A Day in the Life of a So-Called Christian

I went to Divisoria today. It rained so hard. I never imagined myself ever walking in a flooded street, let alone a flooded Tabora Street. I trod through the water which looked just a shade lighter than black, filthy with plastic trashes floating all around, and canals probably reeking of rat poop. I got several ulcer attacks, which I've only experience recently. Seriously, not eating really makes me lose weight way more than exercising. But it gave me this. Plus my menstruation, plus having something like diarrhea and constipation rolled in one. My tummy hurt like crazy.

The night before that was also the night in which the spirit of my secret sin came back seven times stronger, with a touch of confusion and an indifference that I resented the most, as my firmness in His Word faded away (a result of compromising my quiet time). It brought along the perfect excuse, whispering in my ear, "Why not go further? It only takes one sin to go to hell, no matter how big or small. And you've already sinned a lot. Why not sin more? Don't you want to maximize this time? You'll ask for forgiveness later on anyway. Sure, he will forgive you. You can always say sorry."

I hated myself for choosing to sin. I hated myself for believing that lie, much more for listening to it. I hated myself because I was aware that I was becoming licentious to His forgiveness. I was abusing Him. And so I soaked myself up in guilt and condemnation, because I knew it was the punishment I deserved. Weeks before that, I was proud of my own righteousness, and my spiritual disciplines that I thought I would finally be okay, and stable. But I couldn't. I would sin again and again with the generational curse that has been put upon me and my family.

Pain from the ulcer attack increased, with every reluctant step I took in that shopping place. I said, "God, please heal me. I know you can." But this sin has blocked off my connection with Him. I no longer felt that He cared. I know He could heal me, but I did not have the confidence that He would. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't even call Him my Father. I did say it once because I had to, but with hesitation pinching my heart because I don't deserve to. That was when I knew how to be a so-called Christian:

You wake up each day, and say a recited prayer, knowing that a God exists, and that He's all-powerful, but He doesn't care about you. You sin everyday, say sorry every night, and do the cycle all over again, until Sunday, when you try to be Ms. Righteous and work your way to the assurance that you will make it to heaven when you die. So you sleep at night, still afraid to die, and feeling that emptiness that devours you for the longest time. You are a Christian because it's you're religion. You know He's there but you've never really experienced Him. You sin, but you never really change, or at most you never really want to.

I never want to be away from Him again, but I felt that I couldn't draw near because I was so unfaithful. I broke His heart again. I've offended Him for the nth time, with the sin I loathed so much. I knew I was being condemned, still I wallowed in that feeling, losing the hope for changing and overcoming.

I'm here writing this today because my God is faithful even when I'm not. He does not change His mind about me (Numbers 23:19) and the promises He has already made for me (Joshua 21:45). He did not let me go, He never gave up on me and He helped me stand up again. I know the race is hard, and I will continuously fall down if I trust myself and not depend on Him, but He has chosen and set me apart, and I know that He will see to it that I will finish this race by His grace (Philippians 1:6). It's because of His love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness alone that I can have a stable pure and holy life, and I trust that there is such a thing. I know He is stronger than all my fears and weaknesses summed up, and He will mold my character as His daughter, to be able to serve Him more, and as a woman, for the person He has also set apart for me.

I think that the biggest struggle here is the forgiveness that you can't give yourself, and the guilt and condemnation after you sin that makes you want to turn away from God even more. But my Father loves me even when I'm filthy, and has given everything to make me pure and valuable again. I believe Him and all the things He has done for me, that alone has made me His daughter (Galatians 3:26-29). He said it, so it's settled. No amount of lies from the devil can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:28-29) because He will protect me.

It takes His grace to strike a balance between being legalistic and being licentious. It takes His faithfulness to keep you in track of genuine worship. And I stand with the hope of doing that for good (as in until eternity), because He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am His, and nothing will change that (Isaiah 43:1).

Breaking My Fall

     There was never a time when I would have to choose, and then not fall in any of the direction that I've chosen. But still, everytime I fall, there's always this someone that breaks my fall. Someone who loves me, and would never let me go. I wonder if He ever gets tired of always having to rescue me. Maybe that's just how amazing His undeserved grace is.

     I was asked one time, "How could He be truth? How could He be love? How could you have faith when it's so illogical? Sometimes, I feel like I'm only believing in Him because it's the easy way out." I couldn't answer that question without having to question authority or religion. I could not answer that question because my wisdom is futile. I could not explain the wonders of the God I love. But all I know is that I could not deny Him, too. Screw all the feelings I've felt, or the changes I've made. No matter how I end up saying that His existence may be illogical or unexplainable, there's always this voice in my head that says He is truth. I would rather leave this life of being so wise and critical in the world of men, than let go of the knowledge that this God loves me so much, even when I did nothing for Him to love me. I'd rather be called foolish and illogical, than deny this love I have for that man who died on the cross for me.

     He has set me free. He is the God who became man just to know what it's like, the pain and the persecutions. He is the God who risked being hurt by creating man, just so He could love us. And that love never fails to break my fall. Wherever I go, that love knows what I'm going through, that love never fails to guide me. That love never fails, period.

     I want to live for You. I want to let the world know how beautiful You are. I want to worship You no matter what, until there's nothing left of me. I want my life to be Yours, because it's meant to be Yours, You deserve it.

 "I saw You breaking my fall, what am I supposed to do?" -Breaking My Fall, Jeremy Camp

"I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true. And I fall in-love with the ones that run me through. When all along all I need is You." -Sing It Out, Switchfoot