Writing 'bout my sweeter song

Waiting.

I once told someone, "Are you ridiculous? What, you're gonna have 10 girlfriends while waiting for me? I'd rather have you not wait for me at all."

And then it hit me. I deserve that. I now hate being single. And I hate myself for entering a relationship when I could have waited. It just made me crave and miss having someone to love and care for me. As if God's love couldn't complete me. It even shattered the heart I've invested on that person, along with the feelings, the time, and all the things I've sacrificed, even a bit of my purity.

I’m even regretting getting over my ex. Because when I wasn’t over him yet, I was waiting for him. I was waiting for a person I know, and I have memories to hold on to. But when I got over him, I still know I was waiting for someone. But he's someone I don’t know, with no visions or memories to encourage me. Just the plain thought that when he comes, it will all be good, pleasing, and perfect – God’s will. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

It's valentines season, and I know that it would come and pass, but I'd still be tempted more and more each day into a relationship with a person who does not deserve me. I'm starting to settle for less, as if my Father won't give me the best. I'm starting to doubt my uniqueness and beauty. I'm getting impatient and impulsive. These are the times when the going gets tough.

I've seen almost everyone around me get hurt by these immature relationships. I've seen them seek fulfillment and completion for that emptiness inside of them, thinking that a relationship could fill that deep hole within them. But here's the thing. Not just some other person could fill that void. In fact, no one can, no matter how perfect the relationship is. Only God can. What's even more, we don't have to do anything for Him to love us. He already does.

This is the part where I feel like giving up the fight, or compromising my standards. But I think that we should all be reminded of this. If God sent His son to die for you and me, wouldn't He also give us the best man or woman there is for us? We just have to wait and maximize that time of singlehood so we can serve God better. It's hard, because it's an endless struggle for me, before the right person comes. But I know God's grace will guide me. Even when all that's in my mind is flirting with that guy I like, or the intimate moments I've had with my ex-boyfriend.

I could choose to act on it or not. But years from now, when I finally meet that person God has set apart for me, what would my actions say about me? What would it say about what kind of woman I am? As I wait for that person, I pray that God would make me more patient and faithful, and would give me that firmness to guard my heart. I'm letting Him write my love story. I’m going to wait for that sweeter song.