Sleeping with a broken heart and a glow stick

I ran out through the darkness, with the coldness piercing my skin. Until I became numb. Until I became free of pain. I stopped to realize that the most painful thing is actually numbness. The inability to feel. It wasn't the kind of pain that feels like a stab in the heart, but the kind of pain that feels like you're nothing. It feels like being dead while technically alive. A dot of nothingness, a physical existence, in the face of the earth. And you end there.

BAD DREAM. I awoke with a pink light that hurt my eyes. It's past new year, but I broke my glow stick only now. Maybe to make myself feel lighter, as if to make me feel like a child again. Defense Mechanisms, the same reason why I'm writing this now. Because it hurts to give myself away, worse, I gave myself to the devil last night. I'm an orphan waiting to be redeemed by my adoptive Father from the orphanage called Hell. It hurts big time.

I knew that Father a long time ago. He kept visiting me in the orphanage, only because I kept coming back every time he brings me to His house. I liked it there, but I liked the playground in the orphanage better. As if the dangers and the threats and the deaths kept attracting me to it. I knew better, but I was numb so I chose to go anyway. That Father kept coming back. There were a million times when I went to His house empty-handed. It was always open, to make me feel He was welcoming me back. Any time, any day. And I kept insulting Him by escaping even when there was nothing to escape from, as if to say He wasn't enough for me. As a provider, as a protector, and as a Father.

Looking back, I've finally realized that His forgiveness was infinite. But the more I kept on breaking the deals, and giving myself away to the darkness, it keeps getting harder to believe that I would still be forgiven. He was too good to be true for me. And it makes me stuck on the ground where I was, and it's eating me up like a quicksand. Because I can't move on, I can't even begin to forgive myself. I don't know how He does it, but He seems to turn up whenever I got into trouble. Just like my knight and shining armor. He always reaches and holds out His hand. It's just that I can't take it, I'm covered with darkness and shame, and I couldn't see His face. I wanted to touch Him because He was the light beyond that darkness. But I can't this time.

Would He still accept me when I've done nothing but the same mistake over and over and over again? I know He would. Would He still forgive me for the nth time? I know He would. Would He give up on me? I know He wouldn't. But the longer it takes, the harder it is to believe.

He's that Father. My Father. And even when I can't, I know He'll find a way to get to me. To heal this broken heart I've been sleeping with for the longest time. I know He wouldn't let me go. I may not be able to forgive myself now, but I know I'm already forgiven. And as the glow stick fades and I fall asleep again, maybe then I would have a pleasant dream. Or maybe even better, that when I wake up my heart would just be a heart. Pure and not broken.