The Drama of Moving Out

Oh-kay. Fun's over.

Moving into UP BREHA was easy for me. I actually felt lucky to be here, because a lot of freshies wanted to be here, too. I didn't know that the moving out was harder.

I just don't want to stay here anymore. Don't get me wrong, everyone here is nice. The guards, the admin, and my dormmates, they're all kind. They are what you call "acquaintances". They know my name, but they don't know who I am.

Passing the readmission letter to BREHA was already a difficult choice to make. As much as I wanted to say, " 'Wag mo nang ipasa 'yan, wala naman silang [my parents] magagawa 'pag di ka na-readmit eh," but I'm considering my parent's decision, too. Note CONSIDERING. And, if you're reading that letter right now, you'd probably think about what a total "plastic" I was.

I was talking to my mom a while ago, and it made me cry once again in my room. Of course, nobody heard me. That was like admitting I was problematic, and I wanted them to hear me out when I know they don't give a damn. I wish I could just say that I had eating problems in BREHA, and I HATE CURFEW. But I knew why I really wanted to go.

Don't get me wrong again. I love my roommates. They make me laugh so hard on cold, sad nights by just listening to their conversations. Again, note THEIR. I never really had a significant part in almost all of those conversations. I wanted to join, but I just wasn't the kind of person who knew how to make "banat" or to say something they would actually listen to. How did I even survive the first semester?

Going back to BREHA everytime I'm tired just makes me more stressed. It makes me lonelier by actually imposing the fact that, I'm going to a house, not a home. After an exhausting day, there wouldn't be a "family" to talk to me, or to hear me out. They're the closest people I have in the dormitory, but they're just like the others. They know about me, but they don't know who I am. I could never say something good, or useful. They have already boxed me as "that" girl, the girl whose loner/boring personality got the best of her. I guess, I am at fault, too. But I don't want to be told what to do anymore. I don't want to be told to relate better to them. I just don't want to be told to survive another semester with people who won't accept who I really am, people who never gave me the chance to show who I can be.

I know I should obey my parents. But are money, savings and safety all that matters? I would never know if I'll be able to stay here next sem, or be able to transfer to Diliman. Either way, I'm not doing it to follow my parent's plan for my life. I'm going to do it to follow God's plan.

I guess when I say "I don't want to live in BREHA anymore," all I mean is, I want to have a home. I need to have a family. Another semester is a very long time for me.