Dear Father,
You know what I really want. If I were to be honest, I don't know what I want. Haha. You know it better than I do. So now I'm asking, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go (?), 'cause I only want to be with You. I don't want to fear anything anymore, except that holy fear that I am waiting for You to give me.
I will have to admit that this has been the worst season of my life so far. Up until I left the Philippines, I though that there could be nothing worse than a break-up, or giving my heart away to the wrong person at the wrong time. I thought there was nothing worse than not being in a romantic relationship once I've already been into one. But right now, I just know there is nothing worse than being separated from You. There is nothing worse than breaking Your heart, and having to resist You.
And yet, I know that even in the worst season of my life, You never deserted me. Even in my bondage, You've always been faithful to me and Your promises, 'cause that's who You are. Amusingly, my mentor, Dana, was right. You were going to give me the gift of discernment, that when I go into a room, I would immediately sense the spirits in the atmosphere -- like how I know now that in my own country, no matter my age and maturity, the attacks are more on my emotional purity. The whole duration of being in Los Angeles, the attacks had always been on my sexual purity, ten times worse than when I'm in the Philippines. I'm afraid to go back to L.A., 'cause I don't know if I will grow more if I do. I'm afraid that my flesh is too weak to give in, and that my sin will build a wall so big between You and me again. I'm afraid that I might feel isolated and lonely again, even with my friends and spiritual family around me. I'm afraid that I will have to feel that I don't fit in again. I'm afraid that I will be handed over to the enemy again, even though I know I will go through this with You. I believe fully in You, but I don't believe in myself anymore. Somewhere in between that, I'm afraid to put my trust in You, and then betray You yet again.
If I stay, I don't know if I'm fulfilling Your will here. I don't know if I will get better from the state I'm in. I don't know how to be secure anymore, when everyone around me is trying to get me to be insecure so I can be who they want me to be, for the better. I don't know if it's time for me to rest here, or if I should go and take a bigger leap by going against the opposition and the persecution, even though I failed the first time. I am humbled down, and I don't have peace and joy. It seems like wherever I go without You by my side, I will never have that. But where will You be? Where do You want me to go?
When I realized that You are true to Your promises because that is who You are, I realized that You will come through, no matter what I did for and against You. I wish I have Jonathan's "perhaps" faith, that I may go through the opposition and the persecution again and just say that perhaps the Lord will act on my behalf, because nothing can hinder Him from saving (1 Sam 14:6). But then again when You said I would go out of my comfort zone (and to my shock, to another nation), You also said You will bless me there, and You will bring me back home to my family. I may have gone through hard times, but Your faithfulness is the greatest blessing I can have. Have I already been blessed the way You want to bless me? Is it already time to go back home? How can I know? I don't trust my wisdom at all.
I know that You know what I want. I'm getting an inkling of the idea that at the root of it, all I really want is You. And I know that wherever You lead me, good or bad, will always be for my best. I pray that You will give me the desperation to seek You with all my heart, that I may hear from You. And I pray that You will give me the strength to do what You want, and not fear anymore.
Your Daughter,
Krishna
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Where does my hope come from?
Last night, I realized that my life is totally out of control. I came here to Los Angeles with a plan in mind. I would transfer in two years with an associate degree, and be admitted in an academically excellent university. I kept adjusting my plans to fit what I discovered as reality here. The tuition is expensive, and my plan was rather feasible if I had the time and money to go with it. Add that up to the expectation that I'm supposed to graduate in four years, which I doubt will happen.
In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.
My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.
It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.
When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.
I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.
Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.
My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."
Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.
In the Philippines, students are expected to graduate after four years of collegiate education, or even less. Typically, you'd have a Bachelor's degree by the age of 20. I'm two years late. I am expected to have a job and help out with the bills after I graduate, but even that seems like a long shot.
My life is out of control. No amount of victory weekends and spiritual house cleaning can stop me from falling again and again. All those sins are just a result of a bigger issue I have with God. The enemy will keep on attacking because that's how he is. If not my sexual purity, he'd pull the strings of my emotional vulnerability. The enemy makes me feel so unwanted. He makes me feel that no matter how hard or how many times I try, I can never get to that place of stability. Maybe he's right. Maybe that part can only happen in heaven. Nevertheless, we are called to fight the good fight faith, and to stand back up again.
It's surprising how God meets us in our times of need when we come as we are -- when we stand before him knowing that we are broken, selfish, and powerless. No more hiding. While walking to my youth group yesterday, I was venting out all my frustrations at God saying, "I can't do this anymore. I can't try and try again knowing that I'll always fall back. I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of my life. Would You do that? Would You try again countless times when You know You're just going to fail?" The answer came right after the question. Yes, He did and He would. God never gave up on me, and I bet He never will. There was no doubt of Him being good and faithful, but there was doubt of me being able to finish the race.
When I entered the church, my youth pastor was preaching about God as our Father, and the prodigal son. After all that's been said and done, even when the prodigal son left and hurt him, the Father stood there with open arms welcoming his son back. Then there was his other son who stayed obedient all those years, but all he really wanted was the blessing of the Father. He was using the Father to get what he wanted. That message shook my heart because I realized who I really was. I was the other son. At that time and place, I admittedly cannot say, "I love you, God," and really mean it. It is very humbling, but true. I am a human being with no capacity to love God on my own. I wouldn't have loved him at all if He didn't love me first. Loving Him requires His grace.
I realized I was only using God. I liked the feeling of being loved, and I like all the gifts He has given, but I'm not really ready to give up anything for Him. Even if everything I did was intended to glorify Him, there were really selfish reasons underlying all my actions. No, I have not done a single thing completely for Him. It had been all for me. I was the prodigal son's moralist brother who did things to earn the grace and mercy of my Father when in the first place it can never be earned for it was freely given.
Part of me as a person, an Asian, and a Filipina, is that I am a performance-based individual. That's how I grew up. My family required certain standards for me to receive their blessings. It is true at some point in every family. And it is hard for me not to come to God the same way. I always felt He expected me to do this and that, and if I ever fail, I would be too hard on myself. But He is the exact opposite of what I thought. He never required anything from me because He knew that I could never do it at all, and so He sent His son and He tells me, "I know you can't handle it on your own, so here's my grace. I know you will fall down, and you will sin against me and you will hurt me. It's okay, you've been forgiven. Go and sin no more. I already did what needs to be done." God knows I try to rely on His grace, but it's hard. And as long as I allow my performance to define who I am in God, then I'd always be defeated.
My life is out of control, but it doesn't matter as long as I have a God who is in control. I am not willing to go on. I can only trust that when God promised that everything works for the good of those who love Him, the bigger picture includes the good and the bad along the way. Right here and right now, it's not true that He's all I ever need and that I love Him more than anything else. But I pray that He will make it true in my life. There's only one thing I asked from Him last night, "Don't let go of me, even when I'm not holding on to You anymore. Even if I'm trying to take Your hands off of me."
Where does my hope come from? My hope comes from the Lord.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)