Showing posts with label melancholy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label melancholy. Show all posts

Friday, October 7, 2011

Illusions


 Photo from Meow2299 at deviantart.

There was this illusion that maybe it was just the same as Bokura Ga Ita, with an open ending. But I was obviously fooling myself. I wanted to fall in-love again. I wanted to feel my heart beating faster when you're near. I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to look in your eyes and not see hatred or indifference anymore. But I chose to know and be immersed in the truth that I'm not yet ready. When the time comes and I'm finally ready, I fear that it won't be your eyes that I would be staring at. But maybe then, I would truly be happy.

The memories are slowly fading. I no longer remember them even when you're around. I am fine without them. But I would like to hold on, because those were the happiest moments of my life.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Round Trip To Memory Lane

I had to ride round trip that night. It was Westlife's concert at the Araneta, and the crowd was so dense that I couldn't even get near the sliding doors of the train. In my far right, there was the women's section of the MRT, and it was so full that they had to line up beyond that section. It was the first time I've seen that happen. In front of me were adult men who pushed their way forward. Seconds after I stood behind them, they had to take a second look at me, a seventeen-year-old girl who probably looked years older and pretty with her mastery of "barely there" make-up and an almost plunging shirt.

I lied to the guards and told them I had to go to Taft, which was on the other side of where I should go. I think they had an idea that I was about to ride round trip, but what can they do? So they let me in and out without having to swipe my card again. When I got inside the train, a seat was immediately available after one stop. All I had to do was sit and wait 'til I get to Cubao, which, according to my estimation, would be thirty minutes after the start of the show.

People around me began to leave station after station until we reached Taft, the last station. Only two of us were left, I figured that the other person wouldn't mind waiting long than pushing her way into the train. If it wasn't for the aircon, I could have concluded that the MRT was the modern day version of those trains used in Hitler's concentration camps. The two of us sat there alone for less than a minute before people started rushing into the train which was now en route to Monumento.

Less than a minute was enough time for a quick flashback of when I was years younger. I saw myself, a grade school student, sleeping comfortably and tucked in my dad's wide arms. I woke up to see for the first time the sad, barely lighted highway towards Taft. I asked him where we were and he answered. I can't remember the details, but I believe I did something wrong that night, and we had to go somewhere to do something, so he went with me even though it was very late. Then another flashback came to mind, still in the MRT. I was twisting my body a little less than 90 degrees towards the window to contemplate and watch the moving scenery before me. My brother did the same, since either my mom or my dad wouldn't allow us to kneel on the seats. My dad was talking about something called "round trip" and I couldn't understand it at that time, no matter how he and my mom explained it to me.

Now I understand. I have grown up and I'm able to ride the MRT alone. But I would trade my age to be able to be wrapped in my father's arms again. Screw growing up, because now, he has to go abroad to be able to pay for this laptop I'm using to type this thing, and he wouldn't go home since he has to pay for my debut and college education. Screw growing up, because the last time he came home, I opened my arms for a hug, but he settled for a quick peck on the cheek because he was hesitant to embrace a teenage girl who now has boobs. Screw conformity, because we rarely say "I love you" and it gets harder to do sweet things each day. Will there be a day in the future when my parents would cuddle me like they did when I was a kid, and neither any of us would feel uneasy? Will I be able to nap on afternoons again as my father stretches both his arms, my mother laying her head on his right arm, while I and my brother lay our heads on the other one?

I honestly don't know. And I'm dead afraid to say no. I was close to tears on my way to Cubao, but I had to shut my eyes so tight and shoo off my thoughts. I would not cry all of a sudden in that train. People would think I'm crazy! After all, I am growing up, I knew better. Perhaps I'll continue this wishful thinking some other time, preferrably when I'm alone. At least last night it was good to be seventeen. The concert started just after I got in. I've been dying to see this since I was a kid.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Back to Basics

*Had a hard time with grammar on this essay. Ugh, please correct me if you find any wrong grammar lurking somewhere here. I would appreciate it. Submitted for my Creative Writing Travel Piece assignment. I love Baguio, and you don't know how much I really want to come back and study in UP Baguio again and see my spiritual family from Victory Baguio again. T_T
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I have a thing for cold, melancholic nights, when the temperature drops to 15 degrees Celsius and my feet won’t stop shaking. My first nights in Baguio were torture; I wanted to cry every single day. The wind told me that my ten-month stay will be very long.

At first glance, the summer capital seemed to be a very normal place giving you the unnecessary hassle of walking up and down the steep roads, not to mention the vehicles that would blow too much smoke on you every once in a while. The water was ice cold, and you won’t really need a refrigerator that much. I didn’t like SM City Baguio, and all the buildings standing there trying to transform the city into a very industrialized place. A lot of people also warned me to watch out for thieves in crowded places like the public market and Session Road. But despite of that, the locals of Baguio were very nice. Unlike the typical busy ManileƱos, they would really stop and listen to you for any queries, as if you’ve been friends with them before.

I stood in front of McDonalds one rainy night, wondering what I was doing in the north, miles away from my family. I found myself hailing for a taxi, as numerous snob drivers ignored me. There was always traffic lurking in Session Road, and I had no choice but to walk home. On most mornings, as I walked to school, I could literally see the air I breathe out. It must have been the low temperature.

I visited the pond near the Oblation statue frequently. There was peace and quiet in that place, away from the noisy students of UP Baguio. I met ate Len there, a campus minister from the church where I came from. She introduced me to people who became my friends; they made my succeeding months in Baguio seem too short. We ate together at fast food restaurants or carinderias every lunch and dinner. And did I mention that the locals cook very delicious food We often went down Session Road to buy the famous homemade frozen yogurt sold by a bar called “Rumours” where, people said, UP teachers hang out a lot.

I heard my classmates talk about partying ‘til they drop at Nevada. I’ve never been there, anyway. When our block had bonding sessions, I came with them to places such as Teacher’s Camp, The Mansion, Diplomat Hotel, and other baranggays, and discovered how big Baguio actually is. There was even a valley in Benguet called La Trinidad, which has quite a different temperature than Baguio on mornings, but way colder on evenings.

At days when boredom struck, I usually take the jeep to Loakan, and visit the Philippine Military Academy. They kept a historical account of the Armed Forces of the Philippines there. Soldiers were not my thing, but at least history is. I roamed around the museum and sometimes wished I could be one of the female marines. In late February, you would find no space at all. They closed main roads as people watched the famous Panagbenga Festival. I decided not to join, and had a photo shoot with my friends at Camp John Hay instead. The place was perfect for contrast in photos, because the historical place still had its original texture.

The cold, melancholic nights seemed to disappear as time passes by. Maybe I was getting used to it. If not, my resolution would be long walks late at night, with no idea of the direction where I was headed. After I got tired of walking, I just traced back my steps and went home. Recently though, my friends had kept me accompanied in coffee shops or competed with me on eating contests during buffet dinners at Ate Len’s house. Riding the jeep was the best part of getting to her house; I got to see all the shining lights at the bottom of the mountain from Marcos Highway on the way to Balacbac.

Before I went back to Makati, I went to Minesview Park first. That’s where you could find the cheapest strawberry jams and ethnic costumes, and that was when I was reminded that Baguio was not as normal as it seemed. The scenery was breathtaking, plus the feeling of being on top of the world. There was no place like Baguio. I guess it only got lonely when I was still a stranger in that cold land, but the people were nice, food was always great, and Baguio still had the knack of keeping me silent by way of nature.

The last time I went there, a private van drove me home, it was three in the morning, and there was no visible industrial light down Kennon Road. It felt good that at least some cities in the country still had traces of primitivism. People still walked as far as a jeep would take them. Igorots still paraded their costume -- their sense of culture. Flowers still bloomed amidst vehicle smoke. People still went to Burnham to jog on cold mornings despite the stink. They still spoke Ilocano even if Koreans or the Tagalogs were dominating the place. They still sold sundot kulangot, which was almost nonexistent in Manila these days. They still took pride in the beauty of the mountains, which was slowly diminishing.

I lasted for ten months in Baguio without even missing the mall, the internet, or the commercialized things I once got used to in the lowlands. I bet I’m more surprised right now than you are. So I stuck my head out one last time to see the way of life in Baguio and be reminded to go back to basics. I am definitely going back to that place again.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Tagalog Untitled 1.1

Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sa bawat pagtawa mo, nagpipinta naman ng kalungkutan ang mga ito. Waring nagsasabi na hindi mo ito gustong mangyari. Hindi mo gustong mawalay ako sa'yo. Sana makita kong muli ang bakas ng kasiyahan sa mga mata mo, lalo na 'pag tinititigan mo ako. Ngunit nawala na ang lahat nang 'yon. Hinayaan mong poot ang maghari sa puso mo. Sana alam ko ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo. Sana hindi ko na lang dito nakikita ang lahat ng kahinaan ko. Gaano ko man ito gustong malaman, hindi pa rin kita huhusgahan. 'Di tulad ng panghuhusgang ginawa mo sa'kin nang ako'y iyong pinakawalan.

Tagalog Untitled 1.2

Hindi na kasabay ng pag-ulan ang mga luha. Parang nawawala. Tulad ng pagkawala mo, nung gabing tinalikuran mo ako at hindi na bumalik upang malaman man lang kung gaano ito kasakit. At sa bawat pagpatak ng ulan, parang lalo ka lamang inilalayo sa'kin ng oras. Sa bawat yabag ng paa mo, lalo mo lamang sinasabi na hindi ka na babalik... kahit kailan. Paano kaya kung sinundan ko ang mga mata mo? Paano kaya kung sumabay ako sa pagbuhos ng ulan at mag-makaawang bumalik sa'yo? Wala pa rin namang magbabago, dahil nag-iba na ang pintig ng puso mo.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Before the Storm

I'm baaaaaaack!

Oh well, today is the second holiday in my college life. Sorry if it took me this long to post something. It's really hard to connect to the internet. T_T

Aside from my bangs, I'm really getting fat here. The food is so good. In fact, right now I'm in "Oh My Gulay!" Restaurant in La Azotea, Session Road. MUST TRY! :) I mean the food is so yummy and the price is quite reasonable. I personally prefer the pasta "Anak ng Putanesca". It's kind of chilly but it's the best pasta I've tasted, ever. Plus, it has a lot of veggies.

And the place is really cool, too! It's like a mini museum, and very vintage ;). You definitely have to visit this place when you come to Baguio.

It's really rainy here. Which I enjoy since I like the rainfall. But I don't like being alone and caught in the rain. It's cold here. So there, I feel so lonely. Baguio did help me move on. But there's still something I know I'm missing. I just don't know what.

Soundtrip: Before the Storm by Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus.
*Makes me feel all the more lonely in this place. I miss him. :|

I have to go. Aww, I miss the internet so much. But what's good about being in the dorm and not much exposed to TV and the Internet is it makes it easier for me to concentrate on my studies. And being in UP BREHA is like having a family away from home. They know how you feel and you can treat them like your own sisters. :)

There, I guess I'll just update you about my subjects and extra curriculars on my next post. Ciao! :)
Standing out in the rain, need to know if it's over, 'cause I will leave you alone. Flooded with all this pain, knowing that I'll never hold you, like I did before the storm.