Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

Where does my hope come from?

Last night, I realized that my life is totally out of control. I came here to Los Angeles with a plan in mind. I would transfer in two years with an associate degree, and be admitted in an academically excellent university. I kept adjusting my plans to fit what I discovered as reality here. The tuition is expensive, and my plan was rather feasible if I had the time and money to go with it. Add that up to the expectation that I'm supposed to graduate in four years, which I doubt will happen.

In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.

My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.

It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.

When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.

I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.

Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.

My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."

Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.

Recurring case of melancholy

I only have a few hours to spare for this blog every week. But right now, my aunt went to a business meeting that would last for 3 days, so I'm not busy. And I've never felt so lonely in this foreign land. I don't have any real and close friends I can talk to and have fun with. I'd socialize in Facebook, and I'm even desperate enough to find a friend in Omegle, since it feels as if my being is incomplete when I'm alone. Maybe I don't need to talk, I just need someone to be physically near me. And right now, there isn't a single person around. I am alone, and getting a bit lonely. As I was attempting to do those small stuff again, and planning to go out to find a church, I realized something.

No relationship can satisfy me. My friends, my spiritual family or the church, and even my own family will never be able to fill the emptiness I have. And all the socializing I do will never substitute to the relationship He offers. There is a hole, an endless vacuum in my heart that only God can fill. It dawned on me that at the end of the day, He is all that matters, and only His love can satisfy me. And I am amazed, because He never left me even when I was ignoring Him for the past few days.

Also, I'm quite irritated that secular songs, especially love songs, add to that loneliness I feel. The regrets are coming back again. I have this recurring case of melancholy. I know it's just in my mind, because I have been redeemed from my past, I have been healed, and I have an everlasting source of peace, hope, and joy. Funny how the enemy plays mind games with us, making us believe that we are people bound in misery and depression, and ridding us of the joy of our salvation. That is not true, we are His children, and He has set us free from that. Jesus is already enough -- actually, more than enough. Even if He was the only person who existed in the world, aside from you, He will satisfy your every need. He already has, and He will, in the future. I just can't help the tears that are about to fall from my eyes as I marvel at how beautiful He is, and why He loves me when all I ever do is turn away from Him.

So practically, I shall not listen to love songs for a while. I shall distract myself, and shake off those negative thoughts that the enemy is placing on my mind. I know and I believe that God's plans for me are wonderful, and I'm not going to sit around wishing I did or didn't do this and that. Everything went according to His plan. If it didn't, He wouldn't be in control. So I'll be ready. I will brace myself. Memories shall not bring regret, but rather lessons learned, and be a constant reminder of how close I was to hitting the ground when I decided to do things my own way -- and how He catches me each time I fall, turning my life upside down. It will all get better, we can always hope in Him.

In the State of Confusion

Okay. So I only have 2 weeks left and I'm off to Baguio. Choosing UP is an easy decision to make. But choosing Baguio, well, I'm still in confusion.

First off, I've been there for only one night and I can't even stand the homesickness. I really don't want to end up crying. It's not an easy choice to make. I'll be living all alone. I'll be washing my own underwear soon. :| I'll be tending for myself. I'll be independent.

The last thing on my mind was going to Baguio for college. But I believe, with everything that has happened, that's where God is leading me. I've been praying about this a lot. I even chose it over studying in La Salle with the course I want. Now I have to take the risk of being stuck in another course that is fit for me yet not really my heart's desire.

But I know what I must do. I must take all the confusion out of my mind. God promised me that I will have a great future ahead of me. So whatever happens, if I put my trust in Him, things will only get better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11