My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.

Stars Downdate #1

Yes, you read it right. It's downdate now. :)

I don't really know what that means exactly, but the stars update will have to stop. To put it simply, I don't have a crush on him anymore. Haha! Finally! Well, that's kind of nice to know. I'm enjoying him now as my friend and I laugh real hard when I'm with him.

How it happened? I don't know. It's not that I was turned off, someone just told me he's really waiting for someone right now. I don't want to mess with that. Plus, it's better to have him as my friend. (Yes, I know that’s how bitter people make palusot.)

Oh well, it's not a big deal now.

I'm just bothered about this new guy. He ALWAYS catches me looking at him. And I know it disturbs him. I don't know why he's even looking at me in the first place. It's REALLY weird. I might be freaking him out already or something. I just like seeing him smile, that's all. He looks cute, and he's so nice. But I figured out that I should stop looking at him. Not once nor twice, it's too risky. And I know that he knows. My instincts tell me that his instincts told him. Haha. Wish this fades away soon. :|

Stars Update #1

Nakita kita kanina. Tapos hindi ka umiwas. Hindi nga dapat kita babatiin eh. Kunyari busy akong nagbabasa habang naglalakad. Kaya lang nakita mo 'ko, tapos binati mo 'ko. Ganun ka na ba kabait ngayon? 'Di yata uso sa'yo yung salitang "ilang". Parang wala lang sa'yo eh.

Hindi ko pa alam kung anong mararamdaman ko nung kinuha mo yung paper ko sa Comm 1. Siguro yun ang hirap sa'yo. What you see is what you get. Di mo binasa yung paper ko kasi ang title, "How to Make a Sandwich". 'Di mo lang alam, malupit ang laman 'nun.

Tapos nung kinukuha ko sa'yo, ayaw mong ibigay. Hindi ba parang anlabo nun? Tapos nung tinakbuhan kita, tsaka mo naman gustong ibigay. Sinalubong kita pag-akyat mo sa lobby. Kukunin ko na yung paper ko, baka kasi akalain mong iniwan ko lang sa'yo yun kasi gusto kong mabasa mo. At wala ka ring panahong magbasa, may klase ka pa eh. Kaya yun, nagmamadali akong tumakbo papuntang HKP. 11 AM na kasi. Tsaka ko lang na-realize, tapos na pala yung klase ko, 10 AM pala ang start nun. Windang nanaman ako.

*FICTION*

Malabo kang kausap, 'te!

Pagdating ko sa dorm, humiga agad ako.  Hindi pa naman ako inaantok, pero masama yata loob ko. Ganun naman lagi. Full blast yung earphones ko. Nakikinig ako sa Paramore, Switchfoot, Lifehouse, Vertical Horizon at Fine Frenzy. Para lang humupa yung kalungkutan na nararamdaman ko. Ano na'ng gagawin ko ngayong alam mo na? Gusto ko sanang ipamukha sa'yo na hindi ikaw yun. Kaso lang... ikaw naman talaga. Bakit parang hindi yata okay 'yun? Bakit ganun? Magta-tatlong buwan pa lang naman tayong magkakilala, bakit kaya mahalaga yung mga sinasabi at ginagawa mo? Bakit ako nagagalit, eh malalaman mo lang naman na yun yung nararamdaman ko?

Pride. Hindi nga? Hindi ba matagal nang naubos yung lahat ng pride na kaya kong panghawakan? Sabi nila magkaroon daw ako ng kaunting pride. Tapos ngayong meron ako, gusto naman nilang mawala yun. Ang labo, pare.

Alam mo kung anong mas malabo? Hindi ko alam kung iiwas ka o hindi. Kung iiwas ka, masasaktan ako. Kung hindi naman, ang awkward pa rin. Bakit naman kasi ang stupid ko. Kasalanan ko kaya nahalata mo eh. Tapos feeler ka naman.

Nakakatawa pa, ang ganda ng girlfriend mo. Kamukha n'ya yung niligawan nung ex ko pagkatapos ng break-up namin. Tsk, nako. Sumabay pa 'yun. Birthday na nga pala ng ex ko sa friday. Supposedly, anniversary dapat namin sa 24. Magpa-party na lang ako. :))

Ang daya daya. Sana hindi na lang August.

Labo mo, Krishna. Sisihin daw ba yung buwan ngayon?


*FICTION*

Stars :)

Ang cute mo talaga ngumiti. Oo, hindi ka gwapo. Haha, nagtaka ka pa? Alam mo naman yung taste ko eh. Hindi ako tumitingin sa mukha. Tumitingin ako sa ugali. Asa ka naman na gwapo ka. Siguro nadala lang ako ng personality mo. Lahat yata ng tao sa mundo pwede mong makasundo eh.

Ayun. Ang sarap sa 50's Diner 'no? First time kong kumain dun. 'Di kasi ako gala sa Baguio. Good girl ako? Hindi rin. Busy lang talaga buhay ko, walang panahong gumala. Tapos 'yun, natuwa naman ako nung nagkayayaan mag-dinner. Gutom na rin kasi ako.

Pagkatapos nun sumabay ako sa'yo pauwi. Gabi na kasi, hindi ako pwedeng umuwi mag-isa. Lalo na sa BREHA, baka bigla ako ma-kidnap. As if naman may magkaka-interes sa'kin. Pero malay mo rin.

Paakyat na yung taxi. Tapos sabi mo, "Uy, ang ganda nung kanta oh." Hindi ko naman na-recognize kaagad kasi postmod ang mga pinapakinggan ko. "Ha? Anong kanta nga ulit 'yan?" "Stars ng Callalily". Ah okay. Tapos bumaba na rin ako, hindi nga yata umabot sa chorus yung kanta eh. Pero ngayon, marining ko pa lang yung intro, kinikilabutan na 'ko.

"If only you could hear me shout your name, if only you could feel my love again, the stars in the sky would never be the same. If only I had wings so I could fly, I wanna be with you for all of time. My love for you will never die. If only you were here."

'Di na nga kita dapat papansinin eh. Masyado kasi akong naha-high 'pag andyan ka. Weird ng epekto mo sa'kin. 'Pag kinukwento tuloy kita, kala nila kung sinong gwapo. Tapos kinabukasan, pagharap kong bigla sa court, nakita kita. Naalala ko, game mo nga pala ngayon. Sabi ng block rep nyo i-cheer daw kita. Hindi ko naman magawa, baka masyado kang makahalata.

Ewan. Alam ko namang nakakahalata ka na. Naramdaman ko yung friendly na pag-iwas mo. Pambihira, kahit sa pag-iwas, friendly pa rin. Desperado na nga akong ipakita sa'yo na hindi ikaw yung crush ko eh. Kaso lang na-guilty ako bigla, at baka mas lalo akong magmukhang desperado. 'Di naman magbabago yung treatment ko sa'yo . Kunyari wapakels na lang ako sa pag-iwas mo. Kunyari walang epekto sa'kin yun.

Sayang. Ang ganda nung kanta nung isang gabi. Kaso sabi, "If only you were here" daw eh. Nasa tabi mo lang naman ako nun, ‘di ba malamang para sa girlfriend mo 'yun?

*FICTION*