Fasting Day #1

Who am I?

No, I am not star material. I am not popular actress material. I'm not just a photographer. I'm not just a performer. I am not rich girl material. I am not a professional person material. I am not for fame or for glory. I am meaningless without the Lover of my soul.

I am a child of God, a princess, a daughter of the Almighty -- sent to the world to be His hands and feet. I will never truly be happy with all the things I want to be. I will only be at peace when I do His will. I am worth waiting for. I am going to marry a man after God's own heart. I asked Him to send me, and I know He will.

I am called to a life of purity. I am called to full time ministry. I am called to missions.

I am who He says I am. Redeemed. Pure. Loved. Righteous by grace.

"I will live to carry Your compassion, to love a world that's broken, to be Your hands and feet. And I will give with the life that I've been given, and go beyond religion, to see the world be changed by the power of Your name... Jesus, Your name holds everything I need."
~Power of Your Name, Lincoln Brewster

*Faith Goal: Revelations. Check.

Wedding and Waiting

Doesn't wedding and waiting sound the same? I hung out with my best friend Louisen today, and guess what we (two hopeless romantics who never gets tired of talking about boys) have been up to. We were watching wedding videos that I got from a Wedding Expo last month, and it was for my debut, mind you. They're kind of the same and it was free anyway, so I gave it a try. Unfortunately, my cellphone got stolen by a gang as I was walking, but that's another story. So, here's the catch:

I have found a man I want to marry.

Haha! I know you'd think I'm crazy because I am. It's true. I've had a long-time pent-up crush on someone and I was in denial for months because I know it was just a normal attraction thingy. I liked him because (here goes my non-negotiables) he has a very deep relationship with God, he is a leader, he likes kids, he is actively serving God in a Bible-believing church, he has a good character and integrity, he loves and takes care of his family so much, and (here goes my negotiables), he's got the looks and the brains. But of course he's not perfect, I am aware of his flaws.

When I saw him again last Sunday, I just can't help but be overwhelmed by his mere presence. It feels wrong because I believe I don't really know him that well, plus he's 10 years older than me. I was serious enough to the point that I found myself saying, "Aww, five years from now he'll be 32, and even if I'd only be 22 by then, I would surely marry him." Haha, you're not the only one reading that line in disbelief, 'cause I'm included. Yes, it has come to that, people. In the end, I just had to give up so I said, "Well, it's his season to marry. Months or a year or two from now I'll be seeing photos of him and his wife on Facebook. I will have to accept it, but I would really be sad."

After he found out that I'll be transferring to L.A., he said, "Krishna, 'wag muna magbo-boyfriend ha. Asawa, ha. Asawa." For my foreign readers: he told me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend yet. I think he meant that I should think about my future husband first, or that I should choose a guy who is husband-material rather than just boyfriend-material. Anyhow, my emotions have calmed down now, and as long as I don't look at his profile and notes (yes, he writes so well, and he writes about God and His love), I think there will be progress. :D

I'm letting those thoughts go now, because even though I want to marry that person, I don't have the final say. So the point is:

1. Do good to your husband all the days of your life. The Bible talks about a wife of a noble character. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." I believe that "all the days of her life" not only includes the time that she meets and marries her husband, but even before she meets him. That means that even right now, I am already given the responsibility to act and make decisions that will protect and not hurt my future husband, and to let God shape me to be the woman I should be for him. (Argh, I think He has got a lot to change in me. Haha. But what is impossible for God, anyway?) So I will pray for my future husband, and by God's grace, walk in His light as I wait.

2. God knows best. I will let the Creator of all mankind tell me who the best is for me. At the end of the day, He's the one who sees the heart, and He's the one who truly knows that person. The God of the universe who loves me so much did not withhold his only Son from me, so what more a great future husband? Here are verses that helped me understand why I should trust Him (inspired by my Victory Group):

Romans 12:12
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

1 Samuel 1:16
"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

Hebrews 11:40
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"

Bottomline: But then again, if His will for me is to be single forever (it happens), I will not ask for more because He is more than enough for me and He is all I will ever need. :)

Fickleness

You saw me sleeping like I always do.
You didn't know it was me, but you stared.
What made you look?
Was it because you were alone?
Was it because I was the only girl you see, like you used to say before?
Is it still all the same?
You looked, and it woke me up.
You were the first person I saw, wearing a surprised look.
What were you doing there, sitting at the far end of the table?
It was only the two of us, in a place where lonewolves go.
So, you were lonely, too.
How did you find me, when I was hiding from you?
Were you waiting? Was I waiting?
Maybe I was, but I've pushed that idea long ago.
I won't wait for you.
I'm not waiting for you.
I was just alone, that's all.
I wasn't ready, it was a choice not to be.
But I know you were, you could've left that place.
You could've gone out, laughing with your friends.
You could've wrapped your arms in a tight embrace with somebody else.
But you chose to be there. You looked away, and then you slept.
You chose to be idle, much longer than you've waited before.
We could have been in two different places.
But we gave it a rest and tried indifference.
We stayed there near each other, with our hearts worlds apart.
I know we'll be waiting for a very long time.
Sometimes in the same places, even when the memories hurt.
And it only gives us strength to go on.
I am not for you, and you are not for me.
But we are the reason why we're waiting.
Though we both don't know what we're waiting for.

Photo from Rex-chan at deviantart.

Maybe it's not the memories that hurt. But the present reality that the making of those beautiful memories has stopped for good.

This isn't goodbye.

Last night I just fell in-love with Shane Filan of Westlife, and his dancing skills! Haha, who knew he could wiggle and jump like that? And Westlife actually used my favorite song "When You're Looking Like That" for their intro. Unfortunately, they didn't sing "I Lay My Love On You" and "Swear It All Over Again". But they did sing a lot of amazing songs, such as their irresistable rendition of "What About Now".

Internet Photo

Oh, excuse me. Yes, it's the Westlife Gravity Tour 2011 Live in Manila!!! I went with ate Christin, and another volunteer from True Love Waits. Gaaah, it's actually the first time that I've ever written triple exclamations in my blog. Kinikilig ako! :"> There's no proper foreign translation for "kilig", though it's close to the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you like.

And yes, I came 30 mins. late, but they waited for me! They started exactly when I got there. Haha!

As I was watching them sing, and dance, and talk to us in a very endearing way (Irish!), I suddenly thought, "God, I want a guy with amazing voice and looks." Of course, Westlife seemed to be what they sing. As if I really knew them personally as responsible (not to mention, handsome) husbands in their thirties. Well, I don't. And I took my words back exactly because I will never know. God gets to choose for me, and whether or not that person has an amazing voice and a handsome face, I know he would be worth it. And I know there will always be something beautiful in him, because he reflects his Maker.

I'll let God choose for me, 'cause He sees the heart, and I don't (which is frustrating, haha). And I know that person will be good, pleasing and perfect, since my Father who chose him wants the best for me more than I want it for myself.

You can call me weird, but I'm happy that I don't know that person yet, or at least I don't want to. Well, I was happy. Until the concert had to end. It was enough for me to sit at the General Admission section, as long as I get to hear their voices personally. If it were up to me, I'd listen to Shane sing all week (with harmony, since they're good as a team). I just had to admire the giver of that talent.

I know, I know. It's depressing enough. All good things come to an end, at least the best thing never does. ;)

PS. Title taken from their song "What Makes A Man".

My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.

Writing 'bout my sweeter song

Waiting.

I once told someone, "Are you ridiculous? What, you're gonna have 10 girlfriends while waiting for me? I'd rather have you not wait for me at all."

And then it hit me. I deserve that. I now hate being single. And I hate myself for entering a relationship when I could have waited. It just made me crave and miss having someone to love and care for me. As if God's love couldn't complete me. It even shattered the heart I've invested on that person, along with the feelings, the time, and all the things I've sacrificed, even a bit of my purity.

I’m even regretting getting over my ex. Because when I wasn’t over him yet, I was waiting for him. I was waiting for a person I know, and I have memories to hold on to. But when I got over him, I still know I was waiting for someone. But he's someone I don’t know, with no visions or memories to encourage me. Just the plain thought that when he comes, it will all be good, pleasing, and perfect – God’s will. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

It's valentines season, and I know that it would come and pass, but I'd still be tempted more and more each day into a relationship with a person who does not deserve me. I'm starting to settle for less, as if my Father won't give me the best. I'm starting to doubt my uniqueness and beauty. I'm getting impatient and impulsive. These are the times when the going gets tough.

I've seen almost everyone around me get hurt by these immature relationships. I've seen them seek fulfillment and completion for that emptiness inside of them, thinking that a relationship could fill that deep hole within them. But here's the thing. Not just some other person could fill that void. In fact, no one can, no matter how perfect the relationship is. Only God can. What's even more, we don't have to do anything for Him to love us. He already does.

This is the part where I feel like giving up the fight, or compromising my standards. But I think that we should all be reminded of this. If God sent His son to die for you and me, wouldn't He also give us the best man or woman there is for us? We just have to wait and maximize that time of singlehood so we can serve God better. It's hard, because it's an endless struggle for me, before the right person comes. But I know God's grace will guide me. Even when all that's in my mind is flirting with that guy I like, or the intimate moments I've had with my ex-boyfriend.

I could choose to act on it or not. But years from now, when I finally meet that person God has set apart for me, what would my actions say about me? What would it say about what kind of woman I am? As I wait for that person, I pray that God would make me more patient and faithful, and would give me that firmness to guard my heart. I'm letting Him write my love story. I’m going to wait for that sweeter song.

One Day at a Time

by Krishna Lou T. Ayungao

10-10917; BA Communication

*FICTION. Italic characters pertain to Euna's final thoughts and past.

"And I die, one day at a time, 'cause I just can't seem to get you off my mind. No matter how I try, try to kill the time. I think that I'm just going crazy, one day at a time." ~Jonas Brothers

June 8, 2009

The wind was upon my face. And I felt like I was floating in air. And white light. It seemed like a long time that I was in that state. I barely recalled what happened only minutes ago. Ouch! What the heck? What was that? Oh okay, now I’m sane. What the hell just happened? I think I landed in the middle of four connected buildings. I looked down only to see that I was wearing a blouse with a sailor collar and a very long skirt. I’ve seen this uniform somewhere. I touched my face and felt pimples creating bumps on my skin. Teenage life. Suddenly, it came back to me. I am wearing my high school uniform. And I am in my former school. Why? Because I had wished to come back here. I felt a pinch on my heart. I wanted to come back here. Okay, that’s it! I didn’t come all the way to Bermuda Triangle to be brought to my past.

I noticed I was wearing my maroon ID lace. I knew right then that I was back to my senior year. I had the feeling that my four years in high school was vague. I hardly remember those three years I knew were fun. High school was summarized by my senior year. Painful and torturing. Do I really have to go through all this again?

“Eunaaaaa! I miss you! So much! I’m just so excited. We’re already in fourth year. Can you believe that? And what have you been up to? I rarely saw you this summer. And what the? Why are you sitting there? Where are your things?” a familiar voice said. For a second, it made me smile to hear that voice. It was Luna, with Katrice. Two of my few high school best friends. It was just like before. Exactly like before.

But I was just too shocked to reply. So now it wasn’t like before. Because my memories told me that I hugged them in excitement. This was the year I’ve been waiting for. I was surprised that my crush since sophomore year was in our class. Not to brag, but some considered us an elite section, the cream section. Of course it was all stereotype, we’re just like the other kids.

We proceeded to line up in front of our classroom. My world stopped when I saw him. He was sitting quietly bearing the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But I knew he wouldn’t be quiet. I knew a hundred things about him even when at that time and place, I wasn’t supposed to know anything. My mind raced to all the times we were together. Flashbacks of memories and sweetness, of hurt and impossibility. I had my back on him, but I knew – like before – that he was looking at me every minute he had that day.

Is it right to look in your eyes and hope that somehow you would remember me? Is it right to let you go through this again? I don’t know. Since I’ve seen those eyes, I never knew what was right anymore.

July 10, 2009

I woke up and it was already July 10. Okaaay, my time frame is so freaking me out. I mean, how in the world do you sleep on June 8 and wake up on July 10 in just ten hours? Well, of course I went to school. I really can’t bear to disappoint my mom, I know she wouldn’t believe me when I say that I’ve already been through high school and I’m supposed to be 28 years old right now.

The day went on normally. Janine came up to ask me about how I’m coping with Justin. It had been two months since he had his first girlfriend; it kind of hurt my pride that time. I swore I wouldn’t believe in guys anymore. I said I was okay, because I was, and I had to think for three minutes to figure out what happened between me and Justin. That couldn’t be strange enough considering what’s happening to me right now. Today, my teacher in Filipino asked us to write about something painful, I refused to write and cry for my grandmother who died only months ago from the time that I'm in. I refused to sit in front of him like I did thirteen years ago. I wanted to write about him, about us. But it wouldn’t be right. Because now I know why I was brought here. I ‘m here to undo the things that would hurt us both in the future.

If I went on with my life without you, would I forget about you? Would I be happier? Would some other guy be able to hurt me like you did? A part of me would never be happy, knowing that being loved by you would be worth more than anything else. A part of me would always be happy, because I had the chance to be with you again, and now I choose not to hurt you.

July 26, 2009

Mrs. Valdez informed me that I would be joining a certain pageant with Daniel. It wasn't like me to say that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't have turned down the offer. But then again, I said no.

I would give up anything to go back to that time when you looked at me like I was the only girl who existed. Like I would be the one for you. I'd give up anything to hear you say again how beautiful I was that day. But not when I know it would hurt you.

August 8,2009

It feels good to relive the past. I really missed talking to my best friends about the school paper and anything under the sun. Being associate editor is not all fun, I just loved writing. This day used to be weird for me, well, thirteen years ago. I can’t provide any scientific explanation why I’m so interested in love, pardon me, this is just the way I am. Boys in the classroom sprang up with questions like, “What if Daniel courted you? What would you do?” or “Does he have a chance on you?” I used to say that I didn’t know and I was too scared to try. To which they would reply, “How will you know if you won’t try?”

But today, I said, "No, he doesn't have any chance on me. I haven't moved on yet."

Yes, I haven't moved on. I haven't moved on from the way you looked at me, the way you touched my face. The way you cared for me. I haven't moved on from loving you. I haven't moved on from everything about you. Because everything I do just brings me back to you.

August 20, 2009

Today was his 15th birthday. I'll always be 6 months older than he is. And he really didn't start courting me back then until he turned the same age I was. But no, he won't be able to court me again.

He invited everyone to his birthday. People texted me to come. They said he suddenly frowned when he learned that I wouldn't be able to go. I knew he would be sad. I knew I would do anything to come and make him smile, but I pretended to be sick instead.

But I was there. I watched as the sun came down at the Grand Stand, just in front of the street he lived in. I sneaked in when he was gone. Just like I did on his first 15th birthday, when he suddenly turned around and saw me. He smiled like there was nothing that could make him happier that day. It's just that, he didn't see me today. He shouldn't.

How long will I have to keep watching you from afar? How long will I have to hold on to our memories? Even if you've hurt me a thousand times, it really won't stop me from following your eyes.

August 22, 2009

Can you believe this? I'm going through Trigonometry again! This is hell. And I hate assignments. I hate working at home. My cell phone suddenly beeped to alert me of a text message. Oh nice, just when I'm forgetting that I even had a cell phone. Daniel texted. He asked how I was. I wanted to push the reply button so bad, but I didn't.

You walked with me to the mall that day. Even when I looked like I had measles. The punch you made me drink the other night gave me allergies. Still, you took care of me like I was fragile, fearing that I was going to break. You introduced me to your parents that day. I never thought I was that special to you.

We walked at the Grand Stand as the sun was setting. I knew you were going to tell me about how you felt. But it rained. You gestured to take my hand and I put it on yours. To tell you that I'm trusting you, with all my life. The next thing I knew, we were running for shelter.

August 24, 2009

Going through high school again is so creepy. It's just that I get to be better at Math and Physics this time. When I entered the classroom, my journalism adviser asked me to go to Makati Science High School to get her book. She wanted me to come with Luna. Man, I remember having a hard time trying to find that Mr. Escote. But anyway, it's better than being idle.

We were walking across the corridor when Daniel appeared. I wonder why he's still interested in me when I'm being evident about not liking him.

"Euna, uhm, I just thought that maybe you could come with me to Makati High School? I don't know where that is. And they said you were going there, too," he said. I didn't know news could spread that fast. "Well, I'm already going with Luna. You can ask someone else." I walked straight ahead like I didn't see him.

At first, I was reluctant to come with you. But you insisted and said, "Don't worry, I won't leave you there all by yourself. I can't do that." So I went with you. You laid my head on your shoulder and you held my hand. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. Even when it felt like it wasn't right, I couldn't take my hand away.

I said "Yes". I didn't know why. I just knew you were the one I was looking for.

***

It's just an experiment :) I know it's not that good.

Bridal Showers make me giddy.

Ate Len Accad and Kuya Jeng Aguinaldo II

“The man must be a leader. Because whether you like it or not, in marriage, the man should lead the woman. If he can’t lead himself, where and how much more can he lead you?” ~Len Accad

This was part of the advice I got from Ate Len as she tried to console me last time. Along with that, she also informed me that she is getting married to Kuya Jeng. I don't know, I always had the feeling that they were meant for each other the first time I saw their picture together when I was flipping through Kuya Jeng's Starbucks Planner. Ate Len has a strong personality, and Kuya Jeng is a leader.

As I watched the Bridal Shower earlier, I still couldn't believe that they would be husband and wife in nine days. Ate Len still looks like eighteen while Kuya Jeng looks like twenty-two. They met in UP Baguio, as they were both officers of Every Nation Campus Ministry (now called Lifebox). Ate Len recalled that they were really getting to know each other and enjoying themselves without the intention of looking for a partner in life.

There's just one line that they both kept on saying. Learn to wait on God. He works mysteriously and when you least expect it. And it makes a big difference to be able to offer your heart to only one person – God’s will. Plus, he/she would be the one perfect person to help you grow as you walk with God.

Seeing how they smiled, laughed and blushed earlier, and considering how much they know about each other, it's good to know that God's will is always the best and will last forever.

It kind of saddened me to know that Ate Len would be resigning from Lifebox. To which Kuya Jeng replied, "No, she'd still be here. Even if she resigns, it won't really stop her. This is her passion." See how much it does to wait on God?

A line from my favorite wedding vow:

"I promise to constantly pursue you, and make you feel loved and
wanted because you're worth it." ~ Ptr. Joseph Bonifacio (wedding vow to
Rica Carla Paralejo)

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.