Right in the Middle

Got this amazing artwork from Jess Chadlys

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Her: Can I tell you something about Antone? Wanna know something about him?

Me: My heart jumps when I hear his name, I'm not ready, my sweet lady.

Her: You serious? But I just wanna tell you, though. I'm saying it.

Me:  If it will cause me to think about him for the next 72 hours, please not. Um, for the next 1 week pala! Hahaha.

Her: HE'S IN THE TOWN. I SAW HIM AT SCHOOL TWICE. SO YEAH. I THINK HE'LL STAY HERE FOR A WHILE. I dont know if this is a big issue. But i just wanna tell you.

Me: Oh. :)) not a big issue. =)) Hahaha. I know better, since last last month. And I already stopped following his tracks.

Her: See? Hahaha. I just really wanna tell you. We're all tryna forget. Hahaha you, me and pat. Hahahaha what the hell.

Me: The next time, 'wag na! Haha. Forgetting is a decision to not nurture your emotions, feelings, and interest. I'm not yet ready to hear something new about him, and I guess I'll never be.

Her: Haha but it's tempting. Oh well. Ya know, when you get a good news, you wanna share it :)))

Me: :)) one piece of good news is one sleepless night. And I don't really know if anything is good or not when it comes to him. I've lost my rational thought. :)) I'm not apathetic, my heart jumps, but the feeling is something that stays right in the middle, and undefinable.

Certain conversations with the mind of that girl

I'm that girl. And I saw him last night.

• "I knew it was him. Ex-girlfriend instinct. And I know he knew it was me."


• "I'll always know who you are. Even in the dark. Even when your shadows and your silhouettes are all I see."


• "Hello, if you were in my position, if I greet him, that means admitting I was there. And what does that say about an ex-girlfriend wandering around the vicinities of his house?"


• "I know he knows it was me. But I know he's doubting, too. Knowing him, he'd probably be irritated. Maybe because I remind him of me. Or he'd think I still haven't moved on."


• "I miss him like the way I usually do. And it hurts to know that the things you want to happen are just plain impossible. But then again, maybe it's for the best."


• "Haha, not the case. I wasn't there because of him. Because really, the whole time, I wasn't thinking of running into him, because I rarely do. Who'd have thought he'd be biking late that night?"


• "So what did I feel? I don't know. Or at least I don't want to know."


• "Yeah. Just got my hopes up that maybe he would follow me or greet me. Grr, the truth slammed on my face. Again."


• "Define *spark*? And how will I know if there was one if I felt a 'major major' mixture of feelings that night? So bad. I think I'm more confused that he is."

You've let go and you've moved on. It's time to GET OVER him. Please.

Kholyn – Krishna Conversation

*Text Message

Kholyn:

God is the
best healer, why depend on time?

Krishna:

Doesn’t God
heal with time?

Kholyn:

God has His
own time.

*LOL, Krishna.
Kokontra ka pa eh. =))

Jaggy – Krishna Conversation

On Facebook

Jaggy

3:49 PM

Moving on isn't about time or therapy.

Me

3:50 PM

Then what?

Jaggy

3:50 PM

It’s about having a purpose to move on.

Hangga’t wala ka nun, ‘di mo mapipilit makapag move on.

Only scars take time but not moving on.

Me

3:52 PM

Makes sense.

I'm ceasing to blame my headaches on fate.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. ~John Levi Masuli

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my lifegroup leader. She told me that I was set for Victory Weekend on August 21. A day after his birthday, and three days before our supposed anniversary. I laughed out loud for no reason why. And she knew right then that I wanted to say something. But I couldn't say it. So I continued to giggle and laugh.

I think I recovered after a few minutes. Then I started to tell her about my first and only ex-boyfriend. I told her all the sides of the story, including the part where I was supposed to trust, but I didn't. Shame on me. Yet she only said, "You deserve better. No, actually, you deserve the best. Remember, the enemy of better is always best." She said that God loves me so much and He would give me the best. Maybe He just wants me to learn something.

I read this verse a few days ago, and it's been on my mind ever since.

"Forget about what happened long ago! Don't think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?" - Isaiah 43:18-19 (CEV)

I guess it's time for me to move on. Though I kind of told myself somehow that the reason why I'm stuck is because I love him and I believe that love lasts forever, it's still not an excuse to keep looking back and be regretful. Because I know those painful details of my life were painted by my Father to complete the beyond-beautiful, bigger picture.

It's not just fate. It's God working in my life. It's Him letting me go through the process of being hurt so I would know better. It's Him preparing me spiritually and emotionally for my true love.

Broken relationships are not mishaps. There's a reason why it all had to happen. And eventually, I have to stop wasting my emotions for things that are already said and done.

I have to stop giving away parts of myself and start saving it for the one who's meant for me.

"Promise me... never to awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs 2:7 (CEV)

And I know I'm not yet ready.