Writing 'bout my sweeter song

Waiting.

I once told someone, "Are you ridiculous? What, you're gonna have 10 girlfriends while waiting for me? I'd rather have you not wait for me at all."

And then it hit me. I deserve that. I now hate being single. And I hate myself for entering a relationship when I could have waited. It just made me crave and miss having someone to love and care for me. As if God's love couldn't complete me. It even shattered the heart I've invested on that person, along with the feelings, the time, and all the things I've sacrificed, even a bit of my purity.

I’m even regretting getting over my ex. Because when I wasn’t over him yet, I was waiting for him. I was waiting for a person I know, and I have memories to hold on to. But when I got over him, I still know I was waiting for someone. But he's someone I don’t know, with no visions or memories to encourage me. Just the plain thought that when he comes, it will all be good, pleasing, and perfect – God’s will. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

It's valentines season, and I know that it would come and pass, but I'd still be tempted more and more each day into a relationship with a person who does not deserve me. I'm starting to settle for less, as if my Father won't give me the best. I'm starting to doubt my uniqueness and beauty. I'm getting impatient and impulsive. These are the times when the going gets tough.

I've seen almost everyone around me get hurt by these immature relationships. I've seen them seek fulfillment and completion for that emptiness inside of them, thinking that a relationship could fill that deep hole within them. But here's the thing. Not just some other person could fill that void. In fact, no one can, no matter how perfect the relationship is. Only God can. What's even more, we don't have to do anything for Him to love us. He already does.

This is the part where I feel like giving up the fight, or compromising my standards. But I think that we should all be reminded of this. If God sent His son to die for you and me, wouldn't He also give us the best man or woman there is for us? We just have to wait and maximize that time of singlehood so we can serve God better. It's hard, because it's an endless struggle for me, before the right person comes. But I know God's grace will guide me. Even when all that's in my mind is flirting with that guy I like, or the intimate moments I've had with my ex-boyfriend.

I could choose to act on it or not. But years from now, when I finally meet that person God has set apart for me, what would my actions say about me? What would it say about what kind of woman I am? As I wait for that person, I pray that God would make me more patient and faithful, and would give me that firmness to guard my heart. I'm letting Him write my love story. I’m going to wait for that sweeter song.

Bridal Showers make me giddy.

Ate Len Accad and Kuya Jeng Aguinaldo II

“The man must be a leader. Because whether you like it or not, in marriage, the man should lead the woman. If he can’t lead himself, where and how much more can he lead you?” ~Len Accad

This was part of the advice I got from Ate Len as she tried to console me last time. Along with that, she also informed me that she is getting married to Kuya Jeng. I don't know, I always had the feeling that they were meant for each other the first time I saw their picture together when I was flipping through Kuya Jeng's Starbucks Planner. Ate Len has a strong personality, and Kuya Jeng is a leader.

As I watched the Bridal Shower earlier, I still couldn't believe that they would be husband and wife in nine days. Ate Len still looks like eighteen while Kuya Jeng looks like twenty-two. They met in UP Baguio, as they were both officers of Every Nation Campus Ministry (now called Lifebox). Ate Len recalled that they were really getting to know each other and enjoying themselves without the intention of looking for a partner in life.

There's just one line that they both kept on saying. Learn to wait on God. He works mysteriously and when you least expect it. And it makes a big difference to be able to offer your heart to only one person – God’s will. Plus, he/she would be the one perfect person to help you grow as you walk with God.

Seeing how they smiled, laughed and blushed earlier, and considering how much they know about each other, it's good to know that God's will is always the best and will last forever.

It kind of saddened me to know that Ate Len would be resigning from Lifebox. To which Kuya Jeng replied, "No, she'd still be here. Even if she resigns, it won't really stop her. This is her passion." See how much it does to wait on God?

A line from my favorite wedding vow:

"I promise to constantly pursue you, and make you feel loved and
wanted because you're worth it." ~ Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio (wedding vow to
Rica Carla Paralejo)

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.