DISCLAIMER: I know the intro sucks, but stick around. XDProm. People say it's one of the best things that will happen in your life. I am one of those girls who, at one point of their lives, existed for prom. That one point may just be for a few minutes. But I keep wondering why certain things seem convincing that it could change our lives.
I wish I could say I hoped my last dance would last forever, but I never even got to dance with my special someone that night. I smiled my way through, and no one knew it was one of the unhappiest moments of my life. I cried myself to sleep that day. Looking back, I can't even feel a tinge of pain that I had felt. I felt ugly, unwanted, and unloved, but not anymore. Maybe this is what healing feels like. It's surprising when you don't even care about the past. My 15-year-old self would never have bought the idea that what mattered to me then would not really matter to me now. Who would have known that after all those years of boy hunting and insecurity, there would actually be a time that I would genuinely not care about boys? Who would have thought that the confident girl who had so many friends in high school would actually be an introvert who finds it hard to build deep relationships with new people? And who would have foreseen that I'd be a total opposite of who I was before?
God totally saw that coming. In fact, I think He's the mastermind of whatever I'm going through right now. I'm beginning to think that the phrase "people change" is so underrated. People would usually see that in a person when a person's change affects them and it's so obvious. But what about what's happening inside of a person? Do we usually take the time to know what's really going on even when it's not affecting us? No one would have known I'm going through this season when I feel totally unsure of who I am. Now, I can say that God knows me better and really believe it. I still talk to my old friends the same way. I'm still the fun, jolly, assertive, and demanding Krishna. But when I'm around new people, I find it so hard to initiate a conversation, and I can't take small talk. It's like literally living two lives, and that's not new at all.
Before this time in my life, I would claim to be a Christian, go to church, and impart really wise stuff to my youth group, but my integrity was falling apart. What I do when no one's around is what matters. It is the time when it's just the two of us -- God and me -- and I would boldly disregard him and do something wrong. I realized that what I feel right now -- invisible, unwanted, and uninteresting -- might be exactly what God is feeling whenever I sin in secret. I can never know how desperately He wants to be with me, but I know that the intensity of it so great that it cost Him his son. Thankfully, my integrity is now founded on grace, and I don't have to try so hard with my own effort because I know God will come through. I think He wants me to learn something from this. First, relationships takes time and effort. Second, whenever I feel insecure, I just have to be firm in faith that God knows what I feel and I am who He says I am: loved, wanted, accepted, valuable, and a daughter of the most high God.
I am writing because my heart goes out to all the people who feel misunderstood and could not speak up, whether they are Christians or not. I am sure God does not want us to feel alone, cause He's always there. But the church is a family, and no one's supposed to feel that way when you're part of it -- not even me. I'm trying hard, but sometimes I just can't get through, so I thank all the people who took the time to reach out, sit with me, and sincerely listen to what I have to say. It's easy to overlook people who feel so lonely and frustrated because they can't fit in. A person could smile and say hi, and we wouldn't know what they're really feeling. We cannot assume that people do not want to open up, because they do at some point. Sometimes we just have to ask 'cause they're not really trying hard. It's easy to accept people when you don't see the baggage that they're hiding. And I believe there's a yearning in everyone to be able to hold their head up high and know that someone accepts them for who they are no matter what.
If you have only started to know me now, you wouldn't know that I was a selfish girl who always talked about myself. I thought people wanted to hear me out, and they actually listened. For all I know, they were forcing themselves to bear with me cause the things I was saying were not even worth it. Now I'm on the other side of things. I can't even say anything without fearing that I'd make the conversation awkward, or what I had to say is not interesting. So many people out there just want to be heard. So go hear them out, listen, and really care about them, not because you want them to do the same when it's your turn to talk, but just really having that passion to see what God is doing in that person's life, and knowing what they need. When it's all said and done, you might just have the right words to tell them. Maybe you would do that to a person you want to minister to, but you just never know. The most unlikely people might be the ones who need it the most.
Silly me. I'm talking to a blog. Until now, no one has known my prom was devastating. A few people know that I'm going through this right now, including you. But that's our little secret. Ross Frazier just walked out of the church door saying, "You'll make it. If it means anything, you'll make it." Funny, he doesn't even know I'm writing this. I know seasons come and go, but we never know how long it's going to last. God
does give the right people in my life whom I can tell the whole truth about myself to, and I won't be feeling this in the future. But while I'm here, I'm making the most out of it. God has put me on the other side of the fence and I have a feeling that a lot of people are walking around feeling this way more that I have imagined.
