Confusion racking my brains. Ow!

Last time I checked, all posts here were gone. Deleted in just two minutes. Those posts of heartbreak, confusion, insecurity, anger, and a lot of negative feelings I wouldn't want to remember. Those were during my Dark Ages. My first break-up. And I had thought things wouldn't change. That I wouldn't get over that kind of feeling even after ten years. That I'd still love him and feel all helpless about it.

Well, no one could be more surprised than I am. I'm still glad I deleted those memories. I can't believe I was thinking that way before. I was all broken, so maybe that explains it.

I still flinch at the sound of his name. Or the very thought of it. And somehow, I like this part right now. The part where I'm wondering what I ever saw in that guy. Haha, I'm so evil. Anyway, I'm feeling all better now. I can't say I still love him, I don't even know if I'll be able to bring back the feelings. Maybe pain, because I still believe I honestly don't deserve what he did to me. But love? I doubt it. Though I'm not sure. I will be when I see him again, after some considerable amount of time.

I'm wondering. I had felt so sure before. About him. About us. Well, I'm totally wrong, and now I actually think it was a miracle that fate made us part ways. I've never been happier to be single. But how? How did I come to feel this way? It keeps surprising me.

Life and love goes on.

I never thought I'd ever find distractions that would really make me stop thinking about him. But I guess, it wasn't the distractions after all. It was me wanting to forget, letting him slip to the lowest of priorities in my life. Life goes on.

What if I get all alone, with nothing to do, no books to read, nothing to distract myself with? I doubt I could survive that. I'd find myself looking out the window, with regret swelling in my heart. I'd cry to myself, actually thinking that if I'd ever cry, he's all I would cry for. Love goes on.

Time heals all things, sometimes with painkillers, sometimes not. Moving on is just a matter of the mind. How we see things, how we let go, how we find the courage to accept and forgive and turn our backs to the ones we hold dear. It's a matter of having the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself.

Now I wonder how I ever managed to feel numb. How did I ever shut my mouth when I had a million things to say, and my heart would explode if I chose to stay put? How did I ever get more concerned about breaking a friend's heart than speaking up? How come I could pretend to be stoic or happy when inside I was swelling up with anger or hurt?

I can always say that it's Love. Inspiring isn't it? But my brain's all racked up to believe. I have a feeling that it's something more than that, I just can't quite figure it out yet. Sigh. Time is on my side, it's got painkillers with it to keep me away from loneliness. I'm fine with that.