Prom and the Great Unknown

DISCLAIMER: I know the intro sucks, but stick around. XD

Prom. People say it's one of the best things that will happen in your life. I am one of those girls who, at one point of their lives, existed for prom. That one point may just be for a few minutes. But I keep wondering why certain things seem convincing that it could change our lives.

I wish I could say I hoped my last dance would last forever, but I never even got to dance with my special someone that night. I smiled my way through, and no one knew it was one of the unhappiest moments of my life. I cried myself to sleep that day. Looking back, I can't even feel a tinge of pain that I had felt. I felt ugly, unwanted, and unloved, but not anymore. Maybe this is what healing feels like. It's surprising when you don't even care about the past. My 15-year-old self would never have bought the idea that what mattered to me then would not really matter to me now. Who would have known that after all those years of boy hunting and insecurity, there would actually be a time that I would genuinely not care about boys? Who would have thought that the confident girl who had so many friends in high school would actually be an introvert who finds it hard to build deep relationships with new people? And who would have foreseen that I'd be a total opposite of who I was before?


God totally saw that coming. In fact, I think He's the mastermind of whatever I'm going through right now. I'm beginning to think that the phrase "people change" is so underrated. People would usually see that in a person when a person's change affects them and it's so obvious. But what about what's happening inside of a person? Do we usually take the time to know what's really going on even when it's not affecting us? No one would have known I'm going through this season when I feel totally unsure of who I am. Now, I can say that God knows me better and really believe it. I still talk to my old friends the same way. I'm still the fun, jolly, assertive, and demanding Krishna. But when I'm around new people, I find it so hard to initiate a conversation, and I can't take small talk. It's like literally living two lives, and that's not new at all.

Before this time in my life, I would claim to be a Christian, go to church, and impart really wise stuff to my youth group, but my integrity was falling apart. What I do when no one's around is what matters. It is the time when it's just the two of us -- God and me -- and I would boldly disregard him and do something wrong. I realized that what I feel right now -- invisible, unwanted, and uninteresting -- might be exactly what God is feeling whenever I sin in secret. I can never know how desperately He wants to be with me, but I know that the intensity of it so great that it cost Him his son. Thankfully, my integrity is now founded on grace, and I don't have to try so hard with my own effort because I know God will come through. I think He wants me to learn something from this. First, relationships takes time and effort. Second, whenever I feel insecure, I just have to be firm in faith that God knows what I feel and I am who He says I am: loved, wanted, accepted, valuable, and a daughter of the most high God.

I am writing because my heart goes out to all the people who feel misunderstood and could not speak up, whether they are Christians or not. I am sure God does not want us to feel alone, cause He's always there. But the church is a family, and no one's supposed to feel that way when you're part of it -- not even me. I'm trying hard, but sometimes I just can't get through, so I thank all the people who took the time to reach out, sit with me, and sincerely listen to what I have to say. It's easy to overlook people who feel so lonely and frustrated because they can't fit in. A person could smile and say hi, and we wouldn't know what they're really feeling. We cannot assume that people do not want to open up, because they do at some point. Sometimes we just have to ask 'cause they're not really trying hard. It's easy to accept people when you don't see the baggage that they're hiding. And I believe there's a yearning in everyone to be able to hold their head up high and know that someone accepts them for who they are no matter what.

If you have only started to know me now, you wouldn't know that I was a selfish girl who always talked about myself. I thought people wanted to hear me out, and they actually listened. For all I know, they were forcing themselves to bear with me cause the things I was saying were not even worth it. Now I'm on the other side of things. I can't even say anything without fearing that I'd make the conversation awkward, or what I had to say is not interesting. So many people out there just want to be heard. So go hear them out, listen, and really care about them, not because you want them to do the same when it's your turn to talk, but just really having that passion to see what God is doing in that person's life, and knowing what they need. When it's all said and done, you might just have the right words to tell them. Maybe you would do that to a person you want to minister to, but you just never know. The most unlikely people might be the ones who need it the most.

Silly me. I'm talking to a blog. Until now, no one has known my prom was devastating. A few people know that I'm going through this right now, including you. But that's our little secret. Ross Frazier just walked out of the church door saying, "You'll make it. If it means anything, you'll make it." Funny, he doesn't even know I'm writing this. I know seasons come and go, but we never know how long it's going to last. God does give the right people in my life whom I can tell the whole truth about myself to, and I won't be feeling this in the future. But while I'm here, I'm making the most out of it. God has put me on the other side of the fence and I have a feeling that a lot of people are walking around feeling this way more that I have imagined.

To the One who hears

Because today is the 2nd anniversary of my first break-up, I'm blogging.

Hahaha, kidding. I don't have another reason to blog aside from God, who is such a hit -- a timeless topic. If I'm blogging about frustrations, it's not because I want the whole world to know how pissed and messed up I am. But it is actually an act of lifting it up to the One who hears my unheard cries and never fails to answer.

In our church, we have a 7-Day Prayer and Fasting every January. And this is something I wrote in my Devotion Notebook -- a list of all that I asked for this year or Faith Goals as they call it:

Click to enlarge. Prayers and Promises.

 

It's already November, and He has answered the things I've prayed and fasted for (and even more, though it's not written here, haha!). You can compare the two photos and see which promises He has fulfilled already.

Click to enlarge. Answered Prayers and Fulfilled Promises.

 

If you took the time to see which one's missing, you'll see that I have not put there yet the item "Restoration of Relationships". But I believe that before the year ends, friendships and relationships will be restored by Him, the healer of hearts. If not this year, there's always next year. I believe that His timing is always right. And who knows, it might have been answered already, just not how I expected it to be. :)

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God,

Thank You for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I know that You know my needs even before I ask, and that You provide them at the proper time, never too early and never too late. Thank You for giving me the strength and grace to do Your will in my life. Thank You because You said that when I cry, you hear it for You are compassionate. Even when I question You and Your ways, I believe that You are faithful, You never change, and that You will only give the best for me, Your daughter. I love You, because You loved me first, and I know that You will always love me more.

-Krishna

Note to self:

Hi there, Krishna.

This is yourself, speaking to you. A few years from now, I know you will look back and read your whole blog over again. I know you tend to re-read so much when it comes to your writings. I hope you come across these 15 notes someday.

1. Seek God first, and everything else will be given to you. Surrender to Him everything that you have. Choose Him first. Love Him more than you will ever love any person.


2. Always remember that you are perfect and beautiful as you are. God knew what he was doing when He made you. You can be so fat or so thin, but please don't try to impress people. Instead, strive to impress God. His impression matters most.


3. Filter your thoughts and your feelings. Emotions come and go, it's natural. But sometimes, you nurture it. Know when to ignore the negative feelings and get rid or your negative thoughts. You have a big God who loves you, and He doesn't want you to feel or think that way.


4. If you are mad or sad, be more careful that you might not endanger other people's feelings or perspectives by the things you say or do. If you're tired, and you're doing all the work, it's your choice to do so. Don't think that other people deserve to suffer, too (of course, unless they want to help and carry some of your burden).


5. Honor your parents. Give back to them. Obey them, but not if you have to compromise what God wants. Love them, and forgive them no matter how much they have hurt you. You have also hurt them as well.


6. Nothing is impossible for God. If He has put dreams and desires in your heart, I'm quite sure that He did so because He intends to fulfill it in your life. Though you must distinguish which ones come from you and which ones come from Him. He has faithfully done great things in your life, so why are you doubting now? Believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief.


7. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if no one's watching. Live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to feel all kinds of emotions out there. Don't conform to the standards of this world. Don't be conventional. Do hard things!


8. Never tell your future kids that they are ugly even if they're fat, they're dark, etc. Never tell them that they're unworthy, even when you're angry. Remember that they are special and priceless in God's eyes. Their image reflects the image of God. Their worth and their beauty encompasses the standards of this world.


9. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Let your anger fade away before you scold your future children or argue with your future husband. Be sure that you think rationally when you do so. And when you don't have the resolve to do it, be sure to say sorry when you know you're wrong.


10. Exercise to stay healthy, not to lose weight. Wear less and less make-up as the years pass. Encourage and compliment others, they need it.


11. Rest. You need to rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is a kind of rest that only God can give. Don't forget to come to Him if you ever need that kind of rest.


12. Forgive, forget, and let go. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and treat them as if nothing happened before. Let go of the issues you had with them. Don't bring it back even in arguments.


13. Be a biblical woman. Know what God designed you to be. Don't be too dominant, aggressive, or assumptive. Learn to be gentle and supportive.


14. Always give back the glory to God. He has given you everything you have. Your intellect, your talent, your calling. Whether it's performing for other people, tithing, or serving God, give Him what He deserves.


15. Hide God's word in your heart always. It is your sword and your shield. You can't fight the battle without it. You won't be able to do everything written above without doing this.

Love,
Yourself

PS. No pun intended.

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker

The Makings of a Bloody Sandwich

     “Hey, please take care,” he said as he planted a kiss on the cheek of his girlfriend.

     “Of course I will,” she handed him a lunch box. “Here, I cooked something for you. I know you’re going to miss me.”

     “You shouldn’t have, I’ve already eaten.”

     “You’re a terrible liar, you know that? You can’t even cook.”

     He smiled, and took the lunch box. He knew he was going to miss her. He gave her a big hug before he rode the jeep. The ride was going to last for four hours, and it was going to be dead boring. There was nothing to see except for trees in this rural area. He had been contemplating about his life these days. Going to Mindanao was a choice out of nowhere. He didn’t really know why he studied in UP just to be miles away from his family, writing for his country.

     He thought his butt was growing numb. His legs were having cramps already. “Are we there yet?” he thought to himself. Yet he really didn’t care. He needed the money for his family, and he would go anywhere just to get a news story. Then he thought about his girlfriend, Serah. Her face was appearing in his head for the rest of the trip. It really wasn’t a mistake that he had gone in this place where he was a stranger. He wouldn’t have met her if it wasn’t for this choice.

     Abruptly, the jeep stopped moving. “Thank God,” he thought. He twisted his neck to take a look outside. They were in the middle of a rocky road surrounded by trees. He got the feeling that this wasn’t the place yet. There were only trees, and a road track of dust. There were armed men, more or less a hundred of them. He suddenly felt fear and curiosity at the same time. This could be the perfect news, but he wasn’t in a good position to start with.

      “Everyone, get off the jeep,” said one of them. “Get off the jeep now!” Several gunshots in the air followed.

     One by one, the passengers went down with hands held up high. He was holding the lunchbox. He didn’t know what was happening. “We’re going to be safe. We’re going to be safe,” he said to himself, like a silent litany. The armed men made them all line up. Again, he heard a ripple of gunshots, and blood splashed in every one of those shots. They blasted the head of the man next to him. Then his body budged. He was shot a number of times, like all the others. This time, he really went numb after he felt the pain. He fell on his knees, and then his face was on the ground. He kept looking at the lunch box just beside his face. It was open, chicken and rice scattered on the ground. She cooked Adobo for him, he had smelled it; how he wished he had eaten it. She cooks the best food ever. After a second or two, he passed out.

     Laughter was heard from the armed men. They were having fun, like it was all just a game. They ruled this place called Maguindanao. They had guns, and they had power. They shot everyone as if there was no tomorrow, as if there would never be a payback time.

     On November 23, 2009, the Maguindanao (Ampatuan) Massacre happened. It was noted as the single deadliest event for journalists in history by the Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ). It happened just because of a challenge of candidacy in Elections 2010. Fifty-seven people died, twenty-eight were journalists. And this gave way for the Philippines to be called the second most dangerous country for journalists in the world.

     Journalists were killed. Women were shot on their sex organs. They all lay dead on the ground. Their helpless bodies were thrown in a deep pit. They were covered with soil. It was like the perfect way to make sandwich. Then, the next ingredients were the vehicles, thrown in just after their bodies. Again, it was covered with soil. The last bodies were thrown in again. And finally, a thick layer of soil. Yes, it was just like a sandwich.

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maguindanao_massacre

“Kung Paano Gumawa ng Sandwich” by John Levi Masuli; UP Baguio Outcrop November 2009 Issue

Um, uh-oh. Baguio. It's tomorrow.

Yes, I'm officially off to Baguio tomorrow. Am I freaking out? Am I being all nervous and/or excited. No, I am not. Am I abnormal? Yes, I guess so.

Oh right, homesickness. I'm still not ready for it. Although my mom is going to be with me for two days (and is actually more excited than I am, 'cause she told me to pack my things up two weeks before), being away from my family without nothing to do is going to kill me. Seriously.

Hm, can someone give me a proper itinerary? Since I'm in Baguio, and UP has no classes on Mondays, I'm going to spend my free days visiting all museums, parks and wonderful places in and near the city. Of course, with my best friend JesaLuna, whom I easily convinced to make UPB her second choice. But probably on most Mondays, the plan will be a major FAIL because she sleeps ALL DAY.

And aren't there haunted houses in Baguio? Ooh, exciting.

I guess I'll just take things the way they go. I have everything planned out for me, but I don't know if fate agrees with me.

Confusion racking my brains. Ow!

Last time I checked, all posts here were gone. Deleted in just two minutes. Those posts of heartbreak, confusion, insecurity, anger, and a lot of negative feelings I wouldn't want to remember. Those were during my Dark Ages. My first break-up. And I had thought things wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get over that kind of feeling even after ten years. That I'd still love him and feel all helpless about it.

Well, no one could be more surprised than I am. I'm still glad I deleted those memories. I can't believe I was thinking that way before. I was all broken, so maybe that explains it.

I still flinch at the sound of his name. Or the very thought of it. And somehow, I like this part right now. The part where I'm wondering what I ever saw in that guy. Haha, I'm so evil. Anyway, I'm feeling all better now. I can't say I still love him, I don't even know if I'll be able to bring back the feelings. Maybe pain, because I still believe I honestly don't deserve what he did to me. But love? I doubt it. Though I'm not sure. I will be when I see him again, after some considerable amount of time.

I'm wondering. I had felt so sure before. About him. About us. Well, I'm totally wrong, and now I actually think it was a miracle that fate made us part ways. I've never been happier to be single. But how? How did I come to feel this way? It keeps surprising me.

Life and love goes on.

I never thought I'd ever find distractions that would really make me stop thinking about him. But I guess, it wasn't the distractions after all. It was me wanting to forget, letting him slip to the lowest of priorities in my life. Life goes on.

What if I get all alone, with nothing to do, no books to read, nothing to distract myself with? I doubt I could survive that. I'd find myself looking out the window, with regret swelling in my heart. I'd cry to myself, actually thinking that if I'd ever cry, he's all I would cry for. Love goes on.

Time heals all things, sometimes with painkillers, sometimes not. Moving on is just a matter of the mind. How we see things, how we let go, how we find the courage to accept and forgive and turn our backs to the ones we hold dear. It's a matter of having the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself.

Now I wonder how I ever managed to feel numb. How did I ever shut my mouth when I had a million things to say, and my heart would explode if I chose to stay put? How did I ever get more concerned about breaking a friend's heart than speaking up? How come I could pretend to be stoic or happy when inside I was swelling up with anger or hurt?

I can always say that it's Love. Inspiring isn't it? But my brain's all racked up to believe. I have a feeling that it's something more than that, I just can't quite figure it out yet. Sigh. Time is on my side, it's got painkillers with it to keep me away from loneliness. I'm fine with that.