Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

Grace Happens

 

I don't really have something structured in my mind right now.

I am just sorry that I haven't been fair. I know this past year has been generally painful. I feel like I have been in a storm all throughout, with a few breaks, thankfully. But even then, I am just thankful. I have nothing else to say. I am shaking just thinking about how faithful God is in my life. I know there's been so much hurt in my life, but I would never have it any other way. 'Cause now I see how God is so faithful to someone so unfaithful like me. That is more beautiful than any other material blessing I could have.

I am thankful, because now I can proudly say that I have let go, and I have healed. That doesn't mean that some things won't hurt anymore, but there would be that astounding peace and joy. I am finally at rest, knowing that I am in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it takes you such a long time to stop holding on to the things that make your heart break. Sometimes it's not really easy. Sometimes, the end of it is not as special as you've imagined it to be. How do you really know when it's all over and you came out of it the way you should?

Peace.

And oh, one more thing...

Grace happens here. :)

\\\\\\\\\Yes, people. Present tense.

 

Thank you, Jesus. ♥

Warped thoughts at McDonald's

Some CaliFilipina girl's warped thoughts at McDonald's

I barged inside the almost bare McDonalds in De Soto Avenue. The first thing I noticed was my friend Trina on the counter, with her unusually loud voice greeting the customers. She beamed when she saw me come in. I have only been here twice, always ordering McFlurry and French Fries. I'm planning to repeat that routine today, even as my conscience is silently being tortured by guilt since I haven't exercised for a week -- totally opposite from what my family probably thinks I'm doing.

Click to enlarge. And so I discovered Instragram. Haha!

I have now been here in California for two months, and it's been great for me, relatively. I am so positive that any other international student moving alone to the United States, or any other country, would be experiencing emotional breakdowns at this time, or at most, maybe they're already recovering. But I was prepared for this. Well, except for the last minute crying at the airport because I wasn't able to hug my mom before I left, and those times I almost always resorted to dating sites because I was totally alone at my house, and I haven't had friends at that time. But I'm okay now.

Before coming here, I asked God to prepare me and my environment, and give me great friends. Lo and behold, there was divine intervention. A girl named Czarlene read my tweet about UCLA and decided to befriend me at Twitter while I was still in the Philippines. I hate to admit it, but sometimes Twitter can be helpful. Next thing I know, Spring Semester starts, and I've got buttloads of friends on Day 1 at Pierce. They were all Filipinos, and they were like a call for me to come back to earth -- figuratively, that is. There's just something about getting together with people of your own race in a foreign land. And I don't even have to worry because Filipinos are everywhere (LOL). Somehow, the idea of being with a set of people who are naturally cheerful with voices you can hear even if you are 20 feet away is comforting -- like a dose of anti-loneliness-and-depression mantra you should give yourself if you're walking in a labyrinth and you start losing yourself. But that doesn't apply to some Filipinos. I get a sudden flash of disappointment when I discover that they can't or they refuse to speak their own language, or when in their liberation, I find no traces of conservativeness (what an awkward word). Again, it still depends on the person.

Them OSAM friends I love. :) When we celebrated my 18th Birthday. 20 Feb 2012. Credits to Len for the photo.

Then there's my church. I am so blessed to be surrounded by godly men and women in my walk with Christ. It feels like home to have people of different races, ages, and genders looking at me and not judging me, and accepting me with open arms, no matter my past. For that, I am extremely grateful. It made me confident that wherever I go, I have a family in God. Perhaps that's how it will look like in heaven -- filled with different people of all colors, races, tribes, and languages worshiping the one true God.

So let's get down to the point of why I'm writing this. What triggered the writer in me today -- after a very long time -- were those surprised and weirdly happy expressions on Trina's Filipino customers when she'd talk to them in Tagalog. That, and I'm also trying to impress my crush who works on the counter. I am currently stalking him, and throwing looks at him when he's not looking (*spying skill: master level*).

Kidding aside, I have really marveled at how few the customers are in McDonald's branches here compared to the ones in the Philippines which are crowded and filled with all kinds of laughter and noises. One thing they have in common? Filipino families. At some point, it made me feel as if maybe nothing much in my world has really changed after all. And maybe Filipinos come here to feel the same way, too. To pick up something that's left to remind them of their native land -- just with the negative implication that the Filipino culture has been commercialized and dominated by alien market (haha!). Or maybe, there's this unconscious thought of bumping into one of your "kababayans". Di na nga lang uso yun. But most probably, it's because they sell cheap stuff. :P

At the very least, this place reminds me of home. Plus, who knew McDonald's could be a writing haven anyway? (And a sleeping place, too!) Then again, maybe it's just McDonald's, or maybe it's just me.

Making it up to you ~_~

Guess what? I just went to the movies to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Yeah, here in California.

Haha! I know it's not the proper thing to say after leaving you out here for a month or more without any update. I am so sorry, and you don't know how my guilt is eating me up because I dropped you all of a sudden when I, myself, hate it when people do that to me. *__*

Some beautiful thing I saw on my way to Downtown L.A.

Shot from my iPhone which was selflessly given by my mom. T_T I miss her.

For the missed New Year and Christmas greetings, here's what I have to say.

I LOVE YOU! :)

And I guess that's enough, 'cause I mean it. Well, I meant that for my blog. And to you as well, dear reader. I am quite surprised to have a steady number of viewers even though I've been gone for a reaaaally long while. Thank you for being more faithful than I am. Haha.

Hiatus is over, baby! Time for some real ass-kickin'. (I can't believe I'm talking teenager right now -- since I've been here, actually.) #thegrosssideofme

The bottomline of all bottomlines, I wouldn't be writing in this blog if I wasn't moved by that undeserved grace. 'Cause this blog thing would be nothing if He weren't in it. :DD

*Indication of some ongoing wonders caused by my Creator. Go figure.

To the One who hears

Because today is the 2nd anniversary of my first break-up, I'm blogging.

Hahaha, kidding. I don't have another reason to blog aside from God, who is such a hit -- a timeless topic. If I'm blogging about frustrations, it's not because I want the whole world to know how pissed and messed up I am. But it is actually an act of lifting it up to the One who hears my unheard cries and never fails to answer.

In our church, we have a 7-Day Prayer and Fasting every January. And this is something I wrote in my Devotion Notebook -- a list of all that I asked for this year or Faith Goals as they call it:

Click to enlarge. Prayers and Promises.

 

It's already November, and He has answered the things I've prayed and fasted for (and even more, though it's not written here, haha!). You can compare the two photos and see which promises He has fulfilled already.

Click to enlarge. Answered Prayers and Fulfilled Promises.

 

If you took the time to see which one's missing, you'll see that I have not put there yet the item "Restoration of Relationships". But I believe that before the year ends, friendships and relationships will be restored by Him, the healer of hearts. If not this year, there's always next year. I believe that His timing is always right. And who knows, it might have been answered already, just not how I expected it to be. :)

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God,

Thank You for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I know that You know my needs even before I ask, and that You provide them at the proper time, never too early and never too late. Thank You for giving me the strength and grace to do Your will in my life. Thank You because You said that when I cry, you hear it for You are compassionate. Even when I question You and Your ways, I believe that You are faithful, You never change, and that You will only give the best for me, Your daughter. I love You, because You loved me first, and I know that You will always love me more.

-Krishna

Just Grateful

November 19, 2011 - A Travelogue-ish Entry. First Time!

 Buying Taho at the end of University Avenue.

Way to go for tired and famished people.

06:00 AM - My supposed-to-be wake-up time. But I slept at 4 AM, so go figure.
07:00 AM - I finally woke up. Researched for hairstyles and make-up styles to do for today. I read ate Jee Geronimo's random email of appreciation which really made my day.
08:00 AM - Still no proper hairstyle which is easy to do. Decided to take a bath since it's getting late.
09:00 AM - Call time. No one has arrived yet as expected. Filipino Time. Still doing my make-up. Had some random visitors, so I was stuck for 30 minutes because I can't do my make-up with them around. :|
10:00 AM - Wilfred, my videographer and video editor (to his surprise), texted me that he had just woken up. He arrived 40 minutes later and we talked about the stop-motion video I had in mind.
11:00 AM - Nikki, my talented photographer, arrives. I let her see the clothes I prepared.
12:00 PM - Angel, my personal stylist and assistant for the day (haha!), finally arrived. He fixed my hair for an hour and a half. We all ate spaghetti and talked about music, life and everything else in between.
01:00 PM - Last minute preparations of accessories, and endless rummaging of shoe boxes.
02:00 PM - Finally, we leave for UP Diliman. Yes people, that's 5 HOURS after when we should have left.

PRE-DEBUT PHOTOSHOOT

Behind the scenes.

I'm stronger than before

Stronger than I'll ever be

And I raise my eyes to the One

The One who made me see

All what I thought was lost

But now is found

And I'm grateful

Looking for someplace else.

We lost the sun for a bit, but

I thank God for the perfect

weather.

Blues are bluer

Smiles are brighter

It draws a tear whenever

I watch the sunsets paint the sky

I don't even mind walking under the rain

I never laughed like this before

And I'm gonna say it once more

Down the stairs of the famous Palma/AS Hall.

Moreover, I thank Him for the few true friends
He has given me.

Everything seems different now

Things are turned inside out

With a new pair of senses to go with around

It doesn't even matter

If I'm up or down

I'm grateful

You showed me the way back to my beautiful

A bunch of very talented friends.*

*I'm actually referring to my whole high school senior class. But these guys are the best! They even put up with

my impatience and pettiness!

I love you!

Grateful for the day 

You called my name

Ever since You

Walked into the door

It's never been the same

Mornings are brighter now

I'm not afraid

And I wake up each day 
with a smile on my face

Coz I've been in places

Where I couldn't even see

The light of day

And then You came

At sunset. Finally time to rest.

My favorite picture, an example of

the fail edited version,

done by yours truly.

*Lyrics taken from the song "Grateful" by Julianne Tarroja

Note to self:

Hi there, Krishna.

This is yourself, speaking to you. A few years from now, I know you will look back and read your whole blog over again. I know you tend to re-read so much when it comes to your writings. I hope you come across these 15 notes someday.

1. Seek God first, and everything else will be given to you. Surrender to Him everything that you have. Choose Him first. Love Him more than you will ever love any person.


2. Always remember that you are perfect and beautiful as you are. God knew what he was doing when He made you. You can be so fat or so thin, but please don't try to impress people. Instead, strive to impress God. His impression matters most.


3. Filter your thoughts and your feelings. Emotions come and go, it's natural. But sometimes, you nurture it. Know when to ignore the negative feelings and get rid or your negative thoughts. You have a big God who loves you, and He doesn't want you to feel or think that way.


4. If you are mad or sad, be more careful that you might not endanger other people's feelings or perspectives by the things you say or do. If you're tired, and you're doing all the work, it's your choice to do so. Don't think that other people deserve to suffer, too (of course, unless they want to help and carry some of your burden).


5. Honor your parents. Give back to them. Obey them, but not if you have to compromise what God wants. Love them, and forgive them no matter how much they have hurt you. You have also hurt them as well.


6. Nothing is impossible for God. If He has put dreams and desires in your heart, I'm quite sure that He did so because He intends to fulfill it in your life. Though you must distinguish which ones come from you and which ones come from Him. He has faithfully done great things in your life, so why are you doubting now? Believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief.


7. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if no one's watching. Live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to feel all kinds of emotions out there. Don't conform to the standards of this world. Don't be conventional. Do hard things!


8. Never tell your future kids that they are ugly even if they're fat, they're dark, etc. Never tell them that they're unworthy, even when you're angry. Remember that they are special and priceless in God's eyes. Their image reflects the image of God. Their worth and their beauty encompasses the standards of this world.


9. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Let your anger fade away before you scold your future children or argue with your future husband. Be sure that you think rationally when you do so. And when you don't have the resolve to do it, be sure to say sorry when you know you're wrong.


10. Exercise to stay healthy, not to lose weight. Wear less and less make-up as the years pass. Encourage and compliment others, they need it.


11. Rest. You need to rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is a kind of rest that only God can give. Don't forget to come to Him if you ever need that kind of rest.


12. Forgive, forget, and let go. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and treat them as if nothing happened before. Let go of the issues you had with them. Don't bring it back even in arguments.


13. Be a biblical woman. Know what God designed you to be. Don't be too dominant, aggressive, or assumptive. Learn to be gentle and supportive.


14. Always give back the glory to God. He has given you everything you have. Your intellect, your talent, your calling. Whether it's performing for other people, tithing, or serving God, give Him what He deserves.


15. Hide God's word in your heart always. It is your sword and your shield. You can't fight the battle without it. You won't be able to do everything written above without doing this.

Love,
Yourself

PS. No pun intended.

An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!

Some forevers

Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng litratong ganito kaganda, na parang hindi na matatapos yung mga ngiti. Tapos sakto pang maganda ang mga ulap, at um-extra pa yung sinag ng araw. Sa susunod ulit. Patunay lang na hindi imposibleng maging masaya kahit na malungkot ang puso. Ay, oo nga pala. Hindi lang ang mga ngiti ang masaya, kundi pati na rin ang mga mata.

I've never seen a photograph this beautiful, as if the smiles would never end. And the skies had the perfect shade of blue, with the extra rays of sun. 'Til next time. This just proves that happiness is not impossible even if the heart is in pain. Oh, and not only the smiles, but also the eyes we're happy.
LOL. Translations suck.

Breaking My Fall

     There was never a time when I would have to choose, and then not fall in any of the direction that I've chosen. But still, everytime I fall, there's always this someone that breaks my fall. Someone who loves me, and would never let me go. I wonder if He ever gets tired of always having to rescue me. Maybe that's just how amazing His undeserved grace is.

     I was asked one time, "How could He be truth? How could He be love? How could you have faith when it's so illogical? Sometimes, I feel like I'm only believing in Him because it's the easy way out." I couldn't answer that question without having to question authority or religion. I could not answer that question because my wisdom is futile. I could not explain the wonders of the God I love. But all I know is that I could not deny Him, too. Screw all the feelings I've felt, or the changes I've made. No matter how I end up saying that His existence may be illogical or unexplainable, there's always this voice in my head that says He is truth. I would rather leave this life of being so wise and critical in the world of men, than let go of the knowledge that this God loves me so much, even when I did nothing for Him to love me. I'd rather be called foolish and illogical, than deny this love I have for that man who died on the cross for me.

     He has set me free. He is the God who became man just to know what it's like, the pain and the persecutions. He is the God who risked being hurt by creating man, just so He could love us. And that love never fails to break my fall. Wherever I go, that love knows what I'm going through, that love never fails to guide me. That love never fails, period.

     I want to live for You. I want to let the world know how beautiful You are. I want to worship You no matter what, until there's nothing left of me. I want my life to be Yours, because it's meant to be Yours, You deserve it.

 "I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?" -Breaking My Fall, Jeremy Camp

"I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true. And I fall in-love with the ones that run me through. When all along all I need is You." -Sing It Out, Switchfoot

Nostalgia: There's not a time like high school.

02/11/11 

     I'm writing again, so this must not be good. I'm letting my emo-ness swallow me up again as I listen to my Tiger Playlist after a year or so. Look at that, that's the length of time it took me to recover. But after all, as I always say in my SC10 class, not remembering is for bitter people, and I'm not one of them now, haha. Even when it's so effed up, drastic, ugly, painful and all that, high school is still the best and the most beautiful thing that God allowed to happen in my life. How ironic.

     While I'm admittedly happy dwelling in the streets of Session Road every night with Lifebox people, I still can't help feeling lonely in those few times when I sit alone in the canteen wondering where my blockmates are. Or walking down the catwalk of UP Baguio by myself while it's raining (yeesh, very dramatic), or sitting by a tree while the Christmas lights lit up the whole Oblation Grounds and I ponder why Oble has such a huge butt. And yes, I did that alone.

     I do have some friends now. Those who don’t want me to transfer to Diliman, those whom I know would be in the list of my friends-forever category. And yet, I still miss those forty-six who might not be remembering me now. I miss cramming up assignments, balita't pagsasanay, and projects with those people who knew me so much, who trusted and loved me. 

     Anyway, you have to pardon my perspective. It's the typical sentimental past-oriented emo thing that has made me the unique self that I am. After all those nights spent crying silently as my roommates snored, and pitying myself as I exaggerated the homesickness I felt for my family and friends, I'm still here saying that there's not a time such as high school. As if not a tear fell from my eyes, I still feel the same. I still feel as if my life is not as complete as it was for the last four years.

     So to cut it short (and prevent nose bleeding), this is a simple message for you.

     I LOVE YOU AND HAPPY VALENTINES, IV-RIZAL.

You're my sunshine after the rain. You're the cure against fear and my pain. 'Cause I'm losing my mind when you're not around. It's all, it's all, it's all because of you.

I still can feel, and it's so unreal... It's just the place in the sun where our love's begun. I miss you, yeah, I miss you IV-RIZAL. <3

     Tamang tama, lalabas 'to sa Valentines. =))