As I was rummaging through old family stuff, a random thought came to mind. I suddenly remembered that moment when ate Leslie (one of the True Love Waits staff who inspires me a lot), showed me a video of Jim Elliot and other missionaries who died while they were reaching out to the Auca Indians, which are now the Waodani people. They knew they were going to die, but they truly understood Jesus when he said, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." (Mark 8:35) And I don't want to gain what is of the world, but store up treasures in heaven (Matt. 6:19-20). Haha, selfish? At least, those treasures are forever. O pa'no ba yan? Paramihan na lang, kitakits! Hahaha!
So after the thought sunk in, this song played (randomly also) on my iTunes: To Live Is Christ by Parachute Band. The lyrics say, "I am not my own, You are in control. For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. No matter what price I pay, I choose to give this life away." I thought it was funny, so I looked up and said, "God, are you doing this on purpose?" =))
The gist is: I want to do missions. I don't know what kind of missions yet, but I have this desire which I discovered when I was still in UP Baguio (a year ago), and it's been with me ever since. Pastor Dennis Isleta prayed for me about it. And he also told me that for now, I should be excellent in my studies, or my work after that, and should that desire rise up in me again, I am to pray about it. I am not sure if God is really calling me for such a privilege, but I am weirded out that the thought is bugging me until now, and still has not left my mind.
If in this realization, it was really God speaking to me, then He had already half-answered the revelation I wanted from Him - my college major. You might think it's not important because people end up not using their degree on their jobs anyway, but I want to be able to choose a major which will glorify Him the most. What good is taking up a major that my family wants (eg. computer science, or accounting), or that I want (eg. theater or philosophy) if it doesn't have something to do with God's calling in my life? Though I am very sure He won't let that happen, because things perfectly fall into place, for everything that happens is part of His plan.
I know I can honor God with whatever career I will choose, but the question now is, which will glorify Him most in my life? So the choice is not mine, but His, because He obviously knows what's best.
Maybe some time in the future, I'll change my mind again, and I will have all kinds of fears that I don't have now. But I want to remember this moment when all I wanted is to honor Him, without regard of what I want or what will happen to me, because I finally realized that it is not a waste to live for Christ.
One thing for sure, right now, I am totally unfit for a calling like that. My thoughts, my attitudes, and a lot of areas in my life are still under construction. But what do you know? I have a lot of excuses why it's impossible for Him to call me into something as huge as that, but His grace is always sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
