by Krishna Lou T. Ayungao
10-10917; BA Communication
*FICTION. Italic characters pertain to Euna's final thoughts and past.
"And I die, one day at a time, 'cause I just can't seem to get you off my mind. No matter how I try, try to kill the time. I think that I'm just going crazy, one day at a time." ~Jonas Brothers
June 8, 2009
The wind was upon my face. And I felt like I was floating in air. And white light. It seemed like a long time that I was in that state. I barely recalled what happened only minutes ago. Ouch! What the heck? What was that? Oh okay, now I’m sane. What the hell just happened? I think I landed in the middle of four connected buildings. I looked down only to see that I was wearing a blouse with a sailor collar and a very long skirt. I’ve seen this uniform somewhere. I touched my face and felt pimples creating bumps on my skin. Teenage life. Suddenly, it came back to me. I am wearing my high school uniform. And I am in my former school. Why? Because I had wished to come back here. I felt a pinch on my heart. I wanted to come back here. Okay, that’s it! I didn’t come all the way to Bermuda Triangle to be brought to my past.
I noticed I was wearing my maroon ID lace. I knew right then that I was back to my senior year. I had the feeling that my four years in high school was vague. I hardly remember those three years I knew were fun. High school was summarized by my senior year. Painful and torturing. Do I really have to go through all this again?
“Eunaaaaa! I miss you! So much! I’m just so excited. We’re already in fourth year. Can you believe that? And what have you been up to? I rarely saw you this summer. And what the? Why are you sitting there? Where are your things?” a familiar voice said. For a second, it made me smile to hear that voice. It was Luna, with Katrice. Two of my few high school best friends. It was just like before. Exactly like before.
But I was just too shocked to reply. So now it wasn’t like before. Because my memories told me that I hugged them in excitement. This was the year I’ve been waiting for. I was surprised that my crush since sophomore year was in our class. Not to brag, but some considered us an elite section, the cream section. Of course it was all stereotype, we’re just like the other kids.
We proceeded to line up in front of our classroom. My world stopped when I saw him. He was sitting quietly bearing the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. But I knew he wouldn’t be quiet. I knew a hundred things about him even when at that time and place, I wasn’t supposed to know anything. My mind raced to all the times we were together. Flashbacks of memories and sweetness, of hurt and impossibility. I had my back on him, but I knew – like before – that he was looking at me every minute he had that day.
Is it right to look in your eyes and hope that somehow you would remember me? Is it right to let you go through this again? I don’t know. Since I’ve seen those eyes, I never knew what was right anymore.
July 10, 2009
I woke up and it was already July 10. Okaaay, my time frame is so freaking me out. I mean, how in the world do you sleep on June 8 and wake up on July 10 in just ten hours? Well, of course I went to school. I really can’t bear to disappoint my mom, I know she wouldn’t believe me when I say that I’ve already been through high school and I’m supposed to be 28 years old right now.
The day went on normally. Janine came up to ask me about how I’m coping with Justin. It had been two months since he had his first girlfriend; it kind of hurt my pride that time. I swore I wouldn’t believe in guys anymore. I said I was okay, because I was, and I had to think for three minutes to figure out what happened between me and Justin. That couldn’t be strange enough considering what’s happening to me right now. Today, my teacher in Filipino asked us to write about something painful, I refused to write and cry for my grandmother who died only months ago from the time that I'm in. I refused to sit in front of him like I did thirteen years ago. I wanted to write about him, about us. But it wouldn’t be right. Because now I know why I was brought here. I ‘m here to undo the things that would hurt us both in the future.
If I went on with my life without you, would I forget about you? Would I be happier? Would some other guy be able to hurt me like you did? A part of me would never be happy, knowing that being loved by you would be worth more than anything else. A part of me would always be happy, because I had the chance to be with you again, and now I choose not to hurt you.
July 26, 2009
Mrs. Valdez informed me that I would be joining a certain pageant with Daniel. It wasn't like me to say that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't have turned down the offer. But then again, I said no.
I would give up anything to go back to that time when you looked at me like I was the only girl who existed. Like I would be the one for you. I'd give up anything to hear you say again how beautiful I was that day. But not when I know it would hurt you.
August 8,2009
It feels good to relive the past. I really missed talking to my best friends about the school paper and anything under the sun. Being associate editor is not all fun, I just loved writing. This day used to be weird for me, well, thirteen years ago. I can’t provide any scientific explanation why I’m so interested in love, pardon me, this is just the way I am. Boys in the classroom sprang up with questions like, “What if Daniel courted you? What would you do?” or “Does he have a chance on you?” I used to say that I didn’t know and I was too scared to try. To which they would reply, “How will you know if you won’t try?”
But today, I said, "No, he doesn't have any chance on me. I haven't moved on yet."
Yes, I haven't moved on. I haven't moved on from the way you looked at me, the way you touched my face. The way you cared for me. I haven't moved on from loving you. I haven't moved on from everything about you. Because everything I do just brings me back to you.
August 20, 2009
Today was his 15th birthday. I'll always be 6 months older than he is. And he really didn't start courting me back then until he turned the same age I was. But no, he won't be able to court me again.
He invited everyone to his birthday. People texted me to come. They said he suddenly frowned when he learned that I wouldn't be able to go. I knew he would be sad. I knew I would do anything to come and make him smile, but I pretended to be sick instead.
But I was there. I watched as the sun came down at the Grand Stand, just in front of the street he lived in. I sneaked in when he was gone. Just like I did on his first 15th birthday, when he suddenly turned around and saw me. He smiled like there was nothing that could make him happier that day. It's just that, he didn't see me today. He shouldn't.
How long will I have to keep watching you from afar? How long will I have to hold on to our memories? Even if you've hurt me a thousand times, it really won't stop me from following your eyes.
August 22, 2009
Can you believe this? I'm going through Trigonometry again! This is hell. And I hate assignments. I hate working at home. My cell phone suddenly beeped to alert me of a text message. Oh nice, just when I'm forgetting that I even had a cell phone. Daniel texted. He asked how I was. I wanted to push the reply button so bad, but I didn't.
You walked with me to the mall that day. Even when I looked like I had measles. The punch you made me drink the other night gave me allergies. Still, you took care of me like I was fragile, fearing that I was going to break. You introduced me to your parents that day. I never thought I was that special to you.
We walked at the Grand Stand as the sun was setting. I knew you were going to tell me about how you felt. But it rained. You gestured to take my hand and I put it on yours. To tell you that I'm trusting you, with all my life. The next thing I knew, we were running for shelter.
August 24, 2009
Going through high school again is so creepy. It's just that I get to be better at Math and Physics this time. When I entered the classroom, my journalism adviser asked me to go to Makati Science High School to get her book. She wanted me to come with Luna. Man, I remember having a hard time trying to find that Mr. Escote. But anyway, it's better than being idle.
We were walking across the corridor when Daniel appeared. I wonder why he's still interested in me when I'm being evident about not liking him.
"Euna, uhm, I just thought that maybe you could come with me to Makati High School? I don't know where that is. And they said you were going there, too," he said. I didn't know news could spread that fast. "Well, I'm already going with Luna. You can ask someone else." I walked straight ahead like I didn't see him.
At first, I was reluctant to come with you. But you insisted and said, "Don't worry, I won't leave you there all by yourself. I can't do that." So I went with you. You laid my head on your shoulder and you held my hand. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. Even when it felt like it wasn't right, I couldn't take my hand away.
I said "Yes". I didn't know why. I just knew you were the one I was looking for.
***
It's just an experiment :) I know it's not that good.
