Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

Beyond Normal

I don't really blog about what I learned from the church's Sunday service, but this has to be an exception because I have never been so touched by a pastor's preaching more than this one. I was crying the whole time, and my heart ached more for the nations. Lol, like the message was tailor-made for me, from beginning to end.

I was planning to attend the afternoon service because I already miss Pastor Jun. Haha. But since I stayed up late last night, I had no choice but to attend the last service for the day, at 8PM -- talk about divine intervention. To my surprise, a pastor from China was called up to the stage. Livestream was cut off because of the sensitivity of the information (yes, people, China is a communist nation and restricted from the gospel). Let's call him Pastor Jackie; he said he randomly picked his English name because of Jackie Chan. Hahaha, I already loved him at that very minute. For those of you reading this who went to the same service, I'm sorry, 'cause I can't match up, let alone do justice, to Pastor Jackie's preaching. :)

[caption id="attachment_477" align="alignnone" width="720"] Beyond Normal, Victory Christian Fellowship's current series.[/caption]

 

What's the point?

He read from Acts 16:16-34, about the two miracles that happened when Paul went to Europe. It's better if you read the whole thing before proceeding, just so you guys won't miss anything. (1) On his way to a prayer meeting Paul supernaturally cast out the spirit in the demon-possessed woman in the name of Jesus. She can predict the future and was saying the truth that Paul and Silas were sent by God, but she was not inspired by the Holy Spirit. Pastor Jackie also mentioned Paul's patience because the woman went on for days. Paul did something good, but ended up badly -- beaten and jailed. (2) The prayer meeting continued in prison, for Paul and Silas prayed and sang hymns to God, even when they were suffering in prison. The prisoners were listening to them when a great earthquake suddenly shook the prison, leaving the chains loosed and the doors opened. The prison guard almost killed himself because he thought the prisoners had fled, but Paul called out in a loud voice saying that no one had escaped. The guard then ran in and fell down trembling before Paul and asked, "What must I do to be saved?" The guard took them to his home, and Paul and Silas spoke the word of the Lord to him and his household. They were saved and baptized that very night, thus the second family to be Christians in Europe.

Just a little background, we just finished our corporate Prayer and Fasting for 2013, and Victory Fort's current series is entitled "Beyond Normal". A lot of us are believing for the supernatural to happen in our lives this year, even miracles such as physical healing. But the point was not the two physical miracles that happened to Paul. The point was salvation, for there could be no greater blessing than that. Let us not lose sight of the heart of God, and even sometimes the purpose of the miracles and the sufferings in our lives -- salvation of mankind.

Rend your heart

He then quoted Joel 2:12-13, "'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." God is not asking for you to tear apart your garments, but for you to tear your heart (The Message version: Change your life, not just your clothes). In other words, let your heart be broken for the things that breaks His heart. And this is something so awesome because we don't have to do anything since Jesus did it all on the cross, He's just asking us to surrender our hearts. Pastor Jackie also said that repentance is a loving call from God to go back to Him. He's not angry at us, He just wants us to come back so we may experience God's love and power in its fullness. That verse also states how patient God is with us. There are so many times in the Bible (Isaiah) where God would turn His back on us because of our sins, but the moment we turn to Him and cry out, He immediately turns around, eager to heal the emptiness and the brokenness caused by our sins. I'm personally adding my favorite verse in Numbers (23:19), "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" He loves us, and He's not changing His mind about us even at times when we're so deep in our sin. His promise of redemption is still true now as it was before.

Pastor Jackie started talking about China, and how his church was at the second floor of his home so we can't call them an underground church anymore. Haha! He said that he felt like he was in heaven in Victory Fort, with all the lights, the sound system, and the smoke (LOL). He wished he could take that kind of excellence in China, and at that moment, I felt the hurt of persecution that Christians are experiencing in that nation. That was a place where boldness about God pays a price, and it hurts a lot knowing that we have the privilege to hear and share the gospel, and yet we take it for granted. He said he wanted to stay here, with all the great food and people. But in the end, he still chooses to go back, because his heart breaks knowing that billions of people are living life without the knowledge and the hope of God's saving grace through Jesus Christ. He also told us how he prayed and fasted for the salvation of his dad for many months. His dad finally accepted Christ, and all those wooden idols were thrown out of their home, but it's the idols of the heart that are hard to give up. Personal note: We can't worship God and still have idols in our heart.

After he finished the preaching, he prayed for us to come to repentance to God, and also have a heart that is desperate for His word. When the service ended, I could not pass up the chance to thank him and let him know that I appreciate him. I told Pastor Jackie that his message really touched my heart, and then I asked to pray for him and his family. That's how much I freakin' love him! I have never prayed for a pastor like that, ever. :D And I will continue to pray for him in the days to come.

Why I'm choosing to go

Not too long ago, I was so deep in my sin, and my spiritual sister, Alyanna Camille, asked me to read the same verse in Joel. That was the start of my repentance and commitment to God again. This prayer and fasting, my number one faith goal was God's direction on whether to stay here in the Philippines or go back to Los Angeles. I personally wanted to stay because this is where my comfort zone is, and it doesn't make sense to go to a place where the stronghold is my own weakness. It's like giving myself up to be sabotaged by the enemy. One of my spiritual brothers, Jericho, used Paul's analogy, that it's not always about how God will bless me, but how other people will be blessed through me. Paul suffered in prison, but he reached out to the prisoners, and a household got saved. Paul is one of the people in the Bible that I admire very much because he was called to world missions and was a great apologist (two of the things I want to become, haha). Though no matter how wise the counsel I seek, in the end, God still has the final say.

During prayer and fasting, God was telling me that I should not fear going back. I could no longer imagine myself going back to UP Baguio and reaching out students there. God gave me renewed compassion for my campus in Los Angeles, and even the compassion for the people who have caused persecution and oppression during my stay there. I couldn't deny His calling anymore, it's as if God is saying, "I love these people, and you should reach out to them." But I still struggled to obey, because it's the first time in years when my immediate family is together again, physically. God has been showing me their importance recently, and it hurts to think that I'll be spending the next couple of years in my life without them again. It broke my heart, and I cried out to God. But I also trusted who He is, a God who places such high value on family, and I knew He was going to make a way so I surrendered anyway. God has been confirming this call through the church and my family as well. A week later, I explained to my parents the implications of continuing my studies in L.A., and my mom said she will try to find work there for the duration of college. We might be together after all, I still don't know.

The point is, God is sovereign, His promises are always true, and I can trust wherever He leads me because of His nature and character and because He knows what's best not just for me, but for everyone around me. In the book "My Utmost for His Highest", Oswald Chambers said that the call of God is the expression of His nature. When He calls you to something, it reveals to you what His heart is for. And right now, I am in awe of God's love and compassion for the nations.

SCGMNEXTWAQ4

Questions

Dear Father,

You know what I really want. If I were to be honest, I don't know what I want. Haha. You know it better than I do. So now I'm asking, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go (?), 'cause I only want to be with You. I don't want to fear anything anymore, except that holy fear that I am waiting for You to give me.

I will have to admit that this has been the worst season of my life so far. Up until I left the Philippines, I though that there could be nothing worse than a break-up, or giving my heart away to the wrong person at the wrong time. I thought there was nothing worse than not being in a romantic relationship once I've already been into one. But right now, I just know there is nothing worse than being separated from You. There is nothing worse than breaking Your heart, and having to resist You.

And yet, I know that even in the worst season of my life, You never deserted me. Even in my bondage, You've always been faithful to me and Your promises, 'cause that's who You are. Amusingly, my mentor, Dana, was right. You were going to give me the gift of discernment, that when I go into a room, I would immediately sense the spirits in the atmosphere -- like how I know now that in my own country, no matter my age and maturity, the attacks are more on my emotional purity. The whole duration of being in Los Angeles, the attacks had always been on my sexual purity, ten times worse than when I'm in the Philippines. I'm afraid to go back to L.A., 'cause I don't know if I will grow more if I do. I'm afraid that my flesh is too weak to give in, and that my sin will build a wall so big between You and me again. I'm afraid that I might feel isolated and lonely again, even with my friends and spiritual family around me. I'm afraid that I will have to feel that I don't fit in again. I'm afraid that I will be handed over to the enemy again, even though I know I will go through this with You. I believe fully in You, but I don't believe in myself anymore. Somewhere in between that, I'm afraid to put my trust in You, and then betray You yet again.

If I stay, I don't know if I'm fulfilling Your will here. I don't know if I will get better from the state I'm in. I don't know how to be secure anymore, when everyone around me is trying to get me to be insecure so I can be who they want me to be, for the better. I don't know if it's time for me to rest here, or if I should go and take a bigger leap by going against the opposition and the persecution, even though I failed the first time. I am humbled down, and I don't have peace and joy. It seems like wherever I go without You by my side, I will never have that. But where will You be? Where do You want me to go?

When I realized that You are true to Your promises because that is who You are, I realized that You will come through, no matter what I did for and against You. I wish I have Jonathan's "perhaps" faith, that I may go through the opposition and the persecution again and just say that perhaps the Lord will act on my behalf, because nothing can hinder Him from saving (1 Sam 14:6). But then again when You said I would go out of my comfort zone (and to my shock, to another nation), You also said You will bless me there, and You will bring me back home to my family. I may have gone through hard times, but Your faithfulness is the greatest blessing I can have. Have I already been blessed the way You want to bless me? Is it already time to go back home? How can I know? I don't trust my wisdom at all.

I know that You know what I want. I'm getting an inkling of the idea that at the root of it, all I really want is You. And I know that wherever You lead me, good or bad, will always be for my best. I pray that You will give me the desperation to seek You with all my heart, that I may hear from You. And I pray that You will give me the strength to do what You want, and not fear anymore.

Your Daughter,

Krishna

A Prodigal Daughter's Letter

Dear Father,

I honestly feel like shit. I don't think someone can love a person who never stops screwing up... intentionally. I am such a rebel. I am such a hypocrite. I am incapacitated, and all those stupid metaphors of having no freedom from myself. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am empty. My pride will never admit that I am broken and falling apart. I feel like my life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I am insecure and insignificant. And now I don't think I can ever be where I want to be.

If I cry out to you and knock my pride out of the way, I will only lie that I can change, 'cause I don't think I can. And I will be back to this place again, with my barriers so much worse. I don't want to hope and fool myself again. I am so tired of my weak self. I am so tired of having to lie to you.

But if I keep silent, my life will continue to break and fall apart. I will continue to be meaningless. I won't have the right to talk about you anymore, and my soul will continue to be thirsty. And there will be endless nights of having to go to sleep feeling empty. I will have no passion and compassion. I will rely solely on initiative and willpower, which could be good. And I will forever feel insignificant and insecure.

My faith is dead. My faith is in so many other things which makes grace nonexistent in my life. I don't believe that kind of grace will ever reach me, and stay. I might as well say goodbye to you, 'cause I can continue to try, but I will only be frustrated. Both roads lead me there, anyway. I can deny you, but I believe that you will never go away, so now I can't say you're the one that got away. But this is my choice, and I know I will never be happy with it. My broken heart might someday say, "You're all I needed all this time," but my pride will not admit that I was wrong. And even if you are all I needed, my pride will say you wouldn't have loved me anyway.

My pride is shitty. I am shitty. The truth is I can't go on without you, and it makes no sense to even choose with the choices I'm given. So strip me of my pride, and humble me down however you want, whatever it takes. They say that you will break me, and it will hurt. But I don't care as long as I end up with you.

'Cause you have shown me your heart, and I have seen who you really are. They say that I can not see the truth and still stay the same. I don't know because I don't trust myself. So here I am again at your feet. I know I've blown my chances, but I think there will never be a time that not even the smallest part of me believes that you are who you say you are.

Take this humility that's still left of me. Take all the broken pieces if you can find them. And save me. Save me from myself.

Your daughter,

Grace Happens

 

I don't really have something structured in my mind right now.

I am just sorry that I haven't been fair. I know this past year has been generally painful. I feel like I have been in a storm all throughout, with a few breaks, thankfully. But even then, I am just thankful. I have nothing else to say. I am shaking just thinking about how faithful God is in my life. I know there's been so much hurt in my life, but I would never have it any other way. 'Cause now I see how God is so faithful to someone so unfaithful like me. That is more beautiful than any other material blessing I could have.

I am thankful, because now I can proudly say that I have let go, and I have healed. That doesn't mean that some things won't hurt anymore, but there would be that astounding peace and joy. I am finally at rest, knowing that I am in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it takes you such a long time to stop holding on to the things that make your heart break. Sometimes it's not really easy. Sometimes, the end of it is not as special as you've imagined it to be. How do you really know when it's all over and you came out of it the way you should?

Peace.

And oh, one more thing...

Grace happens here. :)

\\\\\\\\\Yes, people. Present tense.

 

Thank you, Jesus. ♥

Once you find your major, it feels like home

My best friend Nikki once told me, "Once you know your genre, it feels like home." Knowing my vocal strengths and having a love affair with Early Jazz and Bossa Nova is similar to finding the right fit of college major for me. I'm not even exaggerating. In every single minute of my Cultural Anthropology classes, my mind is screaming, "Finally, this is everything I've ever wanted to do!"

Okay, backtrack to my post last year:

You might think it’s not important because people end up not using their degree on their jobs anyway, but I want to be able to choose a major which will glorify Him the most. What good is taking up a major that my family wants (eg. computer science, or accounting), or that I want (eg. theater or philosophy) if it doesn’t have something to do with God’s calling in my life? Though I am very sure He won’t let that happen, because things perfectly fall into place, for everything that happens is part of His plan.

I know I can honor God with whatever career I will choose, but the question now is, which will glorify Him most in my life? So the choice is not mine, but His, because He obviously knows what’s best.

**You can read the full post here.

For two years, I have prayed for God to reveal the major He wants me to take, and I got no response. I've started college and everything, and still no answer. Looking back, I feel like He's been working on it, though that's just from my point of view. So now I'm sharing how messy my life was without the direction or purpose that is really intended specifically for me. :) And yes, I don't believe in coincidences.

WARNING: This section contains senseless bragging. Please don't take it seriously. :D

Senior year of high school, I was filling out the UP college admission form. I put Diliman as my first choice of campus, with Theater and Broadcast Communication as my top 2 majors. Then I put Baguio (for some reason) as my second choice of campus, with Communication and Social Anthropology as my top 2 majors. Baguio is also home to the Cordillera Studies Center -- UP's research arm focusing on the indigenous cultures of the Cordillera mountains. I got accepted for their Communication program, and remained clueless about Social Anthropology. I only chose SocAn 'cause it sounded smart. Haha! I excelled in my major because I love writing, researching, and public speaking. (And because I am the cramming type of student who has a very hyped up short-term memory during long exams, or long-term if I go without reviewing, and can write a 5-page paper in under an hour. [insert evil laugh here])

Kidding aside, the time came for me to apply for transfer to the flagship campus, which is UP Diliman. I fell in-love with Philosophy while studying at Baguio because of that adrenaline rush I always get when I argue. I was taking my chances at Diliman and applying for whatever is available. I was also taking summer classes so I wasn't able to take the exam for Broadcast Communication and Film. When the day came for me to take the exam for Philosophy, I had to renew my passport so I was not able to come. All that was left for me was Anthropology, so I came in for the interview and got accepted. I remember the professor who interviewed me asking if I would choose Anthro over Philo, and what I wanted to do with Anthro, and if I'd be willing to spend years of my life doing fieldwork. I was scared of the thought back then. Years of my life for a freakin' research?! I just answered yes to his questions, but at the back of my head I was saying, "NO WAY." I'm not sure if he could tell I was lying. Hahaha!

I didn't go through with it because I got my student visa, and transferred here at the United States. The major on my I-20 was Accounting, which was then changed to Computer Science, and back again. I also had this crazy thought of majoring in Criminal Justice, fantasizing about working in the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit someday. :P A few months after struggling with the thought of myself working in an office doing a mainstream job, I wrote a letter to my parents expressing my real feelings about what major I want to take and the awareness of what kind of life I would have if I chose that major.

So last summer, I finally settled for Communication. Something still bothered me, though. I just didn't feel satisfied. Communication is already part of my life; I didn't have to major in it. But I knew for sure I was particularly interested in Intercultural Communication. I love travelling and studying about cultures. The real premise of studying here in the United States is not to get a better job when I graduate, but to be trained for world missions, because that's what I really wanted. I wasn't surprised when I was brought here to Los Angeles, the melting pot of different world cultures.

Fall semester came, and I was frustrated 'cause all I got was 12 units, almost all of which are night classes. I had to register for GEs I needed to transfer to USC, and so I stumbled upon a Cultural Anthropology class. Little did I know that my heart was going to be set upon something. I love every bit of that class, and the more I discover about other people's cultures and behaviors, the more I knew that it was definitely for me. Fieldwork doesn't seem like a waste of time anymore, but more like an investment on people's lives, building relationships with them, and seeing how amazingly unique and diverse God's creation is. And maybe after that, God would show me how He's reaching out to His people in the midst of culture.

I joined the Anthropology Society in my campus soon afterwards,  and it feels amazing to be surrounded by people who are also knowledgeable about different cultures, and has that same hunger to know more about people and their behaviors. There hasn't been any formal declaration of this major yet, but just knowing that another piece of the puzzle of that purpose set specifically for me is now falling into place gives me joy. It definitely feels like home. :)

God has perfect timing, never early and never late. The choice has been there all along, and He knew I never would have chosen it without knowing about it and really loving it. Those two years of waiting is worth it. All along, I knew that He is in control of every detail in my life. That being said, I held on to the thought that there's a specific direction He wants me to take when it comes to my major, no matter how insignificant it may seem. There's a joy that comes when you're doing what you are called to do. :)

 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.   -Romans 12:2

Ten Days Baja 2012 Recap

 

I have ignored checking out this video for the longest time. And when I did, I just started crying and crying and crying. I missed the mission trip. I missed how God blessed us in another nation. I missed all that I've learned and how God changed me through this.

And the good thing is, those things never stop. God never stops working. Wherever you are is the mission field. We're all called to share the gospel and overflow with God's love in so many ways. :)

Watch this video and enjoy. And if you want to know my personal experiences on this trip, click here.

Where does my hope come from?

Last night, I realized that my life is totally out of control. I came here to Los Angeles with a plan in mind. I would transfer in two years with an associate degree, and be admitted in an academically excellent university. I kept adjusting my plans to fit what I discovered as reality here. The tuition is expensive, and my plan was rather feasible if I had the time and money to go with it. Add that up to the expectation that I'm supposed to graduate in four years, which I doubt will happen.

In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.

My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.

It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.

When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.

I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.

Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.

My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."

Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.

We're revamping! :D

Yes, you heard that right, dear readers. We are revamping this blog as a symbol of stepping into a new season of my life, and loving it! :) LOL. I know I've stepped into that season a long time ago, but this is when I am actually aware of it. I also did this not over a year ago when I was coming clean and in need of change. I still love my present theme, but it's just that sometimes we have to embrace change and growth. Who wants to be stagnant in anything anyway?

[caption id="attachment_450" align="alignnone" width="573"] Present theme, before we make any changes. :D[/caption]

 

So what is this season, you might ask. A season of continued healing, academic excellence, singlehood, discipleship, fear of the Lord, and an intimacy with my God and Savior like never before. Some of those things may just be for a short period of time, and some may last longer.

I'd like to stress about this area: I never knew there is a circumstance such as having a lot of love for the Lord, and not so much fear of Him. Pray that I get to have a healthy dose of fear and reverence for God. It may be weird, but the last time I got tempted right in front of my face, I didn't run from it. But God reminded me of my pastor saying, "The fear of the Lord will keep you from sinning. And when you have that fear, you will have no other fear." It definitely kept me, and I think I need more of that.

But this is here and now and I'm embracing it and expecting that I'll come out of the season/s with complete healing of all the brokenness in my past, full joy and wholeness, bearing good fruits in discipleship, a renewed patience for waiting on God first and then my man, enjoying a deeper relationship with Christ, and being more mature and Christ-like. I think some of those things are areas we never stop growing in.

\\ This is here and now. It may be hard, but it's all worth it.

P.S. I will be changing the design a couple of times before I stick to one. Please don't get too confused. :)

Prom and the Great Unknown

DISCLAIMER: I know the intro sucks, but stick around. XD

Prom. People say it's one of the best things that will happen in your life. I am one of those girls who, at one point of their lives, existed for prom. That one point may just be for a few minutes. But I keep wondering why certain things seem convincing that it could change our lives.

I wish I could say I hoped my last dance would last forever, but I never even got to dance with my special someone that night. I smiled my way through, and no one knew it was one of the unhappiest moments of my life. I cried myself to sleep that day. Looking back, I can't even feel a tinge of pain that I had felt. I felt ugly, unwanted, and unloved, but not anymore. Maybe this is what healing feels like. It's surprising when you don't even care about the past. My 15-year-old self would never have bought the idea that what mattered to me then would not really matter to me now. Who would have known that after all those years of boy hunting and insecurity, there would actually be a time that I would genuinely not care about boys? Who would have thought that the confident girl who had so many friends in high school would actually be an introvert who finds it hard to build deep relationships with new people? And who would have foreseen that I'd be a total opposite of who I was before?


God totally saw that coming. In fact, I think He's the mastermind of whatever I'm going through right now. I'm beginning to think that the phrase "people change" is so underrated. People would usually see that in a person when a person's change affects them and it's so obvious. But what about what's happening inside of a person? Do we usually take the time to know what's really going on even when it's not affecting us? No one would have known I'm going through this season when I feel totally unsure of who I am. Now, I can say that God knows me better and really believe it. I still talk to my old friends the same way. I'm still the fun, jolly, assertive, and demanding Krishna. But when I'm around new people, I find it so hard to initiate a conversation, and I can't take small talk. It's like literally living two lives, and that's not new at all.

Before this time in my life, I would claim to be a Christian, go to church, and impart really wise stuff to my youth group, but my integrity was falling apart. What I do when no one's around is what matters. It is the time when it's just the two of us -- God and me -- and I would boldly disregard him and do something wrong. I realized that what I feel right now -- invisible, unwanted, and uninteresting -- might be exactly what God is feeling whenever I sin in secret. I can never know how desperately He wants to be with me, but I know that the intensity of it so great that it cost Him his son. Thankfully, my integrity is now founded on grace, and I don't have to try so hard with my own effort because I know God will come through. I think He wants me to learn something from this. First, relationships takes time and effort. Second, whenever I feel insecure, I just have to be firm in faith that God knows what I feel and I am who He says I am: loved, wanted, accepted, valuable, and a daughter of the most high God.

I am writing because my heart goes out to all the people who feel misunderstood and could not speak up, whether they are Christians or not. I am sure God does not want us to feel alone, cause He's always there. But the church is a family, and no one's supposed to feel that way when you're part of it -- not even me. I'm trying hard, but sometimes I just can't get through, so I thank all the people who took the time to reach out, sit with me, and sincerely listen to what I have to say. It's easy to overlook people who feel so lonely and frustrated because they can't fit in. A person could smile and say hi, and we wouldn't know what they're really feeling. We cannot assume that people do not want to open up, because they do at some point. Sometimes we just have to ask 'cause they're not really trying hard. It's easy to accept people when you don't see the baggage that they're hiding. And I believe there's a yearning in everyone to be able to hold their head up high and know that someone accepts them for who they are no matter what.

If you have only started to know me now, you wouldn't know that I was a selfish girl who always talked about myself. I thought people wanted to hear me out, and they actually listened. For all I know, they were forcing themselves to bear with me cause the things I was saying were not even worth it. Now I'm on the other side of things. I can't even say anything without fearing that I'd make the conversation awkward, or what I had to say is not interesting. So many people out there just want to be heard. So go hear them out, listen, and really care about them, not because you want them to do the same when it's your turn to talk, but just really having that passion to see what God is doing in that person's life, and knowing what they need. When it's all said and done, you might just have the right words to tell them. Maybe you would do that to a person you want to minister to, but you just never know. The most unlikely people might be the ones who need it the most.

Silly me. I'm talking to a blog. Until now, no one has known my prom was devastating. A few people know that I'm going through this right now, including you. But that's our little secret. Ross Frazier just walked out of the church door saying, "You'll make it. If it means anything, you'll make it." Funny, he doesn't even know I'm writing this. I know seasons come and go, but we never know how long it's going to last. God does give the right people in my life whom I can tell the whole truth about myself to, and I won't be feeling this in the future. But while I'm here, I'm making the most out of it. God has put me on the other side of the fence and I have a feeling that a lot of people are walking around feeling this way more that I have imagined.

Ten Days Baja 2012 Diaries

Dear Partners,

I would love to share with you my amazing journey to Baja, Mexico. And I would love to thank you for giving and praying for me and the team. God has completely answered your prayers, and has honored your faith. So many people were saved, and the Holy Spirit did awesome things. I hope you have the perseverance to read them since they're pretty long. But I'm sure it will bless you a lot, as you move on from day to day. These stories are interconnected with one another. And I have written them in a very personal way to tell you that you did not only bless the Ten Days team and the Baja Christian Ministry, but you have blessed me personally as well. :)

• Ten Days Baja: Day 1 - Faith


• Ten Days Baja: Day 2 - Compassion


• Ten Days Baja: Day 3 - Perseverance


• Ten Days Baja: Day 4 - Anointing


• Ten Days Baja: Day 5 - Revelation


• Ten Days Baja: Day 6 - Thankfulness

As I go back my ordinary life, I know that I am never the same, and my extraordinary God will keep doing amazing things. I am assured that He will bless you even more for giving and praying for something that is so dear to His heart. 'Til our next Ten Days Mission Experience! I hope that you will be going with me next time!

Sincerely,

Krishna

Ten Days Baja: Day 6 - Thankfulness

I couldn't sleep last night after what happened. It was one of the most beautiful things that happened in my life. I tried to sleep, and woke up an hour after. So I just continued packing my bags, and we left Rosarito Inn at 5AM. We were with people from Virginia and Washington D.C., and their flights were early in the morning, around 9AM. The traffic was heavy in the border. When they stopped us, I told the officer that I have a student visa, and I have a new I-20 because I changed my major. He approved of everyone's passports, but he directed us to secondary inspection so they can stamp my new I-20. I didn't know I needed the stamped one. But they would never let me in without it. :P


It took them a few minutes to process my I-20, and the van had to leave me behind and race to the airport. It was okay with me, God has given me so much favor. I know the people from Virginia and Washington D.C. were worried that they would miss their flights, but I was just so sure God will make a way for them. The one who processed my document was Filipino, his last name is Exconde, and after he was done, he told me I should pay $6 at the office. I told him I didn't have any money with me, so he paid for it! I was so blessed at that time, and I didn't worry at all cause I know God will come through.

I stayed at McDonalds after crossing the border. I was kind of hungry so I prayed for breakfast. Weirdly enough, a person left his pancake untouched on the table beside me. As in he already left the place! It was so funny. But I didn't eat it, I thought someone else might need it more than I do. Pastor Dave and Tony came back for me, and we went to Chikin-Fil-A to pick up the others and continue on our way to Morning Star Christian Church in Los Angeles. When we got to Chikin-Fil-A, they already bought food for me: chicken fillet sandwich, potato fries, and a large coke. It was satisfying. Hahaha.

At Morning Star Christian Church, with the Ten Days team! :D

I was kind of troubled that my aunt won't be able to pick me up, since I had a lot of things with me. It was silly, because again, I knew God will come through for me. Kuya Jonathan offered me a ride home. God is blessing me in so many ways. But when I got home, I had all these kinds of emotions bothering me. I was filled with joy, but at the same time, I was so sad because I already miss my team mates. Why does something so beautiful have to end already? T_T

I added all of them on facebook, and I just surrendered all these feelings to God, and prayed for comfort. I was crying for an hour! Haha. But I am thankful that He has let this amazing thing happen in my life, and for doing something great inside of me. I know the hard part has just begun. And I would need so much grace to be able to focus on God at all times, and have the strength to share His love and compassion to the people around me every day. I know I would need to have total reliance on the Holy Spirit to be able to share the gospel with boldness and conviction to other people. And I pray that I would wake up every single day with a missional mindset, and so much eagerness for this great cause -- to reach the lost for Christ.

I give back all the glory to God, none of this is done by my own strength, ability or wisdom. And I thank Him for touching my heart seven years ago, and letting me know of His saving grace and unfailing love. I thank Him for never letting go of me, and for always being there for me. I thank Him that He has been faithful to work in my life ever since, that I have come to this very moment to tell people about it. And I thank Him because there's more to come.

Wherever He leads me, I will follow. He's taking me to another journey after this! Joy and I will be organizing a walk for Stop Child Trafficking Now, and I'm sure God will show me His glory once again. I'm so excited to go to another Ten Days trip. And yay! I get to partner with Manny in prayers as he goes to India for his next Ten Days trip. God has given me the heart for India, and you can be sure that someday I will go to that place to do His will. God won't give us a desire in our heart if He's not planning to fulfill it. :D

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; let everything within me praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-5

Ten Days Baja: Day 5 - Revelation

God never fails to surprise me. I thought yesterday was my best day, but He kept on exceeding my expectations! Haha. So today we went to the church we just built, and we attended the Sunday service. One of my team mates shared her testimony, and Jessica translated for the whole service. It was soooo amazing! Worship was both in Spanish and English, but more Spanish. And it's cool, cause even though I didn't understand the language, the worship was just the same; like literally worshiping in spirit and in truth. After the beautiful message, the pastor of the church prayed for the Ten Days team. I remembered feeling so fired up. He was shouting, and in great joy and declaration. He said something like this, "Thank you Ten Days team! Keep hearing the voice of God. Thank you because you heard Him when He said, 'Go to Mexico!' and you went. And I knew you would come because everyday I kept claiming that He would send His warriors!"

The Baja Mission Trip facebook page said this, "Our team had the opportunity to meet the pastor of this church. He was so grateful! He told our team the story of how his church began as a small group of people meeting in a home to worship God and meet together. Quickly their meeting grew into 3 meetings in 3 houses. The church had prayed fervently for God to give them a church building. They collected the money to buy land, and continued to pray. As they prayed, they got a sense from the Lord that someone was going to build a church for them. And guess what? That someone was us!" It's amazing how God touches our hearts and uses His people to do His will, and how He does amazing things when a person would obey.

Click photo to enlarge.

People in the church worshiping in their new church building. Photo courtesy of Elaine Dimal.

After the prayer, one of my team mates, Troy, prayed for the fire of the Holy Spirit to come down on us, so the people in the church would receive baptism of the Holy Spirit. We started laying hands on the people of the church. The Ten Days team were speaking in tongues, praying for healing, prophesying, and manifesting other gifts of the Holy Spirit. And it was a wonderful sight to see how God generously gives His gifts when people ask. People in the church were crying, shaking, and some were even on the ground. It was powerful! It was my first time to lay hands on someone for the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speak tongues so loud like that. After that, they called for people who would like to be baptized in water, and publicly declare that they are following God, and that they are a new creation.

It was so exciting, cause I got to baptize two people I had prayed for, a mother and her daughter. After the service, I asked help from my team mate Sandra to translate for me. We talked to a boy whose middle name is Angel, and I told him that God was telling me earlier that He will break the chains and destroy everything that stands in the way for him to fully follow Christ. And he thanked us both. Sandra said he was praying to follow God and love Him more when we were laying hands on them. He was so eager, and I have never seen this kind of eagerness of a whole church to really give their lives up to Christ.

It can be summarized by this picture. Haha. Photo courtesy of Rubyrose Tapnio.

After that, we went home, and I knew I was being attacked by the enemy because I have these sudden depressions. Joy was telling me that I am above and over the enemy, and I have the power to step on it and move on. She also said (out of nowhere) that, "You are a woman of honor and dignity. It's something that you are, and you can't earn it. God has made you that way. And when you realize that, you'll be able to stop comparing yourself to other people, whether you were able to do more awesome things than they did, or vice versa, cause either way God gets the glory. And you can be happy for them. It's the confidence that you don't have to earn anything or be better than someone, but to focus on uniting with each other to glorify God." It's funny because that's exactly what I needed to hear. And then Cara blessed me when she said I have a beautiful spirit, although I'm wondering what that means. But it's a gift, and I'm receiving it and thanking her for it.

The name bracelets I bought.

Then we went shopping. I bought a pancho for my brother cause his birthday is coming near, although I won't see him until December. I bought a beautiful bag, and handmade bracelets for my parents and my best friends. And then slept with my sleeping buddies, Alex and Elaine. Haha. We missed the dinner and the service, which was sad. And since we were leaving early in the morning, like 4:30 AM, I went to my team mates' room to say goodbye. I went to Pastor Daniel & Mari Hernandez's room first, but they weren't there. Until the shadow of my team mate Manny led me to this room, and everyone was there! Hihi, I thought God made it easier for me. I thought they were having a team meeting of some sort, but it turned out it was a more personal meeting, for the Midcities Church, but others were also there. I said that I only came to say goodbye and to eat cause I missed dinner. I wasn't supposed to be there, but Pastor Daniel said I can stay cause they're adopting me. It was sweet.

He asked us about one thing that happened to us in the trip that has really blown our minds away, or made a big impact on us. For some, it was the overflowing love of God, that there was just so much love every where. Pastor Daniel said it was easy to love people here in Baja because we didn't stay long enough to see all the baggage that they have, but in our own team, people have such painful pasts, and even when knowing that, there was the kind of love and acceptance for that person, regardless of who that person was. To love like God loves us, no matter how shameful the lives we have led, is such a powerful thing.

For Manny, it was patience. Because his wonderful experience happened last minute. I have to do this special mention cause it was really touching. God has given him compassion, that he is able to weep and identify with the feelings of a person. There was doubt of his manliness because of many reasons (and because he cries). But I later found out that he lacked a father figure. We prayed for him, and it was an intimate moment when Pastor Daniel offered to be his spiritual father. We prayed that even when He didn't have that father figure, God is His father, and He is the perfect model of a man to learn from. And even though God is powerful and mighty, he weeps for his children when they are broken hearted. Our God is a compassionate God.

For others, it is sharing our testimony. Exposing the most vulnerable parts of ourselves, letting go of the past, risking what people would think of us, so that we can glorify God and how He has wonderfully written the story of our lives. Some are in the process of healing, but with the confidence of God's redemption and faithfulness in their lives. In God's own time, I know everyone of us will be able to forgive the people who have wronged us, and even pray for their salvation. Surprisingly, so many of us have been sexually and even physically abused when we were children. They have hidden that past for so many years, that they have never told anyone about it. But this trip changed them, that they finally started letting go, and fully realize who they are in Christ. Before I got here, I was already sharing my testimony with other people personally, because I made it a personal mission to minister to people struggling with the same things. But to share my real testimony in front of so many people, and conscious of what my team mates would think of me, it was hard. Elaine had ministered to me before I got here, and she led me to a prayer of real repentance. And I was able to do it, like I was shedding every last bit of shame there is in my life, and declaring that the old has gone and the new has come. And what's so amazing is that I can stand before God's children and know that I will not be judged, and they will accept me no matter what.

They prayed for those of us who experienced sexual abuse when we were young, and as a result, led to many sexual sins. Pastor Nico, a pastor in Baja, prayed for us in Spanish. I couldn't understand what He was saying, but I saw a vision of chains being broken, and of a person screaming in anger and hurt. That person was being torn down slowly (literally physical), and when it was done, all that was left was the same person deep inside, but cleansed, pure, and so peaceful. It was wonderful. And the enemy was screaming so loud because all the hard work they've put on us is already gone. Meanwhile, one of us heard, "It's okay. It's okay to let go." (Fast forward to my devotion that night, I read from Psalm 118:5, "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.")

After that, Daniel, my team leader, prayed for Pastor Nico, and I prayed for his wife Criselda. I prophesied that she would be a comfort and encouragement to many people, just as God has comforted her throughout her life. I prayed that she would always give strength to her husband. I prayed for hope, strength, perseverance, provision, and a wonderful marriage for them both.

Lastly, I told everyone in the room this story. It was last year when God said, "You're going to America, cause I'm training you for something great." The premise of that is world missions. And I know He's been preparing me for it, because He has brought me to places far from my family. I mean, my family is always there for me, and I love them. But there are years in my life when they had to work in another country, and He has given me the opportunity to study in a far school in the Philippines. So it's hard for me to build really deep relationships now, cause I keep distancing myself, or I don't usually open my heart to people that much, and I try not to get attached because I want to be okay and independent when they aren't there for me physically. Plus it's hard to enter a new spiritual family that's already been there for years and you're just new. So the most beautiful thing that God has given me in this trip is family. I know I've been telling God, "I'm okay, You're enough for me." But He keeps telling me, "No, you need a family." I have opened my heart for the spiritual family I have in this trip. And I want to thank those people who have always included me with them. For Mari for being so sweet and always wanting to spend time with me, for Pastor Daniel for adopting me, and for the rest of the Texas-Hawaii team for accepting me for who I am. And little by little, through this trip, I am building deeper relationships with my spiritual family in Los Angeles. And I will have to trust God to be able to open myself fully to other people.

This day has been a long and beautiful day. A day of family, and spiritual gifts of visions, tongues, and prophecy that God has freely given me. And a day of revelations of what He is doing in my life. I would've missed it, but He showed it to me.

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:17-19

Ten Days Baja: Day 4 - Anointing

I am so confident that today is the best day of my entire trip! :) Let me start with what I did last night just before I wrote my journal entry. I was praying to God, because I knew the enemy was distracting me and attacking my weaknesses in terms of integrity (my selfishness issues, giving glory to myself than to God, thirst for attention, etc.). I was crying out to Him because I definitely cannot do it on my own, it takes so much grace from Him. So when I woke up this morning, it was gone. I felt so peaceful, that I didn't have to worry about anything. I also prayed that I would minister to a person who has been going through a lot, and a future leader in the community and the country.

As I was eating breakfast, Joy Lee told me she had a vision of me in the darkness. In the vision, I looked so confused and probably in distress, and I was turning my head to different directions because I didn't know where to go. Then she told me that she felt God wants her to tell me, "Your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear. Your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." She was reading from Isaiah 58 at that time. She said it was a promise, as a result of true fasting. It's interesting because the room where I'm staying at is overlooking all the lights in the city. And last night I asked God, "Are these lights enough?" So when Joy told me that, I was surprised, but I didn't know what it meant (until now, actually).

Click picture to enlarge. Photo courtesy by Elaine Dimal.

(Left) People who came after we came knocking on their doors. (Right) Elaine & Sandra with beautiful girls.

Briana got bitten by a pitbull, but no deep marks! :D This girl gave a very powerful testimony that day.

After breakfast, they had people volunteer for construction at the build sites. I went with the others to our evangelism site somewhere quite near that place. And it was cool cause all the teams were together in this. We knocked on every door and every street down the park in that place. A lot of people came, but it was fewer than before. When people started sharing their testimony in public, and when Pastor Ramon preached, I just felt the Holy Spirit really moving in that place. The team prayed quietly for open hearts to receive Jesus Christ. It's amazing cause the things they said tackled almost every issue in Christianity. It was like a total covering of the Holy Spirit. I saw a boy who was listening eagerly as the pastor was talking, and the word "leader" kept repeating in my head. I knew that God has a wonderful plan for him and that he will lead people to Christ in the future. But I wasn't able to pray for him because he went away quickly.

(Left) With them guys from Morning Star Christian Church, LA. (Left) Having fun at the fiesta with Terrance Piñata!

Then there was this woman, and everytime I looked at her, the word "darkness" was in my mind. I was choosing who to pray for between the boy and her, because we didn't have much time, and we had to go back to the main site for the fiesta. I grabbed one translator, and started praying for the woman. Her name is Victoria. I told her that God will be her hope and her strength, that He is always with her, that God loves her, and will never leave her alone. I told her that she has been through times of darkness in her life, but God will be her light. I told her that God was telling me that even though she has felt so alone and hurt, even when she thinks she can't go on anymore, God will be with her, and He knows what she is feeling. When the prayer ended, I saw that she was crying. I gave her a hug, but I didn't have the chance to ask what she was going through since I had to go to the bus. But this is what I will definitely take home with me when I leave Mexico: no matter what hardship a person is going through, it will turn their lives around when they see the truth that God knows what they feel, and he's been through even worse just to have a personal relationship with us. He is for us, and He will never leave us.

(Left) One of the beautiful families in the fiesta. (Right) Clowns presenting a skit and sharing the gospel as well.

We left the place to go to the church we just built, where the fiesta will be held. I played with the kids, blew bubbles, danced, and had so much fun! After the games and the activities, the clowns presented a skit, and I was surprised because after that, they shared the gospel in a way that just blew me away. So many kids, and even their parents, accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. We started praying for the kids, and I couldn't stop crying. I had just witnessed the best altar call of my life done by clowns, with a super amazing grace from God. I felt the sincerity of the kids, and in my heart, I heard God telling me so clearly, "Don't you see what I am doing? These are the leaders that I will raise up. I have such a wonderful plan for them." I did not only minister to one future leader, but to more than a hundred! It was like something was lifted before my eyes, and I can finally see what God was doing all along. Yesterday, so many kids received Jesus in their life. But it wasn't until God revealed it to me that I realized my prayer had already been answered. If I was exploding with amazement yesterday, I am exploding with so much joy and awe for my sovereign God right now.

(Left) So many kids and parents were listening. (Center) These two have such a beautiful family. 

(Right) With Valentina and Israel. She's 18 years old, pregnant with her second kid. :)

With Eduard, the kid I have been praying for. :D

When I came home, I felt the fire in me burning. We went out to eat Tacos and Quesadilla, and I told some of my team mates of the amazing things God did. Even when we got back to the hotel, I've been wanting to cry. I stayed in the room of Pastor Daniel and Mari Hernandez, and I got the chance to tell Pastor Peter (the one who led the Ten Days team) about my experience with God today. Weirdly enough, the weight was lifted. As if I just had to tell him that. He said that he remembered my name because I had a powerful testimony. That was a blessing. I knew there was a reason why I had been through those painful and shameful things that happened in my life. So He can redeem me and show the power and love that there is on the cross. He planned for this moment to happen when I will be able to share my testimony, and glorify Him.

(Left) With the guys who made my name bracelet. (Right) Authentic Mexican Quesadilla with pastor meat.

My life definitely changed. Something inside me was stirred and turned upside down, and I just know I will never be the same after this trip. God has anointed every single member of the Ten Days team to minister to people. He could've just made us follow him or destroy us in a flick of a finger, but He chose to touch our hearts; and being an instrument in this process is truly amazing. I am so grateful that God gave me a shot in this. There are so many wrong things in my life, but the only right thing that happened to me is God and His unfailing love. He is faithful to work in and through me.

"You know of Jesus of Nazareth, how God anointed Him with the Holy Spirit and with power, and how He went about doing good, and healing all who were oppressed by the devil; for God was with Him." Acts 10:38

"God has anointed me with the Holy Spirit and with power. God is working through me to heal those who are oppressed by the devil. I speak His Word with boldness, and utterance is given to me as I open my mouth. The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring the good news to the afflicted, to bind up the brokenhearted, and to proclaim liberty to the captives. I proclaim His anointed word in power and the Holy Spirit in full conviction." (Acts 10:38; Ephesians 6:19; Isaiah 61:1; 1 Corinthians 2:4; 1 Thessalonians 1:5)

Tonight, I started looking at the lights I see from my window in a different perspective. Those lights are like the children of God, shining in the light of His glory, even in the darkness. And when they come together, they will shine like never before. I settled with that, but He promised for an even greater light. He promised I would reflect His light that the darkness I face will just be like noonday. I can't wait. :)

Ten Days Baja: Day 3 - Perseverance

Ola, mi amigos! :) I am so sleepy and tired right now, but I shall do this for you, and for me, too. Haha. I don't want to forget this day ever.

Since we did building construction all day yesterday, we went out to the neighborhoods here in Baja today to evangelize. IT WAS SO AWESOME! I cannot explain, but God deserves my praise for His awesomeness right there. The evangelism sites were pretty far, like an hour drive from the place we were staying at.

What I wake up to every morning.

In the morning, we went out knocking on every door in the streets within a mile radius of the church in our first site. It was amazing! The people really came to the place where we told them we will be meeting. About 250 people showed up. No one even said no. It was just not what we expected. It was amazing when we saw their openness and their willingness to come and hear about God. They were so welcoming and nice. We visited a low-income government housing site, and it really opened my eyes and see how blessed these people were, that even though they didn't have the money for material things, they lived very simple lives. And the happiness that they have is just different. I'm claiming the promise of God that He hears the cries of the poor and the needy. He will rescue them and provide for them.

Click the picture to enlarge. Photo Courtesy of Elaine Dimal.

 

(Left) With the kids I love. Giving them the bracelets on my hand. (Right) That's how many heard the gospel in our first site.

I was really nervous, and I didn't prepare to share my testimony. But I figured God will give me the right words to say. I got to share my testimony there, about how God rescued me from guilt and shame, and the long history of sexual sin passed on by the generations before me. I told them of how His grace sustains me, and that when Jesus died, His blood covers my sin, and when God looks at me, He sees the perfection of His son. I told them that no matter what my past is, God won't love me less, and I can stop trying hard to earn God's love because nothing I do can make Him love me more that He does now. He already loves me so much. After the altar call, we gave out Bibles and Purple Books to the locals who signed up so they can be contacted by the church nearby. I prophesied peace on one girl who received Jesus, and prayed for an old woman who said, "Thank you for coming. I didn't know. I didn't know. But now I know." And it just makes my heart explode. At that point, I couldn't see my impact in what we did, but right now, I'm realizing that her soul was at stake right there. I made a difference in the life of one person. And if we didn't come, she wouldn't have known God's unfailing love and His grace that saves.

(Left) Pastor Peter Dusan and Pastor Ramon, translating English and Spanish. (Right) Bibles and Purple Books underneath. :)

Another group of people, about 250 and more, came to our second evangelism site meeting place. I was able to prophesy for hope and blessings to two people. There wasn't a church near that area, so the Baja Christian Ministries was looking for a pastor who will be overseeing the people we will be reaching out to. So there's this pastor they knew, and my friend Peter met this person. The pastor told him, "You wouldn't believe this, but three years ago, I received Christ when a group of people came to our town. But after that I moved to this far place, and all I have is a Bible and a Purple Book." See that? AMAZING! That's a divine appointment right there. That pastor received Christ when a group of people from a mission trip came to his town three years ago, and God has sent him to the town where we went. And now he has a Bible, a Purple Book, and a church of 150 people!

(Left) Going together with my team, Green Team! (Right) Started walking down the street of the second site.

Earlier today, I have seen 500 people come to know more about God, and hundreds of people give their life to Jesus Christ. God is really in control, like He hand-picked every single one of us going to this trip, and the people we'll be meeting. There are other amazing stories, but I'll leave that for the video blog. One of those things were when Elaine and I were randomly given (at the elevator) these sets of bracelets and cards that represent important things in the Bible to give out to people as we evangelized. You'd be amazed on how much that bracelet made chain reactions, divine appointments, and affected so many lives. Well, not really the bracelet, but the God who planned all this at the perfect time. And it's a privilege to be used by Him.

(Left) So many kids went in front to receive Jesus in their hearts. (Right) People listening to Claudia's testimony.

I know the other teams were really tired due to construction work, and oddly enough, I was even more tired today than yesterday. We walked from street to street to knock and invite them to hear God's word and receive a gift. I was literally dragging my feet one step forward. It was so hot, and my feet were beat. But Pastor Ramon was just so excited and we prayed for strength and energy to be able to do that for a second time. That's perseverance right there. When we came back to Rosarito Inn for fellowship and recap, God revealed something to me while worshipping. He said, "That's what I am willing to do for you. And even more, I would die on the cross for you." That touched my heart so deep, that I began to have this passion inside of me. This trip ain't over yet. I'm still waiting to minister to more people and see miracles in the days to come. I'm looking forward to prophesy to people and let God turn their lives upside down. Those who are praying for me, I want to thank you right now! Persevere in your prayers as well. I know it takes a few extra minutes to do so, but it's worth it.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

"I imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. I do not lose heart in doing good, for in due time I shall reap the harvest if I do not grow weary. I run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith."

At the end of the day, it's a personal thing, just between me and God. And I fix my eyes on Him. I couldn't have made it this far if it weren't for Him. All the glory is His. :)

Ten Days Baja: Day 2 - Compassion

Today we departed Rosarito to go to the build sites. I am just blown away by the fact that it is actually possible to build a building with complete package in just one day! The two green teams were assigned to build-site 3, a far, rocky road from build-site 2. It was so awesome! We built a school classroom, and I learned how to hammer. I mean, I sucked at first, but later today, I can actually hammer nails with more power and less time. I really thank the team leaders who kept encouraging me, and trusting in my hammering skills (level: noob), and letting me do the work even when I slow them down. Haha. After a few trial-and-errors, I can actually catch up with them. I also painted the building, and I had paint smears on my clothing, and paint freckles on my body. It was fun and fulfilling.



I realized that Jesus is really doing all the work, not us, and we get to work with Him in this big project! And even though my arms are sore, and I kept hitting my thumb with the hammer, the effort and the physical pain now will change and impact lives of a lot of people in the town, even eternally. We didn't get to share the gospel in the streets cause we were pretty secluded in the area, but serving God, no matter how, will always be fulfilling. And even though I hated being an assistant and all, this really changed my perspective. No matter how big or small my role is, it is still important to get the work done. Everyone in the body of Christ is valuable, everyone is made to do something different, and it's just amazing when God works it out in unity.

Click pictures to enlarge. Photo courtesy by Elaine Dimal.

 

(Left) Walls and roof almost over. (Right) And me assisting Elaine as she hammers.

(Left) When water finally came! Hahaha. Me at the back. (Right) The view from the school.

Lunch (and water) didn't come on time, but the people didn't mind, I think they enjoyed bonding and building the house so much even when it was tiring. I didn't interact with a lot of locals today, but the few I've encountered have blessed me. I can really see their openness and their willingness to help out. This cute little girl named Ellie helped me out with painting the walls, and though I couldn't understand what she was saying, it was just heart-warming to share God's love to someone like her. Her mom and her sister also helped out and were really welcoming. And I really had fun with the company of my teammates who were from Texas. Dang, those spanish-speaking people! How effortless! Haha.

(Left) Painting the walls with this little girl, Eli. (Right) River of blood, me and Manny.

We got lost on our way home to our mansion in Rosarito Inn. :)) Once again, the dinner was just so delicious that I've had my second takes. We had a recap and devotion afterwards. After worshipping, Pastor Gregg Tipton called on those who have heard God speaking to them, and those who prophesy, to come in front and say what God is telling them. They invited the Holy Spirit to come in our midst. God was speaking to different kinds of people, those who still have shame and guilt because of their past, those who need freedom, etc. God has already fixed most of my heart issues before I came here, and He has done that in amazing and unexpected ways. I also came up to speak what I felt God was telling me. Though at that time I was really freaked out because I wasn't sure if it was really Him speaking and not me. But it was just so strong, and I've been feeling it all throughout the day. Here's the gist of what I said:

I realized that all the things we are doing here is out of love. First, out of love for God. And also out of love for the people that He also loves -- the lost. And I heard God speak to me, "I have lifted you up from all the anger, hurt, pain, brokenness, and loneliness. And I will do the very same to the people here." So I pray that we would also share that joy unspeakable in our hearts when we met Him, when we met Christ. That we would see the people here in Baja the way God sees them, with so much love, and with so much potential to make an impact and glorify God in the future. I pray that the love will overflow, and that there will be no place for fear: fear that we won't make a big difference here, fear of sharing our past to others, fear because we don't have the boldness. Those things are just non-existent! For there is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear. I pray that we would have a broken, and crushed heart for the people here that we cannot help but share the love God has poured out on the cross.

That revelation just struck my heart, and I cannot help but cry out for this nation. After the recap, my family from Morning Star Christian Church went to our mansion-condo-room to celebrate the 9th birthday of Jordan Ortiz (the youngest person, age 8, in the history of Ten Days Missions). Beat that! :) We went for a swim afterwards. At the end of the day, God called me to pray for Baja, Mexico -- that the people we'll be reaching out in the next days will not just be saved, but be future leaders of their generation, and will make a big impact in their nation. If you're reading this now, it's not too late to pray!

"Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1