me to come. They said he suddenly frowned when he learned that I wouldn't be able to go. I knew he would be sad. I knew I would do anything to come and make him smile, but I pretended to be sick instead.

But I was there. I watched as the sun came down at the Grand Stand, just in front of the street he lived in. I sneaked in when he was gone. Just like I did on his first 15th birthday, when he suddenly turned around and saw me. He smiled like there was nothing that could make him happier that day. It's just that, he didn't see me today. He shouldn't.

How long will I have to keep watching you from afar? How long will I have to hold on to our memories? Even if you've hurt me a thousand times, it really won't stop me from following your eyes.

August 22, 2009

Can you believe this? I'm going through Trigonometry again! This is hell. And I hate assignments. I hate working at home. My cell phone suddenly beeped to alert me of a text message. Oh nice, just when I'm forgetting that I even had a cell phone. Daniel texted. He asked how I was. I wanted to push the reply button so bad, but I didn't.

You walked with me to the mall that day. Even when I looked like I had measles. The punch you made me drink the other night gave me allergies. Still, you took care of me like I was fragile, fearing that I was going to break. You introduced me to your parents that day. I never thought I was that special to you.

We walked at the Grand Stand as the sun was setting. I knew you were going to tell me about how you felt. But it rained. You gestured to take my hand and I put it on yours. To tell you that I'm trusting you, with all my life. The next thing I knew, we were running for shelter.

August 24, 2009

Going through high school again is so creepy. It's just that I get to be better at Math and Physics this time. When I entered the classroom, my journalism adviser asked me to go to Makati Science High School to get her book. She wanted me to come with Luna. Man, I remember having a hard time trying to find that Mr. Escote. But anyway, it's better than being idle.

We were walking across the corridor when Daniel appeared. I wonder why he's still interested in me when I'm being evident about not liking him.

"Euna, uhm, I just thought that maybe you could come with me to Makati High School? I don't know where that is. And they said you were going there, too," he said. I didn't know news could spread that fast. "Well, I'm already going with Luna. You can ask someone else." I walked straight ahead like I didn't see him.

At first, I was reluctant to come with you. But you insisted and said, "Don't worry, I won't leave you there all by yourself. I can't do that." So I went with you. You laid my head on your shoulder and you held my hand. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. Even when it felt like it wasn't right, I couldn't take my hand away.

I said "Yes". I didn't know why. I just knew you were the one I was looking for.

***

It's just an experiment :) I know it's not that good.

Certain conversations with the mind of that girl

I'm that girl. And I saw him last night.

• "I knew it was him. Ex-girlfriend instinct. And I know he knew it was me."


• "I'll always know who you are. Even in the dark. Even when your shadows and your silhouettes are all I see."


• "Hello, if you were in my position, if I greet him, that means admitting I was there. And what does that say about an ex-girlfriend wandering around the vicinities of his house?"


• "I know he knows it was me. But I know he's doubting, too. Knowing him, he'd probably be irritated. Maybe because I remind him of me. Or he'd think I still haven't moved on."


• "I miss him like the way I usually do. And it hurts to know that the things you want to happen are just plain impossible. But then again, maybe it's for the best."


• "Haha, not the case. I wasn't there because of him. Because really, the whole time, I wasn't thinking of running into him, because I rarely do. Who'd have thought he'd be biking late that night?"


• "So what did I feel? I don't know. Or at least I don't want to know."


• "Yeah. Just got my hopes up that maybe he would follow me or greet me. Grr, the truth slammed on my face. Again."


• "Define *spark*? And how will I know if there was one if I felt a 'major major' mixture of feelings that night? So bad. I think I'm more confused that he is."

You've let go and you've moved on. It's time to GET OVER him. Please.

This is why I love him. And this is why we’re damned.

DISCLAIMER: An excerpt from the book “Fallen” by Lauren Kate.

He turned to her. He looked so defeated, his costume uniform all bunched up, his gray eyes drooping. The roar of the waves almost overpowered his voice.

“I just need some time to think.”

Luce felt a lump rising in her throat all over again. She’d finally stopped crying, but Daniel was making this all so hard. “Why rescue me, then? Why come all the way out here to pick me up then yell at me, then ignore me?” She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black T-shirt, and the sea salt on her fingers made them sting. “Not that that’s very different from the way you treat me most of the time, but – "

Daniel spun around and smacked both his hands to his forehead. “You don’t get it, Luce.” He shook his head. “That’s the thing – you never do.”

There was nothing mean about his voice. In fact, it was almost too nice, like she was too dim to grasp whatever was obvious to him. Which made her absolutely furious.

“I don’t get it?” she asked. “I don’t get it? Let me tell you something about what I get. You think you’re so smart? I spent three years on a full academic scholarship at the best college-prep school in the country. And when they kicked me out, I had to petition – petition! – to keep them from wiping out my four-point-oh transcript.”

Daniel moved away, but Luce pursued him, taking a step forward for every wide-eyed step he took back. Probably freaking him out, but so what? He’d been asking for it every time he condescended her.

“I know Latin and French, and in middle school, I won the science fair three years in a row.”

She had backed him up against a railing of the boardwalk and was trying to restrain herself from poking him in the chest with her finger. She wasn’t finished. “I also do the Sunday crossword puzzle, sometimes in under an hour. I have an unerringly good sense of direction… though not always when it comes to guys.”

She swallowed and took in a moment to catch her breath.

“And someday, I’m going to be a psychiatrist who actually listens to her patients and helps people. Okay? So don’t keep talking to me like I’m stupid and don’t tell me I don’t understand just because I can’t decode your erratic, flaky, hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, frankly” – she looked up at him, letting out her breath – “really, hurtful behavior.” She brushed a tear away, angry with herself for getting so worked up.

“Shut up,” Daniel said, but he said it softly and so tenderly that Luce surprised both of them by obeying.

“I don’t think you’re stupid.” He closed his eyes. “I think you’re the smartest person I know. And the kindest. And” – he swallowed, opening his eyes to look directly at her – “the most beautiful.”

“Excuse me?”

He looked out at the ocean. “I’m just… so tired of this,” he said. He did sound exhausted.

“Of what?”

He looked over at her, with the saddest expression on his face, as if he had lost something precious. This was the Daniel she knew, though she couldn’t explain how or from where. This was the Daniel she… loved.

“You can show me,” she whispered.

He shook his head. But his lips were still so close to hers. And the look in his eyes was so alluring. It was almost as if he wanted her to how him first.

Her body quaked with nerves as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned toward him. She put her hand on his cheek and he blinked, but he didn’t move. She moved slowly, so slowly, as if she were scared to startle him, every second feeling petrified herself. And then, when they were close enough that her eyes were almost crossing, she closed them and pressed her lips against his.

The softest, feather light touch of their lips was all that connected them, but a fire Luce had never felt before coursed through her, and she knew she needed more of – all of – Daniel. It would be too much to ask him to need her the same way, to fold her in his arms like he’d done so many times in her dreams, to return her wishful kiss with one more powerful.

But he did.

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.

Oh, did you notice? There was a scar left behind.

Looking back at my old self, how I used to talk and how I used to care about things, I figured out that maybe I don't know myself these days. It's me learning to adapt, but it doesn't seem like the real me. I'm getting better yet I don't feel like it.

It's funny how one person can change how you look at things in life, how he change the things that matter, and how he can force you to change the way you act. Sometimes, you may not like it, and you may not be able to free yourself from your thoughts; but then you'll find out in the end that it was the best thing to do. Or is it? Is it really? Months of shutting up and keeping things to myself are now bugging the hell out of me. It's like whenever I see that person, I just want to burst and say every single feeling that I had. Before, I wanted to, but I shouldn't. Now, I still want to, but I can't.

Some things are better left unsaid.

Even if it's true and even if it's all you really need to say to get it over with.

Because even if it's true, but then it's something bad you should forget, and if saying so will just hurt other people and scar your relationships, it's not worth saying it. No questions asked, I shut up.

My mind tells me to shout all these things to you, yet my heart says I should hold still. Then hold still, I will. I love you. :)

Kismet Dance

I danced with kismet tonight.
I drew your name on the line.
It makes me sad to see you leaving.
With a sullen look upon your face.
It doesn't matter anyhow.
You opened a door that led to darkness.
Kismet pulled me closer to itself.
It must have known I'd go after you.
For a split second, you moved then disappeared.
But kismet took hold of me.
Saying I must continue the dance.
So long as the music is playing.