An Open Letter To The Only Guy I Loved

Dear Tiger,

It's been two years. I've written things about you every once in a while. I never seem to forget. I've cried countless nights because of you. I tried distracting myself with a lot of schoolwork. I tried smiling again. And it even surprised me that I looked as if I've never been happier, as if I didn't have a single care in the world. I also tried hating you, and blaming you. When it didn't work out, I started blaming myself. I blamed God a lot of times as well, though I am ashamed that I did so. I did a lot of things to take my mind off you. I accepted that emotions come and go, and that maybe the reason why I can't forget was because I was nurturing my feelings for you, and I held on to the memories.

I wanted to let go of you and be indifferent. There were times that I would see you, and I wouldn't feel anything special, but it would bother me days after. Whenever I hear your name, my heart jumps. Sometimes when I hear news about you, it would cause me to think about you for the next 72 hours. I have learned to control my emotions, and for the past months, I didn't care about you. But I knew I wasn't ready yet to see you or to hear from you. I told myself that I'd restrain myself from all things that would connect me to you, maybe until I'm ready to face you and not fall for you again.

In the end, all the anger, hurt and pain you've caused didn't stay. I tried to be mad, but I couldn't hate you and love you at the same time. So I chose to love you instead. It wasn't a feeling, there were no emotions, I just knew I loved you. It gave me peace, going on like this. Though I still regret that I hadn't noticed the things I did that made us fall apart.

I loved you but my actions contradicted me. I couldn't show what I really felt because I was afraid that you were the kind of guy who would leave the same time as the challenge does. I was forced to be dominant because I was already falling helplessly, and I was afraid that in the end, I would suffer. I was so obsessed with the past that I wanted to dig into yours, when you were trying hard to forget them. I got so used to the simple things you did that I stopped appreciating them. I made you jealous countless times because I felt insecure when you showed me you didn't care, though you've told me once that you were affected. I've been insensitive, always wanting to get the upper hand. I only thought about myself and what I felt, and I never thought of what you'd feel whenever I pretended that you were about to lose me. Now that I know how it feels to lose you, I realized how much I've hurt you before. I made assumptions, when I knew I should have trusted you. I was confused, because after a fight you never failed to smile or joke around the next day, as if nothing happened. I thought our break-up was nothing to you. I was fickle and selfish. I couldn't think with your perspective, I couldn't put myself in your shoes.

I was not able to love another person again after you. I only wanted you. I didn't want to love someone else while my heart hasn't healed yet. It has healed now, but I know I'm not ready. It was a choice not to be. I still can't imagine myself loving someone aside from you. I believe you have forgiven me, and for that, I thank you. At one point, I tried going back to the memory lane, but the memories weren't there. I thought hard, but it was getting difficult to reach them. I'm finally okay without them. I have buried them unconsciously.

So today, I'm writing to you. Those memories are in danger of being forgotten. I know I should be happy now, because whenever I remember them, it hurts to know that the making of those memories had stopped, for good. But I want to hold on, for those are the happiest moments of my life. Even after it's all said and done, it is my choice to be honest with myself about what I've really wanted all along. I want to be with you again. I want to hold you tight, and make you happy, even when you always confuse me with your mysteries. I want to laugh with you again. I just want to be beside you, and see you smile. I know it's impossible, it would never be the same. I know that you're better off without me. You have made your choice. I'm fine with your apathy now, even if that means you don't love me anymore. I don't know what letting go means, but I will be happy for you, if you ever find another person to love. As for me, I believe that love never ends, no matter how much you try to put an end to it. I'm sorry that I have stolen your first kiss. I am sorry I didn't love you the way I should have. I am sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I won't be waiting for you, but I will continue to love you.

Love,
Your ex-girlfriend

PS. Yeah, I guess I'm a masochist. Hahaha.

To blog readers: I had a crush on this Korean actor way back June-July 2009. I forgot his name. So I liked this person and "him" at the same time, okay? And I was just as amazed that they had the same eyes. Or nearly the same face. I deleted him from my desktop because when I look at his awesome picture, I only remember someone else. Hahaha. But I'm posting it here so you have an idea. Kawaiii!