A Prodigal Daughter's Letter

Dear Father,

I honestly feel like shit. I don't think someone can love a person who never stops screwing up... intentionally. I am such a rebel. I am such a hypocrite. I am incapacitated, and all those stupid metaphors of having no freedom from myself. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am empty. My pride will never admit that I am broken and falling apart. I feel like my life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I am insecure and insignificant. And now I don't think I can ever be where I want to be.

If I cry out to you and knock my pride out of the way, I will only lie that I can change, 'cause I don't think I can. And I will be back to this place again, with my barriers so much worse. I don't want to hope and fool myself again. I am so tired of my weak self. I am so tired of having to lie to you.

But if I keep silent, my life will continue to break and fall apart. I will continue to be meaningless. I won't have the right to talk about you anymore, and my soul will continue to be thirsty. And there will be endless nights of having to go to sleep feeling empty. I will have no passion and compassion. I will rely solely on initiative and willpower, which could be good. And I will forever feel insignificant and insecure.

My faith is dead. My faith is in so many other things which makes grace nonexistent in my life. I don't believe that kind of grace will ever reach me, and stay. I might as well say goodbye to you, 'cause I can continue to try, but I will only be frustrated. Both roads lead me there, anyway. I can deny you, but I believe that you will never go away, so now I can't say you're the one that got away. But this is my choice, and I know I will never be happy with it. My broken heart might someday say, "You're all I needed all this time," but my pride will not admit that I was wrong. And even if you are all I needed, my pride will say you wouldn't have loved me anyway.

My pride is shitty. I am shitty. The truth is I can't go on without you, and it makes no sense to even choose with the choices I'm given. So strip me of my pride, and humble me down however you want, whatever it takes. They say that you will break me, and it will hurt. But I don't care as long as I end up with you.

'Cause you have shown me your heart, and I have seen who you really are. They say that I can not see the truth and still stay the same. I don't know because I don't trust myself. So here I am again at your feet. I know I've blown my chances, but I think there will never be a time that not even the smallest part of me believes that you are who you say you are.

Take this humility that's still left of me. Take all the broken pieces if you can find them. And save me. Save me from myself.

Your daughter,

Fasting Day #1

Who am I?

No, I am not star material. I am not popular actress material. I'm not just a photographer. I'm not just a performer. I am not rich girl material. I am not a professional person material. I am not for fame or for glory. I am meaningless without the Lover of my soul.

I am a child of God, a princess, a daughter of the Almighty -- sent to the world to be His hands and feet. I will never truly be happy with all the things I want to be. I will only be at peace when I do His will. I am worth waiting for. I am going to marry a man after God's own heart. I asked Him to send me, and I know He will.

I am called to a life of purity. I am called to full time ministry. I am called to missions.

I am who He says I am. Redeemed. Pure. Loved. Righteous by grace.

"I will live to carry Your compassion, to love a world that's broken, to be Your hands and feet. And I will give with the life that I've been given, and go beyond religion, to see the world be changed by the power of Your name... Jesus, Your name holds everything I need."
~Power of Your Name, Lincoln Brewster

*Faith Goal: Revelations. Check.

A Day in the Life of a So-Called Christian

I went to Divisoria today. It rained so hard. I never imagined myself ever walking in a flooded street, let alone a flooded Tabora Street. I trod through the water which looked just a shade lighter than black, filthy with plastic trashes floating all around, and canals probably reeking of rat poop. I got several ulcer attacks, which I've only experience recently. Seriously, not eating really makes me lose weight way more than exercising. But it gave me this. Plus my menstruation, plus having something like diarrhea and constipation rolled in one. My tummy hurt like crazy.

The night before that was also the night in which the spirit of my secret sin came back seven times stronger, with a touch of confusion and an indifference that I resented the most, as my firmness in His Word faded away (a result of compromising my quiet time). It brought along the perfect excuse, whispering in my ear, "Why not go further? It only takes one sin to go to hell, no matter how big or small. And you've already sinned a lot. Why not sin more? Don't you want to maximize this time? You'll ask for forgiveness later on anyway. Sure, he will forgive you. You can always say sorry."

I hated myself for choosing to sin. I hated myself for believing that lie, much more for listening to it. I hated myself because I was aware that I was becoming licentious to His forgiveness. I was abusing Him. And so I soaked myself up in guilt and condemnation, because I knew it was the punishment I deserved. Weeks before that, I was proud of my own righteousness, and my spiritual disciplines that I thought I would finally be okay, and stable. But I couldn't. I would sin again and again with the generational curse that has been put upon me and my family.

Pain from the ulcer attack increased, with every reluctant step I took in that shopping place. I said, "God, please heal me. I know you can." But this sin has blocked off my connection with Him. I no longer felt that He cared. I know He could heal me, but I did not have the confidence that He would. I was ashamed of myself, and I couldn't even call Him my Father. I did say it once because I had to, but with hesitation pinching my heart because I don't deserve to. That was when I knew how to be a so-called Christian:

You wake up each day, and say a recited prayer, knowing that a God exists, and that He's all-powerful, but He doesn't care about you. You sin everyday, say sorry every night, and do the cycle all over again, until Sunday, when you try to be Ms. Righteous and work your way to the assurance that you will make it to heaven when you die. So you sleep at night, still afraid to die, and feeling that emptiness that devours you for the longest time. You are a Christian because it's you're religion. You know He's there but you've never really experienced Him. You sin, but you never really change, or at most you never really want to.

I never want to be away from Him again, but I felt that I couldn't draw near because I was so unfaithful. I broke His heart again. I've offended Him for the nth time, with the sin I loathed so much. I knew I was being condemned, still I wallowed in that feeling, losing the hope for changing and overcoming.

I'm here writing this today because my God is faithful even when I'm not. He does not change His mind about me (Numbers 23:19) and the promises He has already made for me (Joshua 21:45). He did not let me go, He never gave up on me and He helped me stand up again. I know the race is hard, and I will continuously fall down if I trust myself and not depend on Him, but He has chosen and set me apart, and I know that He will see to it that I will finish this race by His grace (Philippians 1:6). It's because of His love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness alone that I can have a stable pure and holy life, and I trust that there is such a thing. I know He is stronger than all my fears and weaknesses summed up, and He will mold my character as His daughter, to be able to serve Him more, and as a woman, for the person He has also set apart for me.

I think that the biggest struggle here is the forgiveness that you can't give yourself, and the guilt and condemnation after you sin that makes you want to turn away from God even more. But my Father loves me even when I'm filthy, and has given everything to make me pure and valuable again. I believe Him and all the things He has done for me, that alone has made me His daughter (Galatians 3:26-29). He said it, so it's settled. No amount of lies from the devil can snatch me out of my Father's hands (John 10:28-29) because He will protect me.

It takes His grace to strike a balance between being legalistic and being licentious. It takes His faithfulness to keep you in track of genuine worship. And I stand with the hope of doing that for good (as in until eternity), because He has redeemed me and called me by name. I am His, and nothing will change that (Isaiah 43:1).

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.