Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

A Prodigal Daughter's Letter

Dear Father,

I honestly feel like shit. I don't think someone can love a person who never stops screwing up... intentionally. I am such a rebel. I am such a hypocrite. I am incapacitated, and all those stupid metaphors of having no freedom from myself. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am empty. My pride will never admit that I am broken and falling apart. I feel like my life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I am insecure and insignificant. And now I don't think I can ever be where I want to be.

If I cry out to you and knock my pride out of the way, I will only lie that I can change, 'cause I don't think I can. And I will be back to this place again, with my barriers so much worse. I don't want to hope and fool myself again. I am so tired of my weak self. I am so tired of having to lie to you.

But if I keep silent, my life will continue to break and fall apart. I will continue to be meaningless. I won't have the right to talk about you anymore, and my soul will continue to be thirsty. And there will be endless nights of having to go to sleep feeling empty. I will have no passion and compassion. I will rely solely on initiative and willpower, which could be good. And I will forever feel insignificant and insecure.

My faith is dead. My faith is in so many other things which makes grace nonexistent in my life. I don't believe that kind of grace will ever reach me, and stay. I might as well say goodbye to you, 'cause I can continue to try, but I will only be frustrated. Both roads lead me there, anyway. I can deny you, but I believe that you will never go away, so now I can't say you're the one that got away. But this is my choice, and I know I will never be happy with it. My broken heart might someday say, "You're all I needed all this time," but my pride will not admit that I was wrong. And even if you are all I needed, my pride will say you wouldn't have loved me anyway.

My pride is shitty. I am shitty. The truth is I can't go on without you, and it makes no sense to even choose with the choices I'm given. So strip me of my pride, and humble me down however you want, whatever it takes. They say that you will break me, and it will hurt. But I don't care as long as I end up with you.

'Cause you have shown me your heart, and I have seen who you really are. They say that I can not see the truth and still stay the same. I don't know because I don't trust myself. So here I am again at your feet. I know I've blown my chances, but I think there will never be a time that not even the smallest part of me believes that you are who you say you are.

Take this humility that's still left of me. Take all the broken pieces if you can find them. And save me. Save me from myself.

Your daughter,

Recurring case of melancholy

I only have a few hours to spare for this blog every week. But right now, my aunt went to a business meeting that would last for 3 days, so I'm not busy. And I've never felt so lonely in this foreign land. I don't have any real and close friends I can talk to and have fun with. I'd socialize in Facebook, and I'm even desperate enough to find a friend in Omegle, since it feels as if my being is incomplete when I'm alone. Maybe I don't need to talk, I just need someone to be physically near me. And right now, there isn't a single person around. I am alone, and getting a bit lonely. As I was attempting to do those small stuff again, and planning to go out to find a church, I realized something.

No relationship can satisfy me. My friends, my spiritual family or the church, and even my own family will never be able to fill the emptiness I have. And all the socializing I do will never substitute to the relationship He offers. There is a hole, an endless vacuum in my heart that only God can fill. It dawned on me that at the end of the day, He is all that matters, and only His love can satisfy me. And I am amazed, because He never left me even when I was ignoring Him for the past few days.

Also, I'm quite irritated that secular songs, especially love songs, add to that loneliness I feel. The regrets are coming back again. I have this recurring case of melancholy. I know it's just in my mind, because I have been redeemed from my past, I have been healed, and I have an everlasting source of peace, hope, and joy. Funny how the enemy plays mind games with us, making us believe that we are people bound in misery and depression, and ridding us of the joy of our salvation. That is not true, we are His children, and He has set us free from that. Jesus is already enough -- actually, more than enough. Even if He was the only person who existed in the world, aside from you, He will satisfy your every need. He already has, and He will, in the future. I just can't help the tears that are about to fall from my eyes as I marvel at how beautiful He is, and why He loves me when all I ever do is turn away from Him.

So practically, I shall not listen to love songs for a while. I shall distract myself, and shake off those negative thoughts that the enemy is placing on my mind. I know and I believe that God's plans for me are wonderful, and I'm not going to sit around wishing I did or didn't do this and that. Everything went according to His plan. If it didn't, He wouldn't be in control. So I'll be ready. I will brace myself. Memories shall not bring regret, but rather lessons learned, and be a constant reminder of how close I was to hitting the ground when I decided to do things my own way -- and how He catches me each time I fall, turning my life upside down. It will all get better, we can always hope in Him.

To the One who hears

Because today is the 2nd anniversary of my first break-up, I'm blogging.

Hahaha, kidding. I don't have another reason to blog aside from God, who is such a hit -- a timeless topic. If I'm blogging about frustrations, it's not because I want the whole world to know how pissed and messed up I am. But it is actually an act of lifting it up to the One who hears my unheard cries and never fails to answer.

In our church, we have a 7-Day Prayer and Fasting every January. And this is something I wrote in my Devotion Notebook -- a list of all that I asked for this year or Faith Goals as they call it:

Click to enlarge. Prayers and Promises.

 

It's already November, and He has answered the things I've prayed and fasted for (and even more, though it's not written here, haha!). You can compare the two photos and see which promises He has fulfilled already.

Click to enlarge. Answered Prayers and Fulfilled Promises.

 

If you took the time to see which one's missing, you'll see that I have not put there yet the item "Restoration of Relationships". But I believe that before the year ends, friendships and relationships will be restored by Him, the healer of hearts. If not this year, there's always next year. I believe that His timing is always right. And who knows, it might have been answered already, just not how I expected it to be. :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God,

Thank You for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I know that You know my needs even before I ask, and that You provide them at the proper time, never too early and never too late. Thank You for giving me the strength and grace to do Your will in my life. Thank You because You said that when I cry, you hear it for You are compassionate. Even when I question You and Your ways, I believe that You are faithful, You never change, and that You will only give the best for me, Your daughter. I love You, because You loved me first, and I know that You will always love me more.

-Krishna

Note to self:

Hi there, Krishna.

This is yourself, speaking to you. A few years from now, I know you will look back and read your whole blog over again. I know you tend to re-read so much when it comes to your writings. I hope you come across these 15 notes someday.

1. Seek God first, and everything else will be given to you. Surrender to Him everything that you have. Choose Him first. Love Him more than you will ever love any person.


2. Always remember that you are perfect and beautiful as you are. God knew what he was doing when He made you. You can be so fat or so thin, but please don't try to impress people. Instead, strive to impress God. His impression matters most.


3. Filter your thoughts and your feelings. Emotions come and go, it's natural. But sometimes, you nurture it. Know when to ignore the negative feelings and get rid or your negative thoughts. You have a big God who loves you, and He doesn't want you to feel or think that way.


4. If you are mad or sad, be more careful that you might not endanger other people's feelings or perspectives by the things you say or do. If you're tired, and you're doing all the work, it's your choice to do so. Don't think that other people deserve to suffer, too (of course, unless they want to help and carry some of your burden).


5. Honor your parents. Give back to them. Obey them, but not if you have to compromise what God wants. Love them, and forgive them no matter how much they have hurt you. You have also hurt them as well.


6. Nothing is impossible for God. If He has put dreams and desires in your heart, I'm quite sure that He did so because He intends to fulfill it in your life. Though you must distinguish which ones come from you and which ones come from Him. He has faithfully done great things in your life, so why are you doubting now? Believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief.


7. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if no one's watching. Live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to feel all kinds of emotions out there. Don't conform to the standards of this world. Don't be conventional. Do hard things!


8. Never tell your future kids that they are ugly even if they're fat, they're dark, etc. Never tell them that they're unworthy, even when you're angry. Remember that they are special and priceless in God's eyes. Their image reflects the image of God. Their worth and their beauty encompasses the standards of this world.


9. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Let your anger fade away before you scold your future children or argue with your future husband. Be sure that you think rationally when you do so. And when you don't have the resolve to do it, be sure to say sorry when you know you're wrong.


10. Exercise to stay healthy, not to lose weight. Wear less and less make-up as the years pass. Encourage and compliment others, they need it.


11. Rest. You need to rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is a kind of rest that only God can give. Don't forget to come to Him if you ever need that kind of rest.


12. Forgive, forget, and let go. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and treat them as if nothing happened before. Let go of the issues you had with them. Don't bring it back even in arguments.


13. Be a biblical woman. Know what God designed you to be. Don't be too dominant, aggressive, or assumptive. Learn to be gentle and supportive.


14. Always give back the glory to God. He has given you everything you have. Your intellect, your talent, your calling. Whether it's performing for other people, tithing, or serving God, give Him what He deserves.


15. Hide God's word in your heart always. It is your sword and your shield. You can't fight the battle without it. You won't be able to do everything written above without doing this.

Love,
Yourself

PS. No pun intended.

Fickleness

You saw me sleeping like I always do.
You didn't know it was me, but you stared.
What made you look?
Was it because you were alone?
Was it because I was the only girl you see, like you used to say before?
Is it still all the same?
You looked, and it woke me up.
You were the first person I saw, wearing a surprised look.
What were you doing there, sitting at the far end of the table?
It was only the two of us, in a place where lonewolves go.
So, you were lonely, too.
How did you find me, when I was hiding from you?
Were you waiting? Was I waiting?
Maybe I was, but I've pushed that idea long ago.
I won't wait for you.
I'm not waiting for you.
I was just alone, that's all.
I wasn't ready, it was a choice not to be.
But I know you were, you could've left that place.
You could've gone out, laughing with your friends.
You could've wrapped your arms in a tight embrace with somebody else.
But you chose to be there. You looked away, and then you slept.
You chose to be idle, much longer than you've waited before.
We could have been in two different places.
But we gave it a rest and tried indifference.
We stayed there near each other, with our hearts worlds apart.
I know we'll be waiting for a very long time.
Sometimes in the same places, even when the memories hurt.
And it only gives us strength to go on.
I am not for you, and you are not for me.
But we are the reason why we're waiting.
Though we both don't know what we're waiting for.

Photo from Rex-chan at deviantart.

Maybe it's not the memories that hurt. But the present reality that the making of those beautiful memories has stopped for good.

EYS/T

Open Skyways.
Dreams and highways.
How many days until I see Your face?
Surround me with Your love, I don't want to wait in haste.
Every day, upon your glory I want to gaze.
I want to slow down and see the beauty in the sun's rays.
Please keep my ways pure and chaste.
I don't know how to win this race.
I know I will never falter with You as my foundation, my base.
Because You will always be there in any case.
You are my God, my only ace.
I want to live for You, for Your goodness I will taste.
I just want to honor You and bring You praise.
So in surrender, my hands I will raise.
I could never do anything good or right, if it weren't for Your grace.

 

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker

Um, uh-oh. Baguio. It's tomorrow.

Yes, I'm officially off to Baguio tomorrow. Am I freaking out? Am I being all nervous and/or excited. No, I am not. Am I abnormal? Yes, I guess so.

Oh right, homesickness. I'm still not ready for it. Although my mom is going to be with me for two days (and is actually more excited than I am, 'cause she told me to pack my things up two weeks before), being away from my family without nothing to do is going to kill me. Seriously.

Hm, can someone give me a proper itinerary? Since I'm in Baguio, and UP has no classes on Mondays, I'm going to spend my free days visiting all museums, parks and wonderful places in and near the city. Of course, with my best friend JesaLuna, whom I easily convinced to make UPB her second choice. But probably on most Mondays, the plan will be a major FAIL because she sleeps ALL DAY.

And aren't there haunted houses in Baguio? Ooh, exciting.

I guess I'll just take things the way they go. I have everything planned out for me, but I don't know if fate agrees with me.

In the State of Confusion

Okay. So I only have 2 weeks left and I'm off to Baguio. Choosing UP is an easy decision to make. But choosing Baguio, well, I'm still in confusion.

First off, I've been there for only one night and I can't even stand the homesickness. I really don't want to end up crying. It's not an easy choice to make. I'll be living all alone. I'll be washing my own underwear soon. :| I'll be tending for myself. I'll be independent.

The last thing on my mind was going to Baguio for college. But I believe, with everything that has happened, that's where God is leading me. I've been praying about this a lot. I even chose it over studying in La Salle with the course I want. Now I have to take the risk of being stuck in another course that is fit for me yet not really my heart's desire.

But I know what I must do. I must take all the confusion out of my mind. God promised me that I will have a great future ahead of me. So whatever happens, if I put my trust in Him, things will only get better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11