Graduation Speech

I have struggled with this speech before, during, and after I delivered it. It's been a good experience scouring Ecclesiastes to impart wisdom beyond my years -- ones that I probably would have never known unless I picked up a Bible, and ones that I am still battling through to choose. I wish I could have said some things differently to honor my parents. And some people sent really damaging personal attacks because they disliked the content. I never really realized how a few words can curse and potentially ruin one's life forever, until now. One thing I learned from it: NOBODY TELLS YOU YOUR INTENT. You know yourself better than anyone, and no matter what people say, you know deep down whether or not you intended to hurt people (or other stuff). Nevertheless, intent is pretty much useless when the damage is done. Lol.

I also cried while writing this whole thing down. LOTS. The kind that leaves your eyes puffy and ugly in the morning. Hahaha. Not to mention my audition for the speech was a total mess as I was crying unstoppably like a kid. No regrets, though. I got to know myself and my story better through this process. I think it was the highlight of my two and a half years in the United States. I think this was why I was here, enduring all the pain and making all the wrong choices -- to tell people not to do the same mistakes I did. And to send the message that God does make beauty out of our mess.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

You can find the transcript of the speech here.

Next Step

A lot of people have been asking what my next step would be. I honestly don't know. I kind of want to go to Singapore and live with my dad, maybe for a month or two. That's because I don't think we've spent enough time together and I don't think I've known him enough. It matters because how I see my father greatly reflects and affects how I see God. And right now, I have some serious God issues that need to take priority in my life. This path is uncertain, and it might mean holding off my bachelor's degree for an indefinite amount of time. And I am reaaally itching to finish my studies already because I feel so left behind. Lol.

On the other hand, I can work for a year in the United States, maybe earn enough to continue studying here for the next two years. Very tempting. I don't have to repeat any course work or apply to colleges with so much uncertainty because I'm sure my grades and achievements are sufficient enough to get me to a good college. True, I'm feeling a bit homesick. But you know what, I'm 20. And for me, 20 is too young to leave my family (which I already did at 17). There's only so much time I can spend with them 'til I go totally independent or marry and have my own family. I, myself, do not want to chase things that really will not matter.

In the end, I hope I make the right choice. I hope it all works out. And whatever I choose to do, I pray that I end up in the path that will lead me to God.

A Prodigal Daughter's Letter

Dear Father,

I honestly feel like shit. I don't think someone can love a person who never stops screwing up... intentionally. I am such a rebel. I am such a hypocrite. I am incapacitated, and all those stupid metaphors of having no freedom from myself. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am empty. My pride will never admit that I am broken and falling apart. I feel like my life doesn't mean anything to anyone. I am insecure and insignificant. And now I don't think I can ever be where I want to be.

If I cry out to you and knock my pride out of the way, I will only lie that I can change, 'cause I don't think I can. And I will be back to this place again, with my barriers so much worse. I don't want to hope and fool myself again. I am so tired of my weak self. I am so tired of having to lie to you.

But if I keep silent, my life will continue to break and fall apart. I will continue to be meaningless. I won't have the right to talk about you anymore, and my soul will continue to be thirsty. And there will be endless nights of having to go to sleep feeling empty. I will have no passion and compassion. I will rely solely on initiative and willpower, which could be good. And I will forever feel insignificant and insecure.

My faith is dead. My faith is in so many other things which makes grace nonexistent in my life. I don't believe that kind of grace will ever reach me, and stay. I might as well say goodbye to you, 'cause I can continue to try, but I will only be frustrated. Both roads lead me there, anyway. I can deny you, but I believe that you will never go away, so now I can't say you're the one that got away. But this is my choice, and I know I will never be happy with it. My broken heart might someday say, "You're all I needed all this time," but my pride will not admit that I was wrong. And even if you are all I needed, my pride will say you wouldn't have loved me anyway.

My pride is shitty. I am shitty. The truth is I can't go on without you, and it makes no sense to even choose with the choices I'm given. So strip me of my pride, and humble me down however you want, whatever it takes. They say that you will break me, and it will hurt. But I don't care as long as I end up with you.

'Cause you have shown me your heart, and I have seen who you really are. They say that I can not see the truth and still stay the same. I don't know because I don't trust myself. So here I am again at your feet. I know I've blown my chances, but I think there will never be a time that not even the smallest part of me believes that you are who you say you are.

Take this humility that's still left of me. Take all the broken pieces if you can find them. And save me. Save me from myself.

Your daughter,

Wedding and Waiting

Doesn't wedding and waiting sound the same? I hung out with my best friend Louisen today, and guess what we (two hopeless romantics who never gets tired of talking about boys) have been up to. We were watching wedding videos that I got from a Wedding Expo last month, and it was for my debut, mind you. They're kind of the same and it was free anyway, so I gave it a try. Unfortunately, my cellphone got stolen by a gang as I was walking, but that's another story. So, here's the catch:

I have found a man I want to marry.

Haha! I know you'd think I'm crazy because I am. It's true. I've had a long-time pent-up crush on someone and I was in denial for months because I know it was just a normal attraction thingy. I liked him because (here goes my non-negotiables) he has a very deep relationship with God, he is a leader, he likes kids, he is actively serving God in a Bible-believing church, he has a good character and integrity, he loves and takes care of his family so much, and (here goes my negotiables), he's got the looks and the brains. But of course he's not perfect, I am aware of his flaws.

When I saw him again last Sunday, I just can't help but be overwhelmed by his mere presence. It feels wrong because I believe I don't really know him that well, plus he's 10 years older than me. I was serious enough to the point that I found myself saying, "Aww, five years from now he'll be 32, and even if I'd only be 22 by then, I would surely marry him." Haha, you're not the only one reading that line in disbelief, 'cause I'm included. Yes, it has come to that, people. In the end, I just had to give up so I said, "Well, it's his season to marry. Months or a year or two from now I'll be seeing photos of him and his wife on Facebook. I will have to accept it, but I would really be sad."

After he found out that I'll be transferring to L.A., he said, "Krishna, 'wag muna magbo-boyfriend ha. Asawa, ha. Asawa." For my foreign readers: he told me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend yet. I think he meant that I should think about my future husband first, or that I should choose a guy who is husband-material rather than just boyfriend-material. Anyhow, my emotions have calmed down now, and as long as I don't look at his profile and notes (yes, he writes so well, and he writes about God and His love), I think there will be progress. :D

I'm letting those thoughts go now, because even though I want to marry that person, I don't have the final say. So the point is:

1. Do good to your husband all the days of your life. The Bible talks about a wife of a noble character. Proverbs 31:12 says, "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." I believe that "all the days of her life" not only includes the time that she meets and marries her husband, but even before she meets him. That means that even right now, I am already given the responsibility to act and make decisions that will protect and not hurt my future husband, and to let God shape me to be the woman I should be for him. (Argh, I think He has got a lot to change in me. Haha. But what is impossible for God, anyway?) So I will pray for my future husband, and by God's grace, walk in His light as I wait.

2. God knows best. I will let the Creator of all mankind tell me who the best is for me. At the end of the day, He's the one who sees the heart, and He's the one who truly knows that person. The God of the universe who loves me so much did not withhold his only Son from me, so what more a great future husband? Here are verses that helped me understand why I should trust Him (inspired by my Victory Group):

Romans 12:12
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

1 Samuel 1:16
"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"

Hebrews 11:40
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"

Bottomline: But then again, if His will for me is to be single forever (it happens), I will not ask for more because He is more than enough for me and He is all I will ever need. :)

To the One who hears

Because today is the 2nd anniversary of my first break-up, I'm blogging.

Hahaha, kidding. I don't have another reason to blog aside from God, who is such a hit -- a timeless topic. If I'm blogging about frustrations, it's not because I want the whole world to know how pissed and messed up I am. But it is actually an act of lifting it up to the One who hears my unheard cries and never fails to answer.

In our church, we have a 7-Day Prayer and Fasting every January. And this is something I wrote in my Devotion Notebook -- a list of all that I asked for this year or Faith Goals as they call it:

Click to enlarge. Prayers and Promises.

 

It's already November, and He has answered the things I've prayed and fasted for (and even more, though it's not written here, haha!). You can compare the two photos and see which promises He has fulfilled already.

Click to enlarge. Answered Prayers and Fulfilled Promises.

 

If you took the time to see which one's missing, you'll see that I have not put there yet the item "Restoration of Relationships". But I believe that before the year ends, friendships and relationships will be restored by Him, the healer of hearts. If not this year, there's always next year. I believe that His timing is always right. And who knows, it might have been answered already, just not how I expected it to be. :)

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God,

Thank You for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I know that You know my needs even before I ask, and that You provide them at the proper time, never too early and never too late. Thank You for giving me the strength and grace to do Your will in my life. Thank You because You said that when I cry, you hear it for You are compassionate. Even when I question You and Your ways, I believe that You are faithful, You never change, and that You will only give the best for me, Your daughter. I love You, because You loved me first, and I know that You will always love me more.

-Krishna

Of Struggles with Apathy and Vulnerability

In the spirit of indifference, I am actually quite neutral today, even when last night was a hard one. In the middle of all the preparations for my debut, I thought it was just one of those daily dramas that my mom pushes on me because I resent exercising. Yes, that's right people. We fought over this a gazillion times before, and I just wouldn't do it. Why? I'm content with my body, with who I am, and I don't care what people think of me. On the one hand, I actually get her point of view because she only wants the best for me. She wants people to like me and not judge me, she doesn't want people calling me fat, and she wants me to look good on my debut, so my guests wouldn't have anything to say except marvel at my awesome beauty. Ha!

She's been working so hard these past few weeks, organizing the venue and catering, designing things, and fitting everything in our tight budget. That's actually quite amazing. She's also been telling me that she couldn't concentrate and do her job because she's thinking of my debut, she's already having debts, and on top of all that, she still has flight to book which would be equally or even more costly than my debut. At the back of my mind, there's my mean, rational self telling me that she shouldn't be stressing herself too much with my debut because anything will do for me, and besides, she's the one who wants to work on it, so why does she come and tell me that it's my fault that she's stressed out? And then there's my good, obedient side that is slowly fleeting, which is nagging me, "What the heck are you thinking? Of course she's gonna do all the work 'cause you're doing nothing. She doesn't want to end up like you and throw a stupid party for her daughter. She wants the best for you." And so goes an endless argument between the two.

I actually had a thought that maybe I've been cursed with apathy. My mom usually gets mad a lot, and you wouldn't want to come near her when she's stressed, because she always finds a reason to be angry. She used to say so many negative things to me when I was younger so I taught myself to block out all the negative things I hear from her, and from everybody else, unless it sounds constructive rather than insulting. And what do you know, I was actually good at it. That was how I built my self-esteem. Maybe there's just a problem with communication, she's my parent after all, she can say anything she wants however she wants to. If she's going to ground me, or threaten me, or disown me, it only hurts a little, and then I block it off, and then I tell myself that I don't care, and I really wouldn't care. Recently, her approach has been subtle, and that surprised me a lot. She doesn't get angry all of a sudden, and she's grown to be more gentle. But my approach hasn't changed at all. I discovered that my apathy stayed, even when the rational part of me knows that she is right, I am at fault, and I should definitely say sorry and pay restitution. But the next day, I end up doing nothing.

When she cried last night, which was the purest and weakest cry I've ever seen from her, I couldn't get myself to pity her. There were a lot of things that went on my mind. I thought that she was beautiful as a woman when she did that. I was surprised to see her vulnerability because she's always been an authoritative power figure when I do something wrong. Sure, I've seen her loving side a lot of times as well, but weak and tired weren't usually in the equation. I also thought that it was the most beautiful sign of love, but I don't really want to get soaked up in her love because I'm afraid it would hurt so much when I leave for L.A. and live on my own. I cried after she told me to get out of her room, because at the sum of it all, it wasn't a cry of discipline and tiresomeness, but a cry of pain. I hurt her. And I was also hurt because I love her, but I didn't love her the way I should have.

In my lifetime, I've only made a few people cry, and I was reminded that they all had the same reason to do so. Because they love me, but I didn't love them the way I should. I could even call it an unrequited love. I don't know what to do with myself. I am rid of integrity, excellence, and now love. I don't have all those things, and at times, I couldn't care less. I hate myself for being like this. At this point, there's only one thing I've realized. People who truly love risk themselves of the vulnerablility of being hurt. My mom loves me, and would do anything for me, and I can't exactly say that I can do the same for her. I can only imagine that kind of love until I have my own child someday. God, who is in the most vulnerable position of all, chose to love me, even when He knows I will only desert, offend and hurt Him countless times.

I want to care. I want to do something to make it up to the people I've hurt. I am secure in God's love, but in any other human love, I'm afraid I just have to make restitution to restore our relationship, otherwise it may slowly drift farther apart without me noticing it.

Note to self:

Hi there, Krishna.

This is yourself, speaking to you. A few years from now, I know you will look back and read your whole blog over again. I know you tend to re-read so much when it comes to your writings. I hope you come across these 15 notes someday.

1. Seek God first, and everything else will be given to you. Surrender to Him everything that you have. Choose Him first. Love Him more than you will ever love any person.


2. Always remember that you are perfect and beautiful as you are. God knew what he was doing when He made you. You can be so fat or so thin, but please don't try to impress people. Instead, strive to impress God. His impression matters most.


3. Filter your thoughts and your feelings. Emotions come and go, it's natural. But sometimes, you nurture it. Know when to ignore the negative feelings and get rid or your negative thoughts. You have a big God who loves you, and He doesn't want you to feel or think that way.


4. If you are mad or sad, be more careful that you might not endanger other people's feelings or perspectives by the things you say or do. If you're tired, and you're doing all the work, it's your choice to do so. Don't think that other people deserve to suffer, too (of course, unless they want to help and carry some of your burden).


5. Honor your parents. Give back to them. Obey them, but not if you have to compromise what God wants. Love them, and forgive them no matter how much they have hurt you. You have also hurt them as well.


6. Nothing is impossible for God. If He has put dreams and desires in your heart, I'm quite sure that He did so because He intends to fulfill it in your life. Though you must distinguish which ones come from you and which ones come from Him. He has faithfully done great things in your life, so why are you doubting now? Believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief.


7. Love as if you've never been hurt before. Dance as if no one's watching. Live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to feel all kinds of emotions out there. Don't conform to the standards of this world. Don't be conventional. Do hard things!


8. Never tell your future kids that they are ugly even if they're fat, they're dark, etc. Never tell them that they're unworthy, even when you're angry. Remember that they are special and priceless in God's eyes. Their image reflects the image of God. Their worth and their beauty encompasses the standards of this world.


9. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Let your anger fade away before you scold your future children or argue with your future husband. Be sure that you think rationally when you do so. And when you don't have the resolve to do it, be sure to say sorry when you know you're wrong.


10. Exercise to stay healthy, not to lose weight. Wear less and less make-up as the years pass. Encourage and compliment others, they need it.


11. Rest. You need to rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. There is a kind of rest that only God can give. Don't forget to come to Him if you ever need that kind of rest.


12. Forgive, forget, and let go. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and treat them as if nothing happened before. Let go of the issues you had with them. Don't bring it back even in arguments.


13. Be a biblical woman. Know what God designed you to be. Don't be too dominant, aggressive, or assumptive. Learn to be gentle and supportive.


14. Always give back the glory to God. He has given you everything you have. Your intellect, your talent, your calling. Whether it's performing for other people, tithing, or serving God, give Him what He deserves.


15. Hide God's word in your heart always. It is your sword and your shield. You can't fight the battle without it. You won't be able to do everything written above without doing this.

Love,
Yourself

PS. No pun intended.

An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!

Fickleness

You saw me sleeping like I always do.
You didn't know it was me, but you stared.
What made you look?
Was it because you were alone?
Was it because I was the only girl you see, like you used to say before?
Is it still all the same?
You looked, and it woke me up.
You were the first person I saw, wearing a surprised look.
What were you doing there, sitting at the far end of the table?
It was only the two of us, in a place where lonewolves go.
So, you were lonely, too.
How did you find me, when I was hiding from you?
Were you waiting? Was I waiting?
Maybe I was, but I've pushed that idea long ago.
I won't wait for you.
I'm not waiting for you.
I was just alone, that's all.
I wasn't ready, it was a choice not to be.
But I know you were, you could've left that place.
You could've gone out, laughing with your friends.
You could've wrapped your arms in a tight embrace with somebody else.
But you chose to be there. You looked away, and then you slept.
You chose to be idle, much longer than you've waited before.
We could have been in two different places.
But we gave it a rest and tried indifference.
We stayed there near each other, with our hearts worlds apart.
I know we'll be waiting for a very long time.
Sometimes in the same places, even when the memories hurt.
And it only gives us strength to go on.
I am not for you, and you are not for me.
But we are the reason why we're waiting.
Though we both don't know what we're waiting for.

Photo from Rex-chan at deviantart.

Maybe it's not the memories that hurt. But the present reality that the making of those beautiful memories has stopped for good.

This isn't goodbye.

Last night I just fell in-love with Shane Filan of Westlife, and his dancing skills! Haha, who knew he could wiggle and jump like that? And Westlife actually used my favorite song "When You're Looking Like That" for their intro. Unfortunately, they didn't sing "I Lay My Love On You" and "Swear It All Over Again". But they did sing a lot of amazing songs, such as their irresistable rendition of "What About Now".

Internet Photo

Oh, excuse me. Yes, it's the Westlife Gravity Tour 2011 Live in Manila!!! I went with ate Christin, and another volunteer from True Love Waits. Gaaah, it's actually the first time that I've ever written triple exclamations in my blog. Kinikilig ako! :"> There's no proper foreign translation for "kilig", though it's close to the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you like.

And yes, I came 30 mins. late, but they waited for me! They started exactly when I got there. Haha!

As I was watching them sing, and dance, and talk to us in a very endearing way (Irish!), I suddenly thought, "God, I want a guy with amazing voice and looks." Of course, Westlife seemed to be what they sing. As if I really knew them personally as responsible (not to mention, handsome) husbands in their thirties. Well, I don't. And I took my words back exactly because I will never know. God gets to choose for me, and whether or not that person has an amazing voice and a handsome face, I know he would be worth it. And I know there will always be something beautiful in him, because he reflects his Maker.

I'll let God choose for me, 'cause He sees the heart, and I don't (which is frustrating, haha). And I know that person will be good, pleasing and perfect, since my Father who chose him wants the best for me more than I want it for myself.

You can call me weird, but I'm happy that I don't know that person yet, or at least I don't want to. Well, I was happy. Until the concert had to end. It was enough for me to sit at the General Admission section, as long as I get to hear their voices personally. If it were up to me, I'd listen to Shane sing all week (with harmony, since they're good as a team). I just had to admire the giver of that talent.

I know, I know. It's depressing enough. All good things come to an end, at least the best thing never does. ;)

PS. Title taken from their song "What Makes A Man".

EYS/T

Open Skyways.
Dreams and highways.
How many days until I see Your face?
Surround me with Your love, I don't want to wait in haste.
Every day, upon your glory I want to gaze.
I want to slow down and see the beauty in the sun's rays.
Please keep my ways pure and chaste.
I don't know how to win this race.
I know I will never falter with You as my foundation, my base.
Because You will always be there in any case.
You are my God, my only ace.
I want to live for You, for Your goodness I will taste.
I just want to honor You and bring You praise.
So in surrender, my hands I will raise.
I could never do anything good or right, if it weren't for Your grace.

 

Rationalizing once again

It's so hard for me to write here. A clean white page, a new start. It's not like everything's not gonna come to pass. But the things you do, every single one of them, will always leave a mark on the lives of other people. The question is, will it be a "tattoo" kind of thing you can be proud of, or a painful scar?

I still can't tell which one was left on me by a very special person. He made almost all kinds of defense mechanisms effective on me. I've tried denying that "we" ever happened. I've tried repressing all the memories I've had with him. I've tried hating him, and forgiving him. Yet thinking of him still makes me smile. I have also never stopped rationalizing how we ended up like this, always, until now.

But I can't get stuck on the past; it makes God's forgiveness senseless.

People always want explanations that can justify the uncontrollable things that happen to them. All I know is that, it's all a matter of trusting the One who knows what's perfect for us. And we certainly can't trust our hearts. It has all the wrong feelings most of the time.

I remember Morrie Schwartz saying, "Love is the only rational act." Maybe it's true. Maybe some of the most rational things are really hard to understand. Maybe the end justifies the mean. Or maybe I'm just too idealistic.

But who has the right to judge if what I do is right or wrong when there's a million other perceptions out there, including what's uniquely mine? And I don't know, maybe anyone can really be hurt by any "what if" that runs on their minds.

"'Cause I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile. And I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait for you to shine. But I can wait for you if all you need is time." –Butch Walker

Oh, did you notice? There was a scar left behind.

Looking back at my old self, how I used to talk and how I used to care about things, I figured out that maybe I don't know myself these days. It's me learning to adapt, but it doesn't seem like the real me. I'm getting better yet I don't feel like it.

It's funny how one person can change how you look at things in life, how he change the things that matter, and how he can force you to change the way you act. Sometimes, you may not like it, and you may not be able to free yourself from your thoughts; but then you'll find out in the end that it was the best thing to do. Or is it? Is it really? Months of shutting up and keeping things to myself are now bugging the hell out of me. It's like whenever I see that person, I just want to burst and say every single feeling that I had. Before, I wanted to, but I shouldn't. Now, I still want to, but I can't.

Some things are better left unsaid.

Even if it's true and even if it's all you really need to say to get it over with.

Because even if it's true, but then it's something bad you should forget, and if saying so will just hurt other people and scar your relationships, it's not worth saying it. No questions asked, I shut up.

My mind tells me to shout all these things to you, yet my heart says I should hold still. Then hold still, I will. I love you. :)

Confusion racking my brains. Ow!

Last time I checked, all posts here were gone. Deleted in just two minutes. Those posts of heartbreak, confusion, insecurity, anger, and a lot of negative feelings I wouldn't want to remember. Those were during my Dark Ages. My first break-up. And I had thought things wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get over that kind of feeling even after ten years. That I'd still love him and feel all helpless about it.

Well, no one could be more surprised than I am. I'm still glad I deleted those memories. I can't believe I was thinking that way before. I was all broken, so maybe that explains it.

I still flinch at the sound of his name. Or the very thought of it. And somehow, I like this part right now. The part where I'm wondering what I ever saw in that guy. Haha, I'm so evil. Anyway, I'm feeling all better now. I can't say I still love him, I don't even know if I'll be able to bring back the feelings. Maybe pain, because I still believe I honestly don't deserve what he did to me. But love? I doubt it. Though I'm not sure. I will be when I see him again, after some considerable amount of time.

I'm wondering. I had felt so sure before. About him. About us. Well, I'm totally wrong, and now I actually think it was a miracle that fate made us part ways. I've never been happier to be single. But how? How did I come to feel this way? It keeps surprising me.

Life and love goes on.

I never thought I'd ever find distractions that would really make me stop thinking about him. But I guess, it wasn't the distractions after all. It was me wanting to forget, letting him slip to the lowest of priorities in my life. Life goes on.

What if I get all alone, with nothing to do, no books to read, nothing to distract myself with? I doubt I could survive that. I'd find myself looking out the window, with regret swelling in my heart. I'd cry to myself, actually thinking that if I'd ever cry, he's all I would cry for. Love goes on.

Time heals all things, sometimes with painkillers, sometimes not. Moving on is just a matter of the mind. How we see things, how we let go, how we find the courage to accept and forgive and turn our backs to the ones we hold dear. It's a matter of having the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself.

Now I wonder how I ever managed to feel numb. How did I ever shut my mouth when I had a million things to say, and my heart would explode if I chose to stay put? How did I ever get more concerned about breaking a friend's heart than speaking up? How come I could pretend to be stoic or happy when inside I was swelling up with anger or hurt?

I can always say that it's Love. Inspiring isn't it? But my brain's all racked up to believe. I have a feeling that it's something more than that, I just can't quite figure it out yet. Sigh. Time is on my side, it's got painkillers with it to keep me away from loneliness. I'm fine with that.