Recurring case of melancholy

I only have a few hours to spare for this blog every week. But right now, my aunt went to a business meeting that would last for 3 days, so I'm not busy. And I've never felt so lonely in this foreign land. I don't have any real and close friends I can talk to and have fun with. I'd socialize in Facebook, and I'm even desperate enough to find a friend in Omegle, since it feels as if my being is incomplete when I'm alone. Maybe I don't need to talk, I just need someone to be physically near me. And right now, there isn't a single person around. I am alone, and getting a bit lonely. As I was attempting to do those small stuff again, and planning to go out to find a church, I realized something.

No relationship can satisfy me. My friends, my spiritual family or the church, and even my own family will never be able to fill the emptiness I have. And all the socializing I do will never substitute to the relationship He offers. There is a hole, an endless vacuum in my heart that only God can fill. It dawned on me that at the end of the day, He is all that matters, and only His love can satisfy me. And I am amazed, because He never left me even when I was ignoring Him for the past few days.

Also, I'm quite irritated that secular songs, especially love songs, add to that loneliness I feel. The regrets are coming back again. I have this recurring case of melancholy. I know it's just in my mind, because I have been redeemed from my past, I have been healed, and I have an everlasting source of peace, hope, and joy. Funny how the enemy plays mind games with us, making us believe that we are people bound in misery and depression, and ridding us of the joy of our salvation. That is not true, we are His children, and He has set us free from that. Jesus is already enough -- actually, more than enough. Even if He was the only person who existed in the world, aside from you, He will satisfy your every need. He already has, and He will, in the future. I just can't help the tears that are about to fall from my eyes as I marvel at how beautiful He is, and why He loves me when all I ever do is turn away from Him.

So practically, I shall not listen to love songs for a while. I shall distract myself, and shake off those negative thoughts that the enemy is placing on my mind. I know and I believe that God's plans for me are wonderful, and I'm not going to sit around wishing I did or didn't do this and that. Everything went according to His plan. If it didn't, He wouldn't be in control. So I'll be ready. I will brace myself. Memories shall not bring regret, but rather lessons learned, and be a constant reminder of how close I was to hitting the ground when I decided to do things my own way -- and how He catches me each time I fall, turning my life upside down. It will all get better, we can always hope in Him.

Just Grateful

November 19, 2011 - A Travelogue-ish Entry. First Time!

 Buying Taho at the end of University Avenue.

Way to go for tired and famished people.

06:00 AM - My supposed-to-be wake-up time. But I slept at 4 AM, so go figure.
07:00 AM - I finally woke up. Researched for hairstyles and make-up styles to do for today. I read ate Jee Geronimo's random email of appreciation which really made my day.
08:00 AM - Still no proper hairstyle which is easy to do. Decided to take a bath since it's getting late.
09:00 AM - Call time. No one has arrived yet as expected. Filipino Time. Still doing my make-up. Had some random visitors, so I was stuck for 30 minutes because I can't do my make-up with them around. :|
10:00 AM - Wilfred, my videographer and video editor (to his surprise), texted me that he had just woken up. He arrived 40 minutes later and we talked about the stop-motion video I had in mind.
11:00 AM - Nikki, my talented photographer, arrives. I let her see the clothes I prepared.
12:00 PM - Angel, my personal stylist and assistant for the day (haha!), finally arrived. He fixed my hair for an hour and a half. We all ate spaghetti and talked about music, life and everything else in between.
01:00 PM - Last minute preparations of accessories, and endless rummaging of shoe boxes.
02:00 PM - Finally, we leave for UP Diliman. Yes people, that's 5 HOURS after when we should have left.

PRE-DEBUT PHOTOSHOOT

Behind the scenes.

I'm stronger than before

Stronger than I'll ever be

And I raise my eyes to the One

The One who made me see

All what I thought was lost

But now is found

And I'm grateful

Looking for someplace else.

We lost the sun for a bit, but

I thank God for the perfect

weather.

Blues are bluer

Smiles are brighter

It draws a tear whenever

I watch the sunsets paint the sky

I don't even mind walking under the rain

I never laughed like this before

And I'm gonna say it once more

Down the stairs of the famous Palma/AS Hall.

Moreover, I thank Him for the few true friends
He has given me.

Everything seems different now

Things are turned inside out

With a new pair of senses to go with around

It doesn't even matter

If I'm up or down

I'm grateful

You showed me the way back to my beautiful

A bunch of very talented friends.*

*I'm actually referring to my whole high school senior class. But these guys are the best! They even put up with

my impatience and pettiness!

I love you!

Grateful for the day 

You called my name

Ever since You

Walked into the door

It's never been the same

Mornings are brighter now

I'm not afraid

And I wake up each day 
with a smile on my face

Coz I've been in places

Where I couldn't even see

The light of day

And then You came

At sunset. Finally time to rest.

My favorite picture, an example of

the fail edited version,

done by yours truly.

*Lyrics taken from the song "Grateful" by Julianne Tarroja

Down the fading road

To walk down that road
With nothing but emptiness
Reminded me how I've abused myself,
Soaked up in happiness with you.
And with every step
Bursts of memories and
Distant echoes from nowhere.
Brighter and louder
As the road fades to darkness,
Until it is all I have to hold on.
So I walk to all directions,
Braver and stronger
As minutes go by.
Dancing as the wind blows
From an open ended place.
Must I choose to see the light again,
It only takes one step back.

Some attempts to stay healthy

Hey guys, I'm sorry I haven't updated you for a few days. Haha. This is just to warn you that I'm posting a very long one soon. God has been revealing to me something that I've asked from Him two years ago -- my major. But let's not dig into that. Check it out from time to time, I'm sure the principles will help you.

I've actually got insomnia, and I couldn't sleep at night so I have been busying myself by keeping you posted (you will notice that I usually post from 1 to 5 AM). But I want to get rid of that lifestyle because I'm really getting fatter, and my quiet time is compromised. Since it's sem-break season (for people who are studying; and I'm on a 1-year vacation), my best friends and I agreed to jog every morning at Fort Bonifacio.

Yes, it's this road. :) Click "Portfolio" on the Navigation sidebar to see more.

The jogging area is a super long road which is closed 'til 6 AM. I used to walk there with my friends even before the road was made. For high school friendships, long walks are the way to go. Jogging really stressed me out because I only get 5 hours of sleep a day, but it did help correct my body clock. That used-to-be deserted road inspired me to write a poem which I will be posting tomorrow.

Enjoy your weekend, everybody! :D I'm looking forward to your comments. Haha.

My beautiful friends. :D I love them so much. 

My jogging buddies include two girls from the photo and one guy who isn't in the photo.

Rainy Nights

Internet Photo

Last night was like this. I came home from a party when it suddenly rained harder. My best friend walked me home, and we both didn't have an umbrella. The streets were bare, and I've always enjoyed the rain at times like this. The lamp posts were lit up, and you could see through the orange lights how the tears of heaven trickle down the road. And you wouldn't hear a single thing except the beat of dripping water from the skies, and the rhythm of our own laughter.

I didn't catch a cold. Haha, I'm kind of immune when it comes to the rain. I would go out at 5:00 in the morning just to soak myself up. I would dance Jai Ho as kids run around the neighborhood splashing rainwater all around. When I was in Korea, and my black Grosser Schaten umbrella got stolen (boohoo!), I gladly walked by myself in the heavy pouring rain even when the night was cold and I knew I was going to ride an airconditioned bus for the next two hours.

There's just something special about the rain that I can't explain. The most special moments of my life happened on rainy days. Do you have crazy theories or inspiring stories involving the rain? Go on, tell me. And I might just tell you mine.

Either comment below or email me at rainfallfrustrations@gmail.com

Illusions

 Photo from Meow2299 at deviantart.

There was this illusion that maybe it was just the same as Bokura Ga Ita, with an open ending. But I was obviously fooling myself. I wanted to fall in-love again. I wanted to feel my heart beating faster when you're near. I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to look in your eyes and not see hatred or indifference anymore. But I chose to know and be immersed in the truth that I'm not yet ready. When the time comes and I'm finally ready, I fear that it won't be your eyes that I would be staring at. But maybe then, I would truly be happy.

The memories are slowly fading. I no longer remember them even when you're around. I am fine without them. But I would like to hold on, because those were the happiest moments of my life.

Round Trip To Memory Lane

I had to ride round trip that night. It was Westlife's concert at the Araneta, and the crowd was so dense that I couldn't even get near the sliding doors of the train. In my far right, there was the women's section of the MRT, and it was so full that they had to line up beyond that section. It was the first time I've seen that happen. In front of me were adult men who pushed their way forward. Seconds after I stood behind them, they had to take a second look at me, a seventeen-year-old girl who probably looked years older and pretty with her mastery of "barely there" make-up and an almost plunging shirt.

I lied to the guards and told them I had to go to Taft, which was on the other side of where I should go. I think they had an idea that I was about to ride round trip, but what can they do? So they let me in and out without having to swipe my card again. When I got inside the train, a seat was immediately available after one stop. All I had to do was sit and wait 'til I get to Cubao, which, according to my estimation, would be thirty minutes after the start of the show.

People around me began to leave station after station until we reached Taft, the last station. Only two of us were left, I figured that the other person wouldn't mind waiting long than pushing her way into the train. If it wasn't for the aircon, I could have concluded that the MRT was the modern day version of those trains used in Hitler's concentration camps. The two of us sat there alone for less than a minute before people started rushing into the train which was now en route to Monumento.

Less than a minute was enough time for a quick flashback of when I was years younger. I saw myself, a grade school student, sleeping comfortably and tucked in my dad's wide arms. I woke up to see for the first time the sad, barely lighted highway towards Taft. I asked him where we were and he answered. I can't remember the details, but I believe I did something wrong that night, and we had to go somewhere to do something, so he went with me even though it was very late. Then another flashback came to mind, still in the MRT. I was twisting my body a little less than 90 degrees towards the window to contemplate and watch the moving scenery before me. My brother did the same, since either my mom or my dad wouldn't allow us to kneel on the seats. My dad was talking about something called "round trip" and I couldn't understand it at that time, no matter how he and my mom explained it to me.

Now I understand. I have grown up and I'm able to ride the MRT alone. But I would trade my age to be able to be wrapped in my father's arms again. Screw growing up, because now, he has to go abroad to be able to pay for this laptop I'm using to type this thing, and he wouldn't go home since he has to pay for my debut and college education. Screw growing up, because the last time he came home, I opened my arms for a hug, but he settled for a quick peck on the cheek because he was hesitant to embrace a teenage girl who now has boobs. Screw conformity, because we rarely say "I love you" and it gets harder to do sweet things each day. Will there be a day in the future when my parents would cuddle me like they did when I was a kid, and neither any of us would feel uneasy? Will I be able to nap on afternoons again as my father stretches both his arms, my mother laying her head on his right arm, while I and my brother lay our heads on the other one?

I honestly don't know. And I'm dead afraid to say no. I was close to tears on my way to Cubao, but I had to shut my eyes so tight and shoo off my thoughts. I would not cry all of a sudden in that train. People would think I'm crazy! After all, I am growing up, I knew better. Perhaps I'll continue this wishful thinking some other time, preferrably when I'm alone. At least last night it was good to be seventeen. The concert started just after I got in. I've been dying to see this since I was a kid.

Some forevers

Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng litratong ganito kaganda, na parang hindi na matatapos yung mga ngiti. Tapos sakto pang maganda ang mga ulap, at um-extra pa yung sinag ng araw. Sa susunod ulit. Patunay lang na hindi imposibleng maging masaya kahit na malungkot ang puso. Ay, oo nga pala. Hindi lang ang mga ngiti ang masaya, kundi pati na rin ang mga mata.

I've never seen a photograph this beautiful, as if the smiles would never end. And the skies had the perfect shade of blue, with the extra rays of sun. 'Til next time. This just proves that happiness is not impossible even if the heart is in pain. Oh, and not only the smiles, but also the eyes we're happy.
LOL. Translations suck.

My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.

Mood Swings and PMS :)

Mood Swing (noun)

-Alternation of a person's emotional state between periods of euphoria and depression.

This might be PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome). It must be. I've been feeling a bit wasted and empty at the end of the day for the past week. And suddenly, after singing to myself a rather shaky version of 98 Degrees' "Because of You", I felt like crying. Now I feel like crap.

For a few minutes (and I mean very few), I remembered my only ex-boyfriend. I missed him. But I can't say that I haven't moved on, I know this isn't entirely about him, because after a while I already felt okay. I guess it's normal to have regrets and miss your ex-whatever occasionally, here and there. I guess a memory of a happy moment can either make you feel happy or sad, or maybe both. I guess sometimes we just savor the memories we try so hard to hold on to, and then drop it all of a sudden, because there are just things that are never going to happen anymore. And though we're just dying to see those things come to life, we know that letting them be is the best thing to do.

Nostalgia: There's not a time like high school.

02/11/11 

     I'm writing again, so this must not be good. I'm letting my emo-ness swallow me up again as I listen to my Tiger Playlist after a year or so. Look at that, that's the length of time it took me to recover. But after all, as I always say in my SC10 class, not remembering is for bitter people, and I'm not one of them now, haha. Even when it's so effed up, drastic, ugly, painful and all that, high school is still the best and the most beautiful thing that God allowed to happen in my life. How ironic.

     While I'm admittedly happy dwelling in the streets of Session Road every night with Lifebox people, I still can't help feeling lonely in those few times when I sit alone in the canteen wondering where my blockmates are. Or walking down the catwalk of UP Baguio by myself while it's raining (yeesh, very dramatic), or sitting by a tree while the Christmas lights lit up the whole Oblation Grounds and I ponder why Oble has such a huge butt. And yes, I did that alone.

     I do have some friends now. Those who don’t want me to transfer to Diliman, those whom I know would be in the list of my friends-forever category. And yet, I still miss those forty-six who might not be remembering me now. I miss cramming up assignments, balita't pagsasanay, and projects with those people who knew me so much, who trusted and loved me. 

     Anyway, you have to pardon my perspective. It's the typical sentimental past-oriented emo thing that has made me the unique self that I am. After all those nights spent crying silently as my roommates snored, and pitying myself as I exaggerated the homesickness I felt for my family and friends, I'm still here saying that there's not a time such as high school. As if not a tear fell from my eyes, I still feel the same. I still feel as if my life is not as complete as it was for the last four years.

     So to cut it short (and prevent nose bleeding), this is a simple message for you.

     I LOVE YOU AND HAPPY VALENTINES, IV-RIZAL.

You're my sunshine after the rain. You're the cure against fear and my pain. 'Cause I'm losing my mind when you're not around. It's all, it's all, it's all because of you.

I still can feel, and it's so unreal... It's just the place in the sun where our love's begun. I miss you, yeah, I miss you IV-RIZAL. <3

     Tamang tama, lalabas 'to sa Valentines. =))

Tagalog Untitled 1.1

Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sa bawat pagtawa mo, nagpipinta naman ng kalungkutan ang mga ito. Waring nagsasabi na hindi mo ito gustong mangyari. Hindi mo gustong mawalay ako sa'yo. Sana makita kong muli ang bakas ng kasiyahan sa mga mata mo, lalo na 'pag tinititigan mo ako. Ngunit nawala na ang lahat nang 'yon. Hinayaan mong poot ang maghari sa puso mo. Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sana hindi ko na lang dito nakikita ang lahat ng kahinaan ko. Gaano ko man ito gustong malaman, hindi pa rin kita huhusgahan. 'Di tulad ng panghuhusgang ginawa mo sa'kin nang ako'y iyong pinakawalan.

Tagalog Untitled 1.2

Hindi na kasabay ng pag-ulan ang mga luha. Parang nawawala. Tulad ng pagkawala mo, nung gabing tinalikuran mo ako at hindi na bumalik upang malaman man lang kung gaano ito kasakit. At sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan, parang lalo ka lamang inilalayo sa'kin ng oras. Sa bawat yabag ng paa mo, lalo mo lamang sinasabi na hindi ka na babalik... kahit kailan. Paano kaya kung sinundan ko ang mga mata mo? Paano kaya kung sumabay ako sa pagbuhos ng ulan at mag-makaawang bumalik sa'yo? Wala pa rin namang magbabago, dahil nag-iba na ang pintig ng puso mo.