A Prodigal Daughter's Letter

Dear Father,

I honestly feel like shit. I don't think someone can love a person who never stops screwing up... intentionally. I am such a rebel. I am such a hypocrite. I am incapacitated, and all those stupid metaphors of having no freedom from myself. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am empty. My pride will never admit that I am broken and falling apart. I feel like my life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I am insecure and insignificant. And now I don't think I can ever be where I want to be.

If I cry out to you and knock my pride out of the way, I will only lie that I can change, 'cause I don't think I can. And I will be back to this place again, with my barriers so much worse. I don't want to hope and fool myself again. I am so tired of my weak self. I am so tired of having to lie to you.

But if I keep silent, my life will continue to break and fall apart. I will continue to be meaningless. I won't have the right to talk about you anymore, and my soul will continue to be thirsty. And there will be endless nights of having to go to sleep feeling empty. I will have no passion and compassion. I will rely solely on initiative and willpower, which could be good. And I will forever feel insignificant and insecure.

My faith is dead. My faith is in so many other things which makes grace nonexistent in my life. I don't believe that kind of grace will ever reach me, and stay. I might as well say goodbye to you, 'cause I can continue to try, but I will only be frustrated. Both roads lead me there, anyway. I can deny you, but I believe that you will never go away, so now I can't say you're the one that got away. But this is my choice, and I know I will never be happy with it. My broken heart might someday say, "You're all I needed all this time," but my pride will not admit that I was wrong. And even if you are all I needed, my pride will say you wouldn't have loved me anyway.

My pride is shitty. I am shitty. The truth is I can't go on without you, and it makes no sense to even choose with the choices I'm given. So strip me of my pride, and humble me down however you want, whatever it takes. They say that you will break me, and it will hurt. But I don't care as long as I end up with you.

'Cause you have shown me your heart, and I have seen who you really are. They say that I can not see the truth and still stay the same. I don't know because I don't trust myself. So here I am again at your feet. I know I've blown my chances, but I think there will never be a time that not even the smallest part of me believes that you are who you say you are.

Take this humility that's still left of me. Take all the broken pieces if you can find them. And save me. Save me from myself.

Your daughter,

Grace Happens

 

I don't really have something structured in my mind right now.

I am just sorry that I haven't been fair. I know this past year has been generally painful. I feel like I have been in a storm all throughout, with a few breaks, thankfully. But even then, I am just thankful. I have nothing else to say. I am shaking just thinking about how faithful God is in my life. I know there's been so much hurt in my life, but I would never have it any other way. 'Cause now I see how God is so faithful to someone so unfaithful like me. That is more beautiful than any other material blessing I could have.

I am thankful, because now I can proudly say that I have let go, and I have healed. That doesn't mean that some things won't hurt anymore, but there would be that astounding peace and joy. I am finally at rest, knowing that I am in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it takes you such a long time to stop holding on to the things that make your heart break. Sometimes it's not really easy. Sometimes, the end of it is not as special as you've imagined it to be. How do you really know when it's all over and you came out of it the way you should?

Peace.

And oh, one more thing...

Grace happens here. :)

\\\\\\\\\Yes, people. Present tense.

 

Thank you, Jesus. ♥

Of Struggles with Apathy and Vulnerability

In the spirit of indifference, I am actually quite neutral today, even when last night was a hard one. In the middle of all the preparations for my debut, I thought it was just one of those daily dramas that my mom pushes on me because I resent exercising. Yes, that's right people. We fought over this a gazillion times before, and I just wouldn't do it. Why? I'm content with my body, with who I am, and I don't care what people think of me. On the one hand, I actually get her point of view because she only wants the best for me. She wants people to like me and not judge me, she doesn't want people calling me fat, and she wants me to look good on my debut, so my guests wouldn't have anything to say except marvel at my awesome beauty. Ha!

She's been working so hard these past few weeks, organizing the venue and catering, designing things, and fitting everything in our tight budget. That's actually quite amazing. She's also been telling me that she couldn't concentrate and do her job because she's thinking of my debut, she's already having debts, and on top of all that, she still has flight to book which would be equally or even more costly than my debut. At the back of my mind, there's my mean, rational self telling me that she shouldn't be stressing herself too much with my debut because anything will do for me, and besides, she's the one who wants to work on it, so why does she come and tell me that it's my fault that she's stressed out? And then there's my good, obedient side that is slowly fleeting, which is nagging me, "What the heck are you thinking? Of course she's gonna do all the work 'cause you're doing nothing. She doesn't want to end up like you and throw a stupid party for her daughter. She wants the best for you." And so goes an endless argument between the two.

I actually had a thought that maybe I've been cursed with apathy. My mom usually gets mad a lot, and you wouldn't want to come near her when she's stressed, because she always finds a reason to be angry. She used to say so many negative things to me when I was younger so I taught myself to block out all the negative things I hear from her, and from everybody else, unless it sounds constructive rather than insulting. And what do you know, I was actually good at it. That was how I built my self-esteem. Maybe there's just a problem with communication, she's my parent after all, she can say anything she wants however she wants to. If she's going to ground me, or threaten me, or disown me, it only hurts a little, and then I block it off, and then I tell myself that I don't care, and I really wouldn't care. Recently, her approach has been subtle, and that surprised me a lot. She doesn't get angry all of a sudden, and she's grown to be more gentle. But my approach hasn't changed at all. I discovered that my apathy stayed, even when the rational part of me knows that she is right, I am at fault, and I should definitely say sorry and pay restitution. But the next day, I end up doing nothing.

When she cried last night, which was the purest and weakest cry I've ever seen from her, I couldn't get myself to pity her. There were a lot of things that went on my mind. I thought that she was beautiful as a woman when she did that. I was surprised to see her vulnerability because she's always been an authoritative power figure when I do something wrong. Sure, I've seen her loving side a lot of times as well, but weak and tired weren't usually in the equation. I also thought that it was the most beautiful sign of love, but I don't really want to get soaked up in her love because I'm afraid it would hurt so much when I leave for L.A. and live on my own. I cried after she told me to get out of her room, because at the sum of it all, it wasn't a cry of discipline and tiresomeness, but a cry of pain. I hurt her. And I was also hurt because I love her, but I didn't love her the way I should have.

In my lifetime, I've only made a few people cry, and I was reminded that they all had the same reason to do so. Because they love me, but I didn't love them the way I should. I could even call it an unrequited love. I don't know what to do with myself. I am rid of integrity, excellence, and now love. I don't have all those things, and at times, I couldn't care less. I hate myself for being like this. At this point, there's only one thing I've realized. People who truly love risk themselves of the vulnerablility of being hurt. My mom loves me, and would do anything for me, and I can't exactly say that I can do the same for her. I can only imagine that kind of love until I have my own child someday. God, who is in the most vulnerable position of all, chose to love me, even when He knows I will only desert, offend and hurt Him countless times.

I want to care. I want to do something to make it up to the people I've hurt. I am secure in God's love, but in any other human love, I'm afraid I just have to make restitution to restore our relationship, otherwise it may slowly drift farther apart without me noticing it.

Note to self:

Hi there, Krishna.

This is yourself, speaking to you. A few years from now, I know you will look back and read your whole blog over again. I know you tend to re-read so much when it comes to your writings. I hope you come across these 15 notes someday.

1. Seek God first, and everything else will be given to you. Surrender to Him everything that you have. Choose Him first. Love Him more than you will ever love any person.


2. Always remember that you are perfect and beautiful as you are. God knew what he was doing when He made you. You can be so fat or so thin, but please don't try to impress people. Instead, strive to impress God. His impression matters most.


3. Filter your thoughts and your feelings. Emotions come and go, it's natural. But sometimes, you nurture it. Know when to ignore the negative feelings and get rid or your negative thoughts. You have a big God who loves you, and He doesn't want you to feel or think that way.


4. If you are mad or sad, be more careful that you might not endanger other people's feelings or perspectives by the things you say or do. If you're tired, and you're doing all the work, it's your choice to do so. Don't think that other people deserve to suffer, too (of course, unless they want to help and carry some of your burden).


5. Honor your parents. Give back to them. Obey them, but not if you have to compromise what God wants. Love them, and forgive them no matter how much they have hurt you. You have also hurt them as well.


6. Nothing is impossible for God. If He has put dreams and desires in your heart, I'm quite sure that He did so because He intends to fulfill it in your life. Though you must distinguish which ones come from you and which ones come from Him. He has faithfully done great things in your life, so why are you doubting now? Believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief.


7. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if no one's watching. Live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to feel all kinds of emotions out there. Don't conform to the standards of this world. Don't be conventional. Do hard things!


8. Never tell your future kids that they are ugly even if they're fat, they're dark, etc. Never tell them that they're unworthy, even when you're angry. Remember that they are special and priceless in God's eyes. Their image reflects the image of God. Their worth and their beauty encompasses the standards of this world.


9. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Let your anger fade away before you scold your future children or argue with your future husband. Be sure that you think rationally when you do so. And when you don't have the resolve to do it, be sure to say sorry when you know you're wrong.


10. Exercise to stay healthy, not to lose weight. Wear less and less make-up as the years pass. Encourage and compliment others, they need it.


11. Rest. You need to rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is a kind of rest that only God can give. Don't forget to come to Him if you ever need that kind of rest.


12. Forgive, forget, and let go. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and treat them as if nothing happened before. Let go of the issues you had with them. Don't bring it back even in arguments.


13. Be a biblical woman. Know what God designed you to be. Don't be too dominant, aggressive, or assumptive. Learn to be gentle and supportive.


14. Always give back the glory to God. He has given you everything you have. Your intellect, your talent, your calling. Whether it's performing for other people, tithing, or serving God, give Him what He deserves.


15. Hide God's word in your heart always. It is your sword and your shield. You can't fight the battle without it. You won't be able to do everything written above without doing this.

Love,
Yourself

PS. No pun intended.

Fickleness

You saw me sleeping like I always do.
You didn't know it was me, but you stared.
What made you look?
Was it because you were alone?
Was it because I was the only girl you see, like you used to say before?
Is it still all the same?
You looked, and it woke me up.
You were the first person I saw, wearing a surprised look.
What were you doing there, sitting at the far end of the table?
It was only the two of us, in a place where lonewolves go.
So, you were lonely, too.
How did you find me, when I was hiding from you?
Were you waiting? Was I waiting?
Maybe I was, but I've pushed that idea long ago.
I won't wait for you.
I'm not waiting for you.
I was just alone, that's all.
I wasn't ready, it was a choice not to be.
But I know you were, you could've left that place.
You could've gone out, laughing with your friends.
You could've wrapped your arms in a tight embrace with somebody else.
But you chose to be there. You looked away, and then you slept.
You chose to be idle, much longer than you've waited before.
We could have been in two different places.
But we gave it a rest and tried indifference.
We stayed there near each other, with our hearts worlds apart.
I know we'll be waiting for a very long time.
Sometimes in the same places, even when the memories hurt.
And it only gives us strength to go on.
I am not for you, and you are not for me.
But we are the reason why we're waiting.
Though we both don't know what we're waiting for.

Photo from Rex-chan at deviantart.

Maybe it's not the memories that hurt. But the present reality that the making of those beautiful memories has stopped for good.

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker

The Drama of Moving Out

Oh-kay. Fun's over.

Moving into UP BREHA was easy for me. I actually felt lucky to be here, because a lot of freshies wanted to be here, too. I didn't know that the moving out was harder.

I just don't want to stay here anymore. Don't get me wrong, everyone here is nice. The guards, the admin, and my dormmates, they're all kind. They are what you call "acquaintances". They know my name, but they don't know who I am.

Passing the readmission letter to BREHA was already a difficult choice to make. As much as I wanted to say, " 'Wag mo nang ipasa 'yan, wala naman silang [my parents] magagawa 'pag di ka na-readmit eh," but I'm considering my parent's decision, too. Note CONSIDERING. And, if you're reading that letter right now, you'd probably think about what a total "plastic" I was.

I was talking to my mom a while ago, and it made me cry once again in my room. Of course, nobody heard me. That was like admitting I was problematic, and I wanted them to hear me out when I know they don't give a damn. I wish I could just say that I had eating problems in BREHA, and I HATE CURFEW. But I knew why I really wanted to go.

Don't get me wrong again. I love my roommates. They make me laugh so hard on cold, sad nights by just listening to their conversations. Again, note THEIR. I never really had a significant part in almost all of those conversations. I wanted to join, but I just wasn't the kind of person who knew how to make "banat" or to say something they would actually listen to. How did I even survive the first semester?

Going back to BREHA everytime I'm tired just makes me more stressed. It makes me lonelier by actually imposing the fact that, I'm going to a house, not a home. After an exhausting day, there wouldn't be a "family" to talk to me, or to hear me out. They're the closest people I have in the dormitory, but they're just like the others. They know about me, but they don't know who I am. I could never say something good, or useful. They have already boxed me as "that" girl, the girl whose loner/boring personality got the best of her. I guess, I am at fault, too. But I don't want to be told what to do anymore. I don't want to be told to relate better to them. I just don't want to be told to survive another semester with people who won't accept who I really am, people who never gave me the chance to show who I can be.

I know I should obey my parents. But are money, savings and safety all that matters? I would never know if I'll be able to stay here next sem, or be able to transfer to Diliman. Either way, I'm not doing it to follow my parent's plan for my life. I'm going to do it to follow God's plan.

I guess when I say "I don't want to live in BREHA anymore," all I mean is, I want to have a home. I need to have a family. Another semester is a very long time for me.

Tagalog Untitled 1.1

Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sa bawat pagtawa mo, nagpipinta naman ng kalungkutan ang mga ito. Waring nagsasabi na hindi mo ito gustong mangyari. Hindi mo gustong mawalay ako sa'yo. Sana makita kong muli ang bakas ng kasiyahan sa mga mata mo, lalo na 'pag tinititigan mo ako. Ngunit nawala na ang lahat nang 'yon. Hinayaan mong poot ang maghari sa puso mo. Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sana hindi ko na lang dito nakikita ang lahat ng kahinaan ko. Gaano ko man ito gustong malaman, hindi pa rin kita huhusgahan. 'Di tulad ng panghuhusgang ginawa mo sa'kin nang ako'y iyong pinakawalan.

Tagalog Untitled 1.2

Hindi na kasabay ng pag-ulan ang mga luha. Parang nawawala. Tulad ng pagkawala mo, nung gabing tinalikuran mo ako at hindi na bumalik upang malaman man lang kung gaano ito kasakit. At sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan, parang lalo ka lamang inilalayo sa'kin ng oras. Sa bawat yabag ng paa mo, lalo mo lamang sinasabi na hindi ka na babalik... kahit kailan. Paano kaya kung sinundan ko ang mga mata mo? Paano kaya kung sumabay ako sa pagbuhos ng ulan at mag-makaawang bumalik sa'yo? Wala pa rin namang magbabago, dahil nag-iba na ang pintig ng puso mo.