Guns 'n' Roses

Believe me, crying at "Guns & Roses" ending was the least I expected. There's only one word for it: EPIC! Not only because I love Robin Padilla and his acting skills (and the way his eyes were as tearful as mine were), but also because the concept was classic. Though the latter part of it was kind of crazy, since I can't tell whether Abel Marasigan (Robin Padilla) really died and his appearance at the very end was just a figment of Rein's (Bea Alonzo) imagination, or he was just sick so he wasn't able to attend his child's christening and then got well sooner. Still, the part where Abel got shot several times, there are no words for it. :| (The fact that it seemed impossible for him to live should be my cue, but he was carrying the baby at the end!) My mind was blown away.

Internet Photo

There's just this statement that is still stuck on my head. It's not verbatim, though. As the happiest moments of Abel's life flashed before him, he asked, "Sa tingin mo ba, kaya pa nila akong tanggapin? Kaya pa kaya nila akong patawarin?" [Do you think they would still accept me (in heaven)? Can they forgive me?] Then Rein said, "Oo, tatanggapin ka nila. Papatawarin ka nila. Magmamakaawa ako sa Diyos para tanggapin ka N'ya." [Yes, they will accept you. They will forgive you. I will beg God to accept you.] 

A little background on Abel, he was used and trained by his uncle to be an assassin to protect his family and avenge his father, not knowing that his own uncle was the real enemy. He wanted to live a new life, but his past as a criminal haunted him.

As he said those statements, questions flooded my mind. What happens to people who has all the right intentions, but all the wrong circumstances? Would he go to heaven? If not, would God be mad at him so much? If he wanted to change and turn away from sin, why didn't God give him a happy ending? What about the people who have never heard or will never hear about Jesus? Isn't it unfair?

My heart was filled with compassion, and I imagined that God would have felt the same, only so much more intense. He accepts people for who they are, no matter how evil or sinful. He welcomes them into His arms, if only they also wanted to be with Him. His forgiveness is infinite, and He would never remember the mistakes we did before. A person like Abel would never really want to change, if it weren't for the grace God gives. Happy endings don't always happen in this life, but I am confident that He is never unfair. And as I was reading my Bible earlier, I found this:

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

   the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

Day after day they pour forth speech; 

   night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words; 

   no sound is heard from them. 

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, 

   their words to the ends of the world. 

Psalm 19:1-4a

It is only proof that God's message is for all, we see it in the skies and hear it in the wind. The universe and our body are amazingly complex and exact that who and where we are could never be an accident. He gives equal chances for all to hear His word, just in different ways we would never understand.

What made me sad about the last episode was that Abel wasn't sure if he was accepted and forgiven. He went to church and sought God, but it's as if He did not realize the weight of what Jesus did and he was not confident that after all the sin, shame, and guilt, God would never answer "No" to his questions earlier. Two thumbs up, because God's love and what He did on the cross surpasses any amount of love and sacrifice that any person could ever give.

My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.

Kismet Dance

I danced with kismet tonight.
I drew your name on the line.
It makes me sad to see you leaving.
With a sullen look upon your face.
It doesn't matter anyhow.
You opened a door that led to darkness.
Kismet pulled me closer to itself.
It must have known I'd go after you.
For a split second, you moved then disappeared.
But kismet took hold of me.
Saying I must continue the dance.
So long as the music is playing.