Right in the Middle

Got this amazing artwork from Jess Chadlys

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Her: Can I tell you something about Antone? Wanna know something about him?

Me: My heart jumps when I hear his name, I'm not ready, my sweet lady.

Her: You serious? But I just wanna tell you, though. I'm saying it.

Me:  If it will cause me to think about him for the next 72 hours, please not. Um, for the next 1 week pala! Hahaha.

Her: HE'S IN THE TOWN. I SAW HIM AT SCHOOL TWICE. SO YEAH. I THINK HE'LL STAY HERE FOR A WHILE. I dont know if this is a big issue. But i just wanna tell you.

Me: Oh. :)) not a big issue. =)) Hahaha. I know better, since last last month. And I already stopped following his tracks.

Her: See? Hahaha. I just really wanna tell you. We're all tryna forget. Hahaha you, me and pat. Hahahaha what the hell.

Me: The next time, 'wag na! Haha. Forgetting is a decision to not nurture your emotions, feelings, and interest. I'm not yet ready to hear something new about him, and I guess I'll never be.

Her: Haha but it's tempting. Oh well. Ya know, when you get a good news, you wanna share it :)))

Me: :)) one piece of good news is one sleepless night. And I don't really know if anything is good or not when it comes to him. I've lost my rational thought. :)) I'm not apathetic, my heart jumps, but the feeling is something that stays right in the middle, and undefinable.

What Is It, Really?

*Of how the break-up happened. I guess I just wrote it so as not to forget, because my relationship with him is not worth forgetting, good times and bad times alike. Also, I passed this for my Creative Writing 10 Character Sketch assignment, and I wrote this in class, the day of the deadline. I was forced to, 'cause it was the easiest thing to write about. Haha! It was vivid as it can be though it's one year after it all happened.

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I looked away from him, and stared at nothing in particular. I knew this wasn't going to be good when he told me we had to talk the next day, and left me alone without even saying goodbye. The moment was awkward, I don't even know if I was going to be happy or sad when he started to speak.

“I know you don't want to, but you have to let me go,” he said quietly. I stood there for a moment as I tried to digest the weight of that sentence. Could it be that easy? This time, I looked at him, at his eyes that usually softened when he sees me. There was nothing in there, or maybe a hint of painful indifference.

“Why?” I stammered. I had nothing to say except that, because it all came so suddenly.

“You wouldn't understand me if I told you.”

“Why do you always say that? You always think people won't understand you. I'm here. I may not know you as much as you know me, but I can understand you.”

“Let's just end this, okay?”

“No. What is it, really? Am I being so predictable now?”

“I just... I don't want you and your mom to fight anymore because of me. I don't want people judging me because of this relationship. It's getting wrong. We've isolated ourselves already. We're not growing.”

And then he walked away. Just like that. Starting that day, it was so easy for him to ignore me, to walk around the same halls as if I didn't exist, as if he hadn't heard of my name before. I knew life wouldn't stop just because we broke up, but self-pity got the best of me. I cried and made sure everyone knew I was depressed. While he went on with his life as if nothing happened, laughing and cracking up jokes more frequently. But I’ve seen his weary face when he comes home and have known his quietness when he’s with his family. Everyone thought he was happy and fine. Only both of us knew that he was not.

They judged him for breaking my heart. They judged him for all the wrong reasons I made them see. Weeks passed before he finally talked to me. Maybe because of the countless assumptions I've posted on my Facebook wall. My assumptions killed him. I couldn’t understand him so I generated my own conclusion as to why he suddenly broke up with me.

“I don't know if you're numb or just plain stupid.” he said. It was the first time I've ever received an insult from him.

“Excuse me?”

“I don't understand why there are weak people like you. Can't you just stop looking at the rear view mirror and fix your gaze straight ahead?”

“Now you're calling me weak. At least I'm not afraid of people judging me when I cry. At least I’m not pretending to have forgotten everything so quickly. At least I’m not locked up with the masculine norms you’re limiting yourself to.”

“You still don’t understand, do you?”

“What don’t I understand? Why don’t you just tell me?”

“You think you know everything. Now you’re hurt, you make assumptions and excuses just so you can say you know what I’m going through. Are you really insensitive? Can’t you see that your assumptions hurt me? Can’t you see how much it hurts when people judge me because of it? Can’t you trust that I can and I’m willing to wait for the right time? But now I’m hurt, and I don’t feel anything towards you but hatred.”

For the second time, I stood there beside him, speechless. I did digest everything he said immediately. I tried to find more excuses. He should’ve told me that long ago so I wouldn’t judge him, I thought to myself. I couldn’t understand how that transition happened. We had been so happy, and he had never shown pain. I tried saying sorry so many times, but I knew he thought I only wanted to bring him back.

I knew how his mind worked some times, but more often than not, I don’t. And I felt I had to run away. So I turned my back on him, because I knew my pride and his pride were holding us back. He never told me the real reasons; he kept me hanging and expected that I would understand in time. I never did, though. Maybe I really didn’t understand him after all, and maybe he was right to think that explanations are useless. We’ve only agreed to our faults; his fault was not providing me an explanation and mine was not trusting him.

But that was a long time ago, when I would rather have him hate me, than be apathetic towards me. I guess you could call us friends now. But I still couldn’t read him after everything we’ve been through. He remains a mystery. Even when we’re together, I’m not really sure if all the smile and laughter he’s showing is just another front he’s making.

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker

Certain conversations with the mind of that girl

I'm that girl. And I saw him last night.

• "I knew it was him. Ex-girlfriend instinct. And I know he knew it was me."


• "I'll always know who you are. Even in the dark. Even when your shadows and your silhouettes are all I see."


• "Hello, if you were in my position, if I greet him, that means admitting I was there. And what does that say about an ex-girlfriend wandering around the vicinities of his house?"


• "I know he knows it was me. But I know he's doubting, too. Knowing him, he'd probably be irritated. Maybe because I remind him of me. Or he'd think I still haven't moved on."


• "I miss him like the way I usually do. And it hurts to know that the things you want to happen are just plain impossible. But then again, maybe it's for the best."


• "Haha, not the case. I wasn't there because of him. Because really, the whole time, I wasn't thinking of running into him, because I rarely do. Who'd have thought he'd be biking late that night?"


• "So what did I feel? I don't know. Or at least I don't want to know."


• "Yeah. Just got my hopes up that maybe he would follow me or greet me. Grr, the truth slammed on my face. Again."


• "Define *spark*? And how will I know if there was one if I felt a 'major major' mixture of feelings that night? So bad. I think I'm more confused that he is."

You've let go and you've moved on. It's time to GET OVER him. Please.

This is why I love him. And this is why we’re damned.

DISCLAIMER: An excerpt from the book “Fallen” by Lauren Kate.

He turned to her. He looked so defeated, his costume uniform all bunched up, his gray eyes drooping. The roar of the waves almost overpowered his voice.

“I just need some time to think.”

Luce felt a lump rising in her throat all over again. She’d finally stopped crying, but Daniel was making this all so hard. “Why rescue me, then? Why come all the way out here to pick me up then yell at me, then ignore me?” She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black T-shirt, and the sea salt on her fingers made them sting. “Not that that’s very different from the way you treat me most of the time, but – "

Daniel spun around and smacked both his hands to his forehead. “You don’t get it, Luce.” He shook his head. “That’s the thing – you never do.”

There was nothing mean about his voice. In fact, it was almost too nice, like she was too dim to grasp whatever was obvious to him. Which made her absolutely furious.

“I don’t get it?” she asked. “I don’t get it? Let me tell you something about what I get. You think you’re so smart? I spent three years on a full academic scholarship at the best college-prep school in the country. And when they kicked me out, I had to petition – petition! – to keep them from wiping out my four-point-oh transcript.”

Daniel moved away, but Luce pursued him, taking a step forward for every wide-eyed step he took back. Probably freaking him out, but so what? He’d been asking for it every time he condescended her.

“I know Latin and French, and in middle school, I won the science fair three years in a row.”

She had backed him up against a railing of the boardwalk and was trying to restrain herself from poking him in the chest with her finger. She wasn’t finished. “I also do the Sunday crossword puzzle, sometimes in under an hour. I have an unerringly good sense of direction… though not always when it comes to guys.”

She swallowed and took in a moment to catch her breath.

“And someday, I’m going to be a psychiatrist who actually listens to her patients and helps people. Okay? So don’t keep talking to me like I’m stupid and don’t tell me I don’t understand just because I can’t decode your erratic, flaky, hot-one-minute-cold-the-next, frankly” – she looked up at him, letting out her breath – “really, hurtful behavior.” She brushed a tear away, angry with herself for getting so worked up.

“Shut up,” Daniel said, but he said it softly and so tenderly that Luce surprised both of them by obeying.

“I don’t think you’re stupid.” He closed his eyes. “I think you’re the smartest person I know. And the kindest. And” – he swallowed, opening his eyes to look directly at her – “the most beautiful.”

“Excuse me?”

He looked out at the ocean. “I’m just… so tired of this,” he said. He did sound exhausted.

“Of what?”

He looked over at her, with the saddest expression on his face, as if he had lost something precious. This was the Daniel she knew, though she couldn’t explain how or from where. This was the Daniel she… loved.

“You can show me,” she whispered.

He shook his head. But his lips were still so close to hers. And the look in his eyes was so alluring. It was almost as if he wanted her to how him first.

Her body quaked with nerves as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned toward him. She put her hand on his cheek and he blinked, but he didn’t move. She moved slowly, so slowly, as if she were scared to startle him, every second feeling petrified herself. And then, when they were close enough that her eyes were almost crossing, she closed them and pressed her lips against his.

The softest, feather light touch of their lips was all that connected them, but a fire Luce had never felt before coursed through her, and she knew she needed more of – all of – Daniel. It would be too much to ask him to need her the same way, to fold her in his arms like he’d done so many times in her dreams, to return her wishful kiss with one more powerful.

But he did.

Confusion racking my brains. Ow!

Last time I checked, all posts here were gone. Deleted in just two minutes. Those posts of heartbreak, confusion, insecurity, anger, and a lot of negative feelings I wouldn't want to remember. Those were during my Dark Ages. My first break-up. And I had thought things wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get over that kind of feeling even after ten years. That I'd still love him and feel all helpless about it.

Well, no one could be more surprised than I am. I'm still glad I deleted those memories. I can't believe I was thinking that way before. I was all broken, so maybe that explains it.

I still flinch at the sound of his name. Or the very thought of it. And somehow, I like this part right now. The part where I'm wondering what I ever saw in that guy. Haha, I'm so evil. Anyway, I'm feeling all better now. I can't say I still love him, I don't even know if I'll be able to bring back the feelings. Maybe pain, because I still believe I honestly don't deserve what he did to me. But love? I doubt it. Though I'm not sure. I will be when I see him again, after some considerable amount of time.

I'm wondering. I had felt so sure before. About him. About us. Well, I'm totally wrong, and now I actually think it was a miracle that fate made us part ways. I've never been happier to be single. But how? How did I come to feel this way? It keeps surprising me.

Life and love goes on.

I never thought I'd ever find distractions that would really make me stop thinking about him. But I guess, it wasn't the distractions after all. It was me wanting to forget, letting him slip to the lowest of priorities in my life. Life goes on.

What if I get all alone, with nothing to do, no books to read, nothing to distract myself with? I doubt I could survive that. I'd find myself looking out the window, with regret swelling in my heart. I'd cry to myself, actually thinking that if I'd ever cry, he's all I would cry for. Love goes on.

Time heals all things, sometimes with painkillers, sometimes not. Moving on is just a matter of the mind. How we see things, how we let go, how we find the courage to accept and forgive and turn our backs to the ones we hold dear. It's a matter of having the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself.

Now I wonder how I ever managed to feel numb. How did I ever shut my mouth when I had a million things to say, and my heart would explode if I chose to stay put? How did I ever get more concerned about breaking a friend's heart than speaking up? How come I could pretend to be stoic or happy when inside I was swelling up with anger or hurt?

I can always say that it's Love. Inspiring isn't it? But my brain's all racked up to believe. I have a feeling that it's something more than that, I just can't quite figure it out yet. Sigh. Time is on my side, it's got painkillers with it to keep me away from loneliness. I'm fine with that.

In the State of Confusion

Okay. So I only have 2 weeks left and I'm off to Baguio. Choosing UP is an easy decision to make. But choosing Baguio, well, I'm still in confusion.

First off, I've been there for only one night and I can't even stand the homesickness. I really don't want to end up crying. It's not an easy choice to make. I'll be living all alone. I'll be washing my own underwear soon. :| I'll be tending for myself. I'll be independent.

The last thing on my mind was going to Baguio for college. But I believe, with everything that has happened, that's where God is leading me. I've been praying about this a lot. I even chose it over studying in La Salle with the course I want. Now I have to take the risk of being stuck in another course that is fit for me yet not really my heart's desire.

But I know what I must do. I must take all the confusion out of my mind. God promised me that I will have a great future ahead of me. So whatever happens, if I put my trust in Him, things will only get better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11