To Live Is Christ

I don't know if this is spur of the moment, but I might need this post if or when I make THE decision.

As I was rummaging through old family stuff, a random thought came to mind. I suddenly remembered that moment when ate Leslie (one of the True Love Waits staff who inspires me a lot), showed me a video of Jim Elliot and other missionaries who died while they were reaching out to the Auca Indians, which are now the Waodani people. They knew they were going to die, but they truly understood Jesus when he said, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." (Mark 8:35) And I don't want to gain what is of the world, but store up treasures in heaven (Matt. 6:19-20). Haha, selfish? At least, those treasures are forever. O pa'no ba yan? Paramihan na lang, kitakits! Hahaha!



These were the videos I watched at the TLW Office."He is no fool, to lose what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

So after the thought sunk in, this song played (randomly also) on my iTunes: To Live Is Christ by Parachute Band. The lyrics say, "I am not my own, You are in control. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. No matter what price I pay, I choose to give this life away." I thought it was funny, so I looked up and said, "God, are you doing this on purpose?" =))

The gist is: I want to do missions. I don't know what kind of missions yet, but I have this desire which I discovered when I was still in UP Baguio (a year ago), and it's been with me ever since. Pastor Dennis Isleta prayed for me about it. And he also told me that for now, I should be excellent in my studies, or my work after that, and should that desire rise up in me again, I am to pray about it. I am not sure if God is really calling me for such a privilege, but I am weirded out that the thought is bugging me until now, and still has not left my mind.

If in this realization, it was really God speaking to me, then He had already half-answered the revelation I wanted from Him - my college major. You might think it's not important because people end up not using their degree on their jobs anyway, but I want to be able to choose a major which will glorify Him the most. What good is taking up a major that my family wants (eg. computer science, or accounting), or that I want (eg. theater or philosophy) if it doesn't have something to do with God's calling in my life? Though I am very sure He won't let that happen, because things perfectly fall into place, for everything that happens is part of His plan.

I know I can honor God with whatever career I will choose, but the question now is, which will glorify Him most in my life? So the choice is not mine, but His, because He obviously knows what's best.

Maybe some time in the future, I'll change my mind again, and I will have all kinds of fears that I don't have now. But I want to remember this moment when all I wanted is to honor Him, without regard of what I want or what will happen to me, because I finally realized that it is not a waste to live for Christ.

One thing for sure, right now, I am totally unfit for a calling like that. My thoughts, my attitudes, and a lot of areas in my life are still under construction. But what do you know? I have a lot of excuses why it's impossible for Him to call me into something as huge as that, but His grace is always sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

Wedding and Waiting

Doesn't wedding and waiting sound the same? I hung out with my best friend Louisen today, and guess what we (two hopeless romantics who never gets tired of talking about boys) have been up to. We were watching wedding videos that I got from a Wedding Expo last month, and it was for my debut, mind you. They're kind of the same and it was free anyway, so I gave it a try. Unfortunately, my cellphone got stolen by a gang as I was walking, but that's another story. So, here's the catch:

I have found a man I want to marry.

Haha! I know you'd think I'm crazy because I am. It's true. I've had a long-time pent-up crush on someone and I was in denial for months because I know it was just a normal attraction thingy. I liked him because (here goes my non-negotiables) he has a very deep relationship with God, he is a leader, he likes kids, he is actively serving God in a Bible-believing church, he has a good character and integrity, he loves and takes care of his family so much, and (here goes my negotiables), he's got the looks and the brains. But of course he's not perfect, I am aware of his flaws.

When I saw him again last Sunday, I just can't help but be overwhelmed by his mere presence. It feels wrong because I believe I don't really know him that well, plus he's 10 years older than me. I was serious enough to the point that I found myself saying, "Aww, five years from now he'll be 32, and even if I'd only be 22 by then, I would surely marry him." Haha, you're not the only one reading that line in disbelief, 'cause I'm included. Yes, it has come to that, people. In the end, I just had to give up so I said, "Well, it's his season to marry. Months or a year or two from now I'll be seeing photos of him and his wife on Facebook. I will have to accept it, but I would really be sad."

After he found out that I'll be transferring to L.A., he said, "Krishna, 'wag muna magbo-boyfriend ha. Asawa, ha. Asawa." For my foreign readers: he told me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend yet. I think he meant that I should think about my future husband first, or that I should choose a guy who is husband-material rather than just boyfriend-material. Anyhow, my emotions have calmed down now, and as long as I don't look at his profile and notes (yes, he writes so well, and he writes about God and His love), I think there will be progress. :D

I'm letting those thoughts go now, because even though I want to marry that person, I don't have the final say. So the point is:

1. Do good to your husband all the days of your life. The Bible talks about a wife of a noble character. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." I believe that "all the days of her life" not only includes the time that she meets and marries her husband, but even before she meets him. That means that even right now, I am already given the responsibility to act and make decisions that will protect and not hurt my future husband, and to let God shape me to be the woman I should be for him. (Argh, I think He has got a lot to change in me. Haha. But what is impossible for God, anyway?) So I will pray for my future husband, and by God's grace, walk in His light as I wait.

2. God knows best. I will let the Creator of all mankind tell me who the best is for me. At the end of the day, He's the one who sees the heart, and He's the one who truly knows that person. The God of the universe who loves me so much did not withhold his only Son from me, so what more a great future husband? Here are verses that helped me understand why I should trust Him (inspired by my Victory Group):

Romans 12:12
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

1 Samuel 1:16
"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

Hebrews 11:40
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"

Bottomline: But then again, if His will for me is to be single forever (it happens), I will not ask for more because He is more than enough for me and He is all I will ever need. :)

This isn't goodbye.

Last night I just fell in-love with Shane Filan of Westlife, and his dancing skills! Haha, who knew he could wiggle and jump like that? And Westlife actually used my favorite song "When You're Looking Like That" for their intro. Unfortunately, they didn't sing "I Lay My Love On You" and "Swear It All Over Again". But they did sing a lot of amazing songs, such as their irresistable rendition of "What About Now".

Internet Photo

Oh, excuse me. Yes, it's the Westlife Gravity Tour 2011 Live in Manila!!! I went with ate Christin, and another volunteer from True Love Waits. Gaaah, it's actually the first time that I've ever written triple exclamations in my blog. Kinikilig ako! :"> There's no proper foreign translation for "kilig", though it's close to the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you like.

And yes, I came 30 mins. late, but they waited for me! They started exactly when I got there. Haha!

As I was watching them sing, and dance, and talk to us in a very endearing way (Irish!), I suddenly thought, "God, I want a guy with amazing voice and looks." Of course, Westlife seemed to be what they sing. As if I really knew them personally as responsible (not to mention, handsome) husbands in their thirties. Well, I don't. And I took my words back exactly because I will never know. God gets to choose for me, and whether or not that person has an amazing voice and a handsome face, I know he would be worth it. And I know there will always be something beautiful in him, because he reflects his Maker.

I'll let God choose for me, 'cause He sees the heart, and I don't (which is frustrating, haha). And I know that person will be good, pleasing and perfect, since my Father who chose him wants the best for me more than I want it for myself.

You can call me weird, but I'm happy that I don't know that person yet, or at least I don't want to. Well, I was happy. Until the concert had to end. It was enough for me to sit at the General Admission section, as long as I get to hear their voices personally. If it were up to me, I'd listen to Shane sing all week (with harmony, since they're good as a team). I just had to admire the giver of that talent.

I know, I know. It's depressing enough. All good things come to an end, at least the best thing never does. ;)

PS. Title taken from their song "What Makes A Man".

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker