Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker