Warped thoughts at McDonald's

Some CaliFilipina girl's warped thoughts at McDonald's

I barged inside the almost bare McDonalds in De Soto Avenue. The first thing I noticed was my friend Trina on the counter, with her unusually loud voice greeting the customers. She beamed when she saw me come in. I have only been here twice, always ordering McFlurry and French Fries. I'm planning to repeat that routine today, even as my conscience is silently being tortured by guilt since I haven't exercised for a week -- totally opposite from what my family probably thinks I'm doing.

Click to enlarge. And so I discovered Instragram. Haha!

I have now been here in California for two months, and it's been great for me, relatively. I am so positive that any other international student moving alone to the United States, or any other country, would be experiencing emotional breakdowns at this time, or at most, maybe they're already recovering. But I was prepared for this. Well, except for the last minute crying at the airport because I wasn't able to hug my mom before I left, and those times I almost always resorted to dating sites because I was totally alone at my house, and I haven't had friends at that time. But I'm okay now.

Before coming here, I asked God to prepare me and my environment, and give me great friends. Lo and behold, there was divine intervention. A girl named Czarlene read my tweet about UCLA and decided to befriend me at Twitter while I was still in the Philippines. I hate to admit it, but sometimes Twitter can be helpful. Next thing I know, Spring Semester starts, and I've got buttloads of friends on Day 1 at Pierce. They were all Filipinos, and they were like a call for me to come back to earth -- figuratively, that is. There's just something about getting together with people of your own race in a foreign land. And I don't even have to worry because Filipinos are everywhere (LOL). Somehow, the idea of being with a set of people who are naturally cheerful with voices you can hear even if you are 20 feet away is comforting -- like a dose of anti-loneliness-and-depression mantra you should give yourself if you're walking in a labyrinth and you start losing yourself. But that doesn't apply to some Filipinos. I get a sudden flash of disappointment when I discover that they can't or they refuse to speak their own language, or when in their liberation, I find no traces of conservativeness (what an awkward word). Again, it still depends on the person.

Them OSAM friends I love. :) When we celebrated my 18th Birthday. 20 Feb 2012. Credits to Len for the photo.

Then there's my church. I am so blessed to be surrounded by godly men and women in my walk with Christ. It feels like home to have people of different races, ages, and genders looking at me and not judging me, and accepting me with open arms, no matter my past. For that, I am extremely grateful. It made me confident that wherever I go, I have a family in God. Perhaps that's how it will look like in heaven -- filled with different people of all colors, races, tribes, and languages worshiping the one true God.

So let's get down to the point of why I'm writing this. What triggered the writer in me today -- after a very long time -- were those surprised and weirdly happy expressions on Trina's Filipino customers when she'd talk to them in Tagalog. That, and I'm also trying to impress my crush who works on the counter. I am currently stalking him, and throwing looks at him when he's not looking (*spying skill: master level*).

Kidding aside, I have really marveled at how few the customers are in McDonald's branches here compared to the ones in the Philippines which are crowded and filled with all kinds of laughter and noises. One thing they have in common? Filipino families. At some point, it made me feel as if maybe nothing much in my world has really changed after all. And maybe Filipinos come here to feel the same way, too. To pick up something that's left to remind them of their native land -- just with the negative implication that the Filipino culture has been commercialized and dominated by alien market (haha!). Or maybe, there's this unconscious thought of bumping into one of your "kababayans". Di na nga lang uso yun. But most probably, it's because they sell cheap stuff. :P

At the very least, this place reminds me of home. Plus, who knew McDonald's could be a writing haven anyway? (And a sleeping place, too!) Then again, maybe it's just McDonald's, or maybe it's just me.

My Side of The Story

DISCLAIMER: Truth is, I don't really feel for him that much. I just wanted to make him guilty for shunning me and deleting me in Facebook all of a sudden. Mean, sorry. =))) Anyway, he's a different guy. Totally not whom I've been talking about in this blog. But I mentioned him in this somewhere as "the one who does not deserve me."

***

UP Baguio, 2011. This is the time and place where I will never fall for someone, I thought to myself. I wouldn't, it had been so easy to turn down so many people, simply because I haven't healed yet. If there's one valuable thing I learned from Philo 27, it would be that when you love, you give yourself to a person as a gift. So if you give your heart to someone, knowing that it's still broken, you just mean to say that he only deserves the broken pieces of your heart. You mean to say that he's not worth the best of you.

Despite all the self-confidence I've lost since my last break-up, I still walked with conviction of how I am definitely better off without my ex. I swore I wouldn't fall for someone at the wrong time. Until this guy entered the picture.

First, I thought he was a miracle, since nobody wanted to play the role of the guy I've written in a script. Fine, I admit that script was crap. Nobody had the guts, except for him. And he had to run around the whole building and say super cheesy lines just because I’ve written it. The thought of it makes me want to laugh so hard.

Second, it was really weird that he was texting me, when we were using different phone lines. I never really texted that much, and it all appeared on the bill. But it was okay. His unusual sense of humor never failed to make me smile. I had fun talking to him since he was so witty, even when I've got nothing interesting to say.

But I knew myself, and I knew my heart. It was almost whole, but that was exactly the problem, it’s just ALMOST. And I don't have the courage to surge into things I don't know and get it shattered again. I wasn't sure if he felt the same way, and I had to stop myself. It was a pretty hopeless case anyway. We never talked personally, except occasionally in my SC10 class.

Yes, we rarely talked. And yes, you can't expect me to have feelings for someone I don't know. But I knew him. Or at least I think I do. I knew his ex-girlfriend. I knew he loves his family so much, and that's what made me like him. I knew he composes songs, I even knew that girl with the beautiful smile whom he wrote his songs for. I envied her, and I somehow wished I was her. I wish I could take his pain away.

But I knew, somewhere deep and hidden in my heart, I felt the same hurt he was feeling. I knew I wasn't whole enough for him, and he wasn't whole enough for me. This could be the right thing in the wrong time, which still makes it the wrong thing. And I guess he barely knows who I really am, so how could he ever feel the same?

I didn't want to just text him, I wanted to be with him. Even when I'm scared that he wouldn't enjoy talking to me. I didn't want him to feel something for me, when we both know that I'm not staying. But those things contradict each other, and just leads me back to the assumption that maybe we really are a hopeless case. Or maybe it's just me.

I remember that day when I walked up to him to give him a bookmark; I told him I was giving it to him because he was my friend. And it makes me sad to think that maybe now he hates me. I can't blame him if he wants to pretend like I never existed. But it won't change the fact that he is my friend, and I wouldn't want to break his heart. Maybe because I know he's been through so much already.

Funny, but he's actually one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to stay here in Baguio. He made me think twice when my mind was already made up. But I guess situations like these are meant to be lived for the moment, and just be dropped all of a sudden. It's not yet the right season for me to feel this way.

So I guess this is goodbye. I want him to stay as my friend, but maybe that's impossible.