On Tumblr: To Rona.

I just thought I'd tell you (again). No one has the right to tell you that you should have moved on already, or specify a date of when you should be able to get over it -- because they have no idea how much it hurts you. They don't feel the way you do. So take your time, cry about it, be wasted about it. You have all the right. You really can't skip the hard part, and you just have to go through each of those feelings. They will come back drastically if you don't let yourself heal properly. God bless, dear. And remember that God is more than willing to heal you, and that when He heals, He gives you a new heart -- no wounds, no scars, nothing. He can and He will give you a new heart, pure and unbroken. Just like what He did with me.

An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!

What Is It, Really?

*Of how the break-up happened. I guess I just wrote it so as not to forget, because my relationship with him is not worth forgetting, good times and bad times alike. Also, I passed this for my Creative Writing 10 Character Sketch assignment, and I wrote this in class, the day of the deadline. I was forced to, 'cause it was the easiest thing to write about. Haha! It was vivid as it can be though it's one year after it all happened.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I looked away from him, and stared at nothing in particular. I knew this wasn't going to be good when he told me we had to talk the next day, and left me alone without even saying goodbye. The moment was awkward, I don't even know if I was going to be happy or sad when he started to speak.

“I know you don't want to, but you have to let me go,” he said quietly. I stood there for a moment as I tried to digest the weight of that sentence. Could it be that easy? This time, I looked at him, at his eyes that usually softened when he sees me. There was nothing in there, or maybe a hint of painful indifference.

“Why?” I stammered. I had nothing to say except that, because it all came so suddenly.

“You wouldn't understand me if I told you.”

“Why do you always say that? You always think people won't understand you. I'm here. I may not know you as much as you know me, but I can understand you.”

“Let's just end this, okay?”

“No. What is it, really? Am I being so predictable now?”

“I just... I don't want you and your mom to fight anymore because of me. I don't want people judging me because of this relationship. It's getting wrong. We've isolated ourselves already. We're not growing.”

And then he walked away. Just like that. Starting that day, it was so easy for him to ignore me, to walk around the same halls as if I didn't exist, as if he hadn't heard of my name before. I knew life wouldn't stop just because we broke up, but self-pity got the best of me. I cried and made sure everyone knew I was depressed. While he went on with his life as if nothing happened, laughing and cracking up jokes more frequently. But I’ve seen his weary face when he comes home and have known his quietness when he’s with his family. Everyone thought he was happy and fine. Only both of us knew that he was not.

They judged him for breaking my heart. They judged him for all the wrong reasons I made them see. Weeks passed before he finally talked to me. Maybe because of the countless assumptions I've posted on my Facebook wall. My assumptions killed him. I couldn’t understand him so I generated my own conclusion as to why he suddenly broke up with me.

“I don't know if you're numb or just plain stupid.” he said. It was the first time I've ever received an insult from him.

“Excuse me?”

“I don't understand why there are weak people like you. Can't you just stop looking at the rear view mirror and fix your gaze straight ahead?”

“Now you're calling me weak. At least I'm not afraid of people judging me when I cry. At least I’m not pretending to have forgotten everything so quickly. At least I’m not locked up with the masculine norms you’re limiting yourself to.”

“You still don’t understand, do you?”

“What don’t I understand? Why don’t you just tell me?”

“You think you know everything. Now you’re hurt, you make assumptions and excuses just so you can say you know what I’m going through. Are you really insensitive? Can’t you see that your assumptions hurt me? Can’t you see how much it hurts when people judge me because of it? Can’t you trust that I can and I’m willing to wait for the right time? But now I’m hurt, and I don’t feel anything towards you but hatred.”

For the second time, I stood there beside him, speechless. I did digest everything he said immediately. I tried to find more excuses. He should’ve told me that long ago so I wouldn’t judge him, I thought to myself. I couldn’t understand how that transition happened. We had been so happy, and he had never shown pain. I tried saying sorry so many times, but I knew he thought I only wanted to bring him back.

I knew how his mind worked some times, but more often than not, I don’t. And I felt I had to run away. So I turned my back on him, because I knew my pride and his pride were holding us back. He never told me the real reasons; he kept me hanging and expected that I would understand in time. I never did, though. Maybe I really didn’t understand him after all, and maybe he was right to think that explanations are useless. We’ve only agreed to our faults; his fault was not providing me an explanation and mine was not trusting him.

But that was a long time ago, when I would rather have him hate me, than be apathetic towards me. I guess you could call us friends now. But I still couldn’t read him after everything we’ve been through. He remains a mystery. Even when we’re together, I’m not really sure if all the smile and laughter he’s showing is just another front he’s making.

One Day at a Time

by Krishna Lou T. Ayungao

10-10917; BA Communication

*FICTION. Italic characters pertain to Euna's final thoughts and past.

"And I die, one day at a time, 'cause I just can't seem to get you off my mind. No matter how I try, try to kill the time. I think that I'm just going crazy, one day at a time." ~Jonas Brothers

June 8, 2009

The wind was upon my face. And I felt like I was floating in air. And white light. It seemed like a long time that I was in that state. I barely recalled what happened only minutes ago. Ouch! What the heck? What was that? Oh okay, now I’m sane. What the hell just happened? I think I landed in the middle of four connected buildings. I looked down only to see that I was wearing a blouse with a sailor collar and a very long skirt. I’ve seen this uniform somewhere. I touched my face and felt pimples creating bumps on my skin. Teenage life. Suddenly, it came back to me. I am wearing my high school uniform. And I am in my former school. Why? Because I had wished to come back here. I felt a pinch on my heart. I wanted to come back here. Okay, that’s it! I didn’t come all the way to Bermuda Triangle to be brought to my past.

I noticed I was wearing my maroon ID lace. I knew right then that I was back to my senior year. I had the feeling that my four years in high school was vague. I hardly remember those three years I knew were fun. High school was summarized by my senior year. Painful and torturing. Do I really have to go through all this again?

“Eunaaaaa! I miss you! So much! I’m just so excited. We’re already in fourth year. Can you believe that? And what have you been up to? I rarely saw you this summer. And what the? Why are you sitting there? Where are your things?” a familiar voice said. For a second, it made me smile to hear that voice. It was Luna, with Katrice. Two of my few high school best friends. It was just like before. Exactly like before.

But I was just too shocked to reply. So now it wasn’t like before. Because my memories told me that I hugged them in excitement. This was the year I’ve been waiting for. I was surprised that my crush since sophomore year was in our class. Not to brag, but some considered us an elite section, the cream section. Of course it was all stereotype, we’re just like the other kids.

We proceeded to line up in front of our classroom. My world stopped when I saw him. He was sitting quietly bearing the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But I knew he wouldn’t be quiet. I knew a hundred things about him even when at that time and place, I wasn’t supposed to know anything. My mind raced to all the times we were together. Flashbacks of memories and sweetness, of hurt and impossibility. I had my back on him, but I knew – like before – that he was looking at me every minute he had that day.

Is it right to look in your eyes and hope that somehow you would remember me? Is it right to let you go through this again? I don’t know. Since I’ve seen those eyes, I never knew what was right anymore.

July 10, 2009

I woke up and it was already July 10. Okaaay, my time frame is so freaking me out. I mean, how in the world do you sleep on June 8 and wake up on July 10 in just ten hours? Well, of course I went to school. I really can’t bear to disappoint my mom, I know she wouldn’t believe me when I say that I’ve already been through high school and I’m supposed to be 28 years old right now.

The day went on normally. Janine came up to ask me about how I’m coping with Justin. It had been two months since he had his first girlfriend; it kind of hurt my pride that time. I swore I wouldn’t believe in guys anymore. I said I was okay, because I was, and I had to think for three minutes to figure out what happened between me and Justin. That couldn’t be strange enough considering what’s happening to me right now. Today, my teacher in Filipino asked us to write about something painful, I refused to write and cry for my grandmother who died only months ago from the time that I'm in. I refused to sit in front of him like I did thirteen years ago. I wanted to write about him, about us. But it wouldn’t be right. Because now I know why I was brought here. I ‘m here to undo the things that would hurt us both in the future.

If I went on with my life without you, would I forget about you? Would I be happier? Would some other guy be able to hurt me like you did? A part of me would never be happy, knowing that being loved by you would be worth more than anything else. A part of me would always be happy, because I had the chance to be with you again, and now I choose not to hurt you.

July 26, 2009

Mrs. Valdez informed me that I would be joining a certain pageant with Daniel. It wasn't like me to say that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't have turned down the offer. But then again, I said no.

I would give up anything to go back to that time when you looked at me like I was the only girl who existed. Like I would be the one for you. I'd give up anything to hear you say again how beautiful I was that day. But not when I know it would hurt you.

August 8,2009

It feels good to relive the past. I really missed talking to my best friends about the school paper and anything under the sun. Being associate editor is not all fun, I just loved writing. This day used to be weird for me, well, thirteen years ago. I can’t provide any scientific explanation why I’m so interested in love, pardon me, this is just the way I am. Boys in the classroom sprang up with questions like, “What if Daniel courted you? What would you do?” or “Does he have a chance on you?” I used to say that I didn’t know and I was too scared to try. To which they would reply, “How will you know if you won’t try?”

But today, I said, "No, he doesn't have any chance on me. I haven't moved on yet."

Yes, I haven't moved on. I haven't moved on from the way you looked at me, the way you touched my face. The way you cared for me. I haven't moved on from loving you. I haven't moved on from everything about you. Because everything I do just brings me back to you.

August 20, 2009

Today was his 15th birthday. I'll always be 6 months older than he is. And he really didn't start courting me back then until he turned the same age I was. But no, he won't be able to court me again.

He invited everyone to his birthday. People texted me to come. They said he suddenly frowned when he learned that I wouldn't be able to go. I knew he would be sad. I knew I would do anything to come and make him smile, but I pretended to be sick instead.

But I was there. I watched as the sun came down at the Grand Stand, just in front of the street he lived in. I sneaked in when he was gone. Just like I did on his first 15th birthday, when he suddenly turned around and saw me. He smiled like there was nothing that could make him happier that day. It's just that, he didn't see me today. He shouldn't.

How long will I have to keep watching you from afar? How long will I have to hold on to our memories? Even if you've hurt me a thousand times, it really won't stop me from following your eyes.

August 22, 2009

Can you believe this? I'm going through Trigonometry again! This is hell. And I hate assignments. I hate working at home. My cell phone suddenly beeped to alert me of a text message. Oh nice, just when I'm forgetting that I even had a cell phone. Daniel texted. He asked how I was. I wanted to push the reply button so bad, but I didn't.

You walked with me to the mall that day. Even when I looked like I had measles. The punch you made me drink the other night gave me allergies. Still, you took care of me like I was fragile, fearing that I was going to break. You introduced me to your parents that day. I never thought I was that special to you.

We walked at the Grand Stand as the sun was setting. I knew you were going to tell me about how you felt. But it rained. You gestured to take my hand and I put it on yours. To tell you that I'm trusting you, with all my life. The next thing I knew, we were running for shelter.

August 24, 2009

Going through high school again is so creepy. It's just that I get to be better at Math and Physics this time. When I entered the classroom, my journalism adviser asked me to go to Makati Science High School to get her book. She wanted me to come with Luna. Man, I remember having a hard time trying to find that Mr. Escote. But anyway, it's better than being idle.

We were walking across the corridor when Daniel appeared. I wonder why he's still interested in me when I'm being evident about not liking him.

"Euna, uhm, I just thought that maybe you could come with me to Makati High School? I don't know where that is. And they said you were going there, too," he said. I didn't know news could spread that fast. "Well, I'm already going with Luna. You can ask someone else." I walked straight ahead like I didn't see him.

At first, I was reluctant to come with you. But you insisted and said, "Don't worry, I won't leave you there all by yourself. I can't do that." So I went with you. You laid my head on your shoulder and you held my hand. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. Even when it felt like it wasn't right, I couldn't take my hand away.

I said "Yes". I didn't know why. I just knew you were the one I was looking for.

***

It's just an experiment :) I know it's not that good.

Certain conversations with the mind of that girl

I'm that girl. And I saw him last night.

• "I knew it was him. Ex-girlfriend instinct. And I know he knew it was me."


• "I'll always know who you are. Even in the dark. Even when your shadows and your silhouettes are all I see."


• "Hello, if you were in my position, if I greet him, that means admitting I was there. And what does that say about an ex-girlfriend wandering around the vicinities of his house?"


• "I know he knows it was me. But I know he's doubting, too. Knowing him, he'd probably be irritated. Maybe because I remind him of me. Or he'd think I still haven't moved on."


• "I miss him like the way I usually do. And it hurts to know that the things you want to happen are just plain impossible. But then again, maybe it's for the best."


• "Haha, not the case. I wasn't there because of him. Because really, the whole time, I wasn't thinking of running into him, because I rarely do. Who'd have thought he'd be biking late that night?"


• "So what did I feel? I don't know. Or at least I don't want to know."


• "Yeah. Just got my hopes up that maybe he would follow me or greet me. Grr, the truth slammed on my face. Again."


• "Define *spark*? And how will I know if there was one if I felt a 'major major' mixture of feelings that night? So bad. I think I'm more confused that he is."

You've let go and you've moved on. It's time to GET OVER him. Please.

This is why I love him. And this is why we’re damned.

DISCLAIMER: An excerpt from the book “Fallen” by Lauren Kate.

He turned to her. He looked so defeated, his costume uniform all bunched up, his gray eyes drooping. The roar of the waves almost overpowered his voice.

“I just need some time to think.”

Luce felt a lump rising in her throat all over again. She’d finally stopped crying, but Daniel was making this all so hard. “Why rescue me, then? Why come all the way out here to pick me up then yell at me, then ignore me?” She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black T-shirt, and the sea salt on her fingers made them sting. “Not that that’s very different from the way you treat me most of the time, but – "

Daniel spun around and smacked both his hands to his forehead. “You don’t get it, Luce.” He shook his head. “That’s the thing – you never do.”

There was nothing mean about his voice. In fact, it was almost too nice, like she was too dim to grasp whatever was obvious to him. Which made her absolutely furious.

“I don’t get it?” she asked. “I don’t get it? Let me tell you something about what I get. You think you’re so smart? I spent three years on a full academic scholarship at the best college-prep school in the country. And when they kicked me out, I had to petition – petition! – to keep them from wiping out my four-point-oh transcript.”

Daniel moved away, but Luce pursued him, taking a step forward for every wide-eyed step he took back. Probably freaking him out, but so what? He’d been asking for it every time he condescended her.

“I know Latin and French, and in middle school, I won the science fair three years in a row.”

She had backed him up against a railing of the boardwalk and was trying to restrain herself from poking him in the chest with her finger. She wasn’t finished. “I also do the Sunday crossword puzzle, sometimes in under an hour. I have an unerringly good sense of direction… though not always when it comes to guys.”

She swallowed and took in a moment to catch her breath.

“And someday, I’m going to be a psychiatrist who actually listens to her patients and helps people. Okay? So don’t keep talking to me like I’m stupid and don’t tell me I don’t understand just because I can’t decode your erratic, flaky, hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, frankly” – she looked up at him, letting out her breath – “really, hurtful behavior.” She brushed a tear away, angry with herself for getting so worked up.

“Shut up,” Daniel said, but he said it softly and so tenderly that Luce surprised both of them by obeying.

“I don’t think you’re stupid.” He closed his eyes. “I think you’re the smartest person I know. And the kindest. And” – he swallowed, opening his eyes to look directly at her – “the most beautiful.”

“Excuse me?”

He looked out at the ocean. “I’m just… so tired of this,” he said. He did sound exhausted.

“Of what?”

He looked over at her, with the saddest expression on his face, as if he had lost something precious. This was the Daniel she knew, though she couldn’t explain how or from where. This was the Daniel she… loved.

“You can show me,” she whispered.

He shook his head. But his lips were still so close to hers. And the look in his eyes was so alluring. It was almost as if he wanted her to how him first.

Her body quaked with nerves as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned toward him. She put her hand on his cheek and he blinked, but he didn’t move. She moved slowly, so slowly, as if she were scared to startle him, every second feeling petrified herself. And then, when they were close enough that her eyes were almost crossing, she closed them and pressed her lips against his.

The softest, feather light touch of their lips was all that connected them, but a fire Luce had never felt before coursed through her, and she knew she needed more of – all of – Daniel. It would be too much to ask him to need her the same way, to fold her in his arms like he’d done so many times in her dreams, to return her wishful kiss with one more powerful.

But he did.

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.

Confusion racking my brains. Ow!

Last time I checked, all posts here were gone. Deleted in just two minutes. Those posts of heartbreak, confusion, insecurity, anger, and a lot of negative feelings I wouldn't want to remember. Those were during my Dark Ages. My first break-up. And I had thought things wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get over that kind of feeling even after ten years. That I'd still love him and feel all helpless about it.

Well, no one could be more surprised than I am. I'm still glad I deleted those memories. I can't believe I was thinking that way before. I was all broken, so maybe that explains it.

I still flinch at the sound of his name. Or the very thought of it. And somehow, I like this part right now. The part where I'm wondering what I ever saw in that guy. Haha, I'm so evil. Anyway, I'm feeling all better now. I can't say I still love him, I don't even know if I'll be able to bring back the feelings. Maybe pain, because I still believe I honestly don't deserve what he did to me. But love? I doubt it. Though I'm not sure. I will be when I see him again, after some considerable amount of time.

I'm wondering. I had felt so sure before. About him. About us. Well, I'm totally wrong, and now I actually think it was a miracle that fate made us part ways. I've never been happier to be single. But how? How did I come to feel this way? It keeps surprising me.

Life and love goes on.

I never thought I'd ever find distractions that would really make me stop thinking about him. But I guess, it wasn't the distractions after all. It was me wanting to forget, letting him slip to the lowest of priorities in my life. Life goes on.

What if I get all alone, with nothing to do, no books to read, nothing to distract myself with? I doubt I could survive that. I'd find myself looking out the window, with regret swelling in my heart. I'd cry to myself, actually thinking that if I'd ever cry, he's all I would cry for. Love goes on.

Time heals all things, sometimes with painkillers, sometimes not. Moving on is just a matter of the mind. How we see things, how we let go, how we find the courage to accept and forgive and turn our backs to the ones we hold dear. It's a matter of having the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself.

Now I wonder how I ever managed to feel numb. How did I ever shut my mouth when I had a million things to say, and my heart would explode if I chose to stay put? How did I ever get more concerned about breaking a friend's heart than speaking up? How come I could pretend to be stoic or happy when inside I was swelling up with anger or hurt?

I can always say that it's Love. Inspiring isn't it? But my brain's all racked up to believe. I have a feeling that it's something more than that, I just can't quite figure it out yet. Sigh. Time is on my side, it's got painkillers with it to keep me away from loneliness. I'm fine with that.